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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1511
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Location
    Western face of Mt.St.Helens
    Posts
    3,060

    Default

    More like Husband: Ducks a right uppercut and left hook

  2. #1512

    Default

    GREAT TRUTHS

    GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

    1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
    2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
    3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
    4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
    5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
    6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
    7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
    8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
    9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
    10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

    GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

    1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
    2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
    3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
    4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
    5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
    6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


    GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

    1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
    2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
    3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
    there.
    4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
    5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
    6) Time may be a great healer, ! but it's a lousy beautician.
    7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone
    Intel Core 2 Duo E6850 CPU 2 x Kingston Hyper 2 GB Kit memory 1066MHz MSI P35 Platinum Combo Mobo Razer Barracuda AC-1 Digital Audio Card XFX PCIe 8800GTX xXx Video card Thermaltake 1000W Toughpower PSU Samsung 320GB IDE HD for OS WD 250GB SataII HD 2 x WD 500GB SATAII HD Compro T750 HDTV Dual Tuner PCI Card Thermaltake Bigwater 745 water cooling Samsung 226BW 22" monitor Samsung Syncmaster 913 19" monitor Silverstone , Thermaltake Armour+ Case

  3. #1513
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Iceland
    Posts
    46

    Default

    Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and
    disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption
    problem all over the world.

    After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order
    to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs
    themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed.

    It was therefore decided that a commission made-up of some of the
    members return to earth to get the different types of drugs. The secret
    operation is effected and two days later the commissioned disciples
    begin to return to heaven.

    Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple:

    "Who is it?"

    "It's Paul"

    Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Paul?"

    "Hashish from Morocco"

    "Very well son, come in."



    "Who is it?"

    "It's Mark"

    Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?"

    "Marijuana from Colombia"

    "Very well son, come in."
    "Who is it?"

    "It's Matthew"

    Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew ?"

    "Cocaine from Bolivia"

    "Very well son, come in."



    "Who is it?"

    "It's John"

    Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John ?"

    "Crack from New York"

    "Very well son, come in."



    "Who is it?"

    "It's Luke"

    Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Luke ?"

    "Speed from Amsterdam"

    "Very well son, come in."



    "Who is it?"

    "It's Judas"

    Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas ?"

    "FBI MOTHER F***ERS! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!"


    :devil win

  4. #1514

    Default

    Walking Economy


    This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend,
    "I'm a walking economy."

    The friend replies "How so?"

    "My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of
    inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a
    deep depression!"
    Intel Core 2 Duo E6850 CPU 2 x Kingston Hyper 2 GB Kit memory 1066MHz MSI P35 Platinum Combo Mobo Razer Barracuda AC-1 Digital Audio Card XFX PCIe 8800GTX xXx Video card Thermaltake 1000W Toughpower PSU Samsung 320GB IDE HD for OS WD 250GB SataII HD 2 x WD 500GB SATAII HD Compro T750 HDTV Dual Tuner PCI Card Thermaltake Bigwater 745 water cooling Samsung 226BW 22" monitor Samsung Syncmaster 913 19" monitor Silverstone , Thermaltake Armour+ Case

  5. #1515
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

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    Louisiana Law
    =============

    A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and
    dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of
    a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove
    up onhis tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator
    responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going
    into retrieve it."

    The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming
    over here."

    The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in
    the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
    everything you own."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do
    things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We
    settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."

    The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer
    replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me
    three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

    The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
    he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
    custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked
    up to the city feller.

    His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's
    groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited.

    The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face.

    The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a
    kidney nearly caused him to give up.

    The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and
    managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my
    turn."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
    New rig
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  6. #1516
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Posts
    250

    Default

    what's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
    A: On slapping a mosquito, it will stop sucking.


    Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.


    Q: What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
    A: During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken.
    • Q: What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
    A: During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken.

  7. #1517
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Location
    Western face of Mt.St.Helens
    Posts
    3,060

    Default

    And here was me thinking erotic sex required a partner from a unfamilliar foriegn land, while kinky merely calls for fetish & a pair jumper cables/chainsaw.:rofl: Dho'......silly meeeeee:shrug:
    Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you recall.

  8. #1518
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Posts
    508

    Default

    dryad - you're a sick puppy :laugh:

  9. #1519
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    New England Highlands, Australia
    Posts
    21,907

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    George Bush has a heart attack and dies.

    He goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

    "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do". "I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place". "I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

    The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed, over and over and over.

    Such was his fate in hell.

    "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

    The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

    The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

    George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said,"Yeah, I can handle this."

    The devil smiled and said ............................................





    "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

  10. #1520
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    New England Highlands, Australia
    Posts
    21,907

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    Dear Ma and Pa,

    I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

    Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

    Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

    We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

    The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

    This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

    Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

    Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

    Your loving daughter,

    Mary Lou.

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