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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1521

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    Where Are U From?


    A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie
    theater. As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said,
    "That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you learn any
    manners? Where did you come from?"

    The man looked up helplessly and said, "The balcony!"
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  2. #1522
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    A Man With No Arms
    ==================


    A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer.
    The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.

    "Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass
    up to my mouth?"

    "Sure," said the bartender, and he did.

    "Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to

    get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."

    "Certainly." And it was done.

    "If," said the armless man, "you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket,
    you'll find the money for the beer."

    The bartender got it.

    "You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is
    the men's room?"

    "Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there's
    one in a filling station on the corner."


    Unique Breakfast
    ================


    A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read
    "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down.

    The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he
    wanted.

    "What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively.

    "Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.

    "Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken!
    Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never
    even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's
    mouth!" he fumed.

    Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?"

    The man replied. "I'll have two eggs."
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  3. #1523
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    Hot air ballon ride

    A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

    I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

    The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

    "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

    "I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

    "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

    The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

    "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

    "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
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  4. #1524
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    A doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an
    unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the doctor
    asked.

    The aged gentleman replied: "doctor, you must help me. Every time
    I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I
    can hardly catch my breath.... doctor, I'm scared!"

    The doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said: "Mr. Smith,
    these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of
    your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these
    symptoms?"

    The old gent's response was: "Well... three times last night, and
    twice again this morning!"
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  5. #1525
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    A man and woman meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go back to the woman's place.
    A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
    Watching him, the woman says, "You must be a dentist."
    Surprised, the guy responds, "Yes... how did you figure that out?"
    "Easy," she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
    One thing leads to another and they make love. Once they're done, the woman says, "You must be a really good dentist."
    The guy, now with a boosted ego, says, "Well yes, I am a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
    "Didn't feel a thing!"
    Eye See You..........

  6. #1526
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    Coffee And Viagra
    =================


    A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her
    husband's sex drive.

    "Have you considered trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

    "Not a chance," says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin
    for a headache."

    "No problem -- there's away around that," replies the doctor. "Drop
    it into his coffee -- he won't even taste it. Try it and come back
    in a week to let me know how you got on."

    A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and the doctor inquires
    as to how things went.

    "Oh doctor, it was horrible, horrible, horrible!"

    "What happened?" asks the doctor, aghast.

    "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The
    effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the
    cutlery off the table, ripped my clothes off and then proceeded
    to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was horrible!"

    "What was horrible?" asked the doctor. "Was the sex not fulfilling?"

    "Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years. But
    I don't think I'll ever be able to show my face at Starbucks
    again!"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Home Remedies
    =============


    If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
    Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
    and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly
    removed.

    Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables
    by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

    High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and
    bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

    A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent
    you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit
    the snooze button.

    If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives,
    then you will be afraid to cough.

    Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then
    you will forget about the toothache.
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  7. #1527

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    Workplace Fun

    Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

    Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear
    them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your
    boss is of a different gender than you.

    Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these
    names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to
    have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha."

    Send email to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're
    doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

    Highlight your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since
    you did this.

    While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call
    everyone Marge.

    Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee
    or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

    Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're
    waiting for your document.

    Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they
    want fries with that.

    Send email back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an
    intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to
    settle the disagreement.

    Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized
    chair-dancing.

    Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."

    Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

    Send email messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the
    lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found
    none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "oh you've got to be faster
    than that.

    Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has
    withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
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  8. #1528
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    Newborn Baby
    ============


    Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were
    sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the
    other and says, "Slim, I'm 73 years old now and I'm
    just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
    age. How do you feel?"

    Slim says, "Hell, I feel just like a newborn baby."
    "Really? Like a baby?"

    "Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just sh*t my
    pants."
    --------------------------------------------------------------------

    British Letter of Complaint
    ====================


    What follows is an example of British humour in
    a complaint letter sent sent to a British ISP. The
    piece suggests two things:

    1) Americans and Canadians are not the only ones
    who get poor service from their ISP, cable or alarm
    companies. (NTL is a cable operator in Britain).

    2) The Brits probably write the world's best
    letters of complaint.

    Dear Cretins,

    I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I
    signed up for your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable
    modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring. During this
    three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of
    service which I had not previously considered possible,
    as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic
    proportions. Please allow me to provide specific
    details, so that you can either pursue your
    professional prerogative and seek to rectify these
    difficulties -- or more likely (I suspect) so that you
    can have some entertaining reading material as you
    while away the working day smoking, and drinking
    vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

    My initial installation was cancelled without warning,
    resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on
    my arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he
    did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening
    to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
    annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at
    your helpful website. HOW? I alleviated the boredom by
    playing with my testicles for a few minutes -- an
    activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and
    highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took
    place some two weeks later, although the technician
    did forget to bring a number of vital tools -- such
    as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my
    cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone
    calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after
    I had requested, and begun to pay for it. I estimate
    your internet server's downtime is roughly 35% -- the
    hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday through
    Friday, and most of the weekend.

    I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I
    have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line,
    and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of
    disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also
    highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed
    that a telephone line is available (and someone will
    call me back); that I will be transferred to someone
    who knows whether or not a telephone line is available
    (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to
    someone (and then been redirected to an answering
    machine informing me that your office is closed); that
    I will be transferred to someone and then been
    redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman, and
    several other variations on this theme.

    Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you
    have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers
    to ignore, and also another one of those crucially
    important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I
    don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to
    voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at
    your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I
    continue.

    I truly thought British Telecom was ****, and they
    had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer
    relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be
    more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to
    delivering service to their customers. That's why I
    chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else
    is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I
    discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and
    disappointment what a useless shower of *******s you
    truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended
    rectum incompetents of the highest order.

    BT -- wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant
    beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly
    limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now
    given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive
    any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease
    any potential future attempts to extort payment from me
    for the services which you have so pointedly and
    catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity
    will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief
    and will quickly be replaced by derision, and even
    perhaps bemused rage.

    I enclose two small deposits, selected with great
    care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my
    utter and complete contempt for both you and your
    pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
    become desiccated during transit -- they were
    satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would
    feel considerable disappointment if you did not
    experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.
    Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings
    towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

    Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable
    short lives, you irritatingly incompetent and
    infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw*ts.
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  9. #1529
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    Tackle
    ======


    A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just
    come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week! It's the opportunity of a
    life time! We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment,
    and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them
    up."He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off. A week
    later he returns. His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?" He says:
    " Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife
    smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"

    Moral: Check your tackle!
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Talking Parrot
    ==============


    Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since
    she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll
    leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on
    the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry
    about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do
    NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO
    NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" When the repairman arrived at Wanda's
    apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest
    looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the
    dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his
    work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his
    incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman
    couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid
    ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
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  10. #1530
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    WS, that is no doubt extremely funny Shyte, could ya get spike
    to check the tackle while he's waiting for a reply from NTL customer service, since he seems to be familiar with the Bird :confused: :rofl:

    Thank gawd for the Brit's and the paitence they boldly exchange with each other and nought the rest of the bloody world :rofl:May no Birtts take umbridge at this wee bit 'o spittle, in spite of my Scotts/Irish heritage(were it nought for the Guiness).....what ya expect for a Yank Ehh??

    :confused:
    Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you recall.

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