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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1531

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    Tips for Husbands


    DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
    SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
    SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

    DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
    SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
    SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

    DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
    SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
    SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

    DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
    SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
    SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

    DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
    SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
    SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
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  2. #1532
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    Saddam Hussein's family
    =======================


    Now that Uday & Ousay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known
    family members are coming to the attention of the American authorities.

    Among the *brothers*:

    Sooflay......................the restauranteur
    Guday........................the half-Australianbrother
    Huray....................... the sports fanatic
    Bejay........................the gay brother
    Kuntay & Kintay..............the twins from the African mother
    Ojay.........................the stalker/murderer
    Biliray......................the country music star
    Ecksray......................the radiologist
    Puray........................the blender factory owner
    Tupay........................the one with bad hair
    Chevrolay....................the car dealer
    Ofay.........................the white guy
    Belay........................the ship captain
    Otay.........................Mr. Robinson's neighbor
    Delay........................the Congressman
    Johnnieray...................the crooner
    Friscobay....................the California guy
    Okay.........................the guy who greenlights projects
    Noway........................the pessimist
    Ebay.........................the auctioneer
    Rumbay.......................the dancer with the strong aftershave
    Decay........................the dentist
    Tooday.......................the host of NBC's morning show
    Megay........................the closeted guy
    Yoogay.......................his companion
    Bengay.......................the pharmaceutical salesman
    Itsmay.......................organizer of the parade in Moscow

    Among the *sisters*:

    Bufay........................the vampire slayer
    Dooshay......................the clean sister
    Sapheway.....................the grocery store owner
    Oivay........................the one who lives in Tel aviv
    Gudlay.......................the prostitute
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  3. #1533
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    Bush: If you had a choice of how you'd like to be executed, what would you chose?
    Saddam: Death by my WMD
    Bush: But your WMD don't exist!?!?!?
    Saddam: Precisely :p
    Latest Microsoft Security Updates.
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    ======================
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    Linux user since: April 24, 2003 312478
    yabaa dabaa doo...
    Customized for 1024x768

  4. #1534

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    Most Memorable Quotes of 2003

    "Why can't you share your bed? The most loving thing to do is to share your bed with someone."
    -- Michael Jackson in Martin Bashir's documentary, on having young boys sleep over in his bedroom.

    "You don't get over something like what she thought they had, even if the guy is possibly a murderer."
    -- A friend of Amber Frey explaining why Frey kept talking to her paramour, Scott Peterson, even after his pregnant wife, Laci, went missing.

    "I fooled some of the most brilliant people in journalism."
    -- Former New York Times reporter Jayson Blair.

    "The enemy that we're fighting is different from the one we'd war-gamed."
    -- U.S. Army Lt. Gen. William S. Wallace in March.

    "God will roast their stomachs in hell at the hands of Iraqis."
    -- Former Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf as American forces neared Baghdad.

    "I made it fun. I said it was going to be gross and I was going to have to make myself throw up, but it was going to be OK."
    -- Courtney Love on how she explained her October drug overdose to her 11-year-old daughter, Francis.

    "I want to kill him. I want his intestines on a stick. . . . I want to kill his dog."
    -- Mel Gibson's response to New York Times writer Frank Rich's criticism of "The Passion," Gibson's movie about the life of Jesus.

    "Liars get cancer."
    -- Rosie O'Donnell to a Gruner & Jahr executive (who was a cancer survivor), as quoted in testimony in her 2003 trial.

    "Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna. But it says chicken. By the sea."
    -- Performer J Jessica Simpson.

    "[We] need to set definite boundaries on our appetites."
    -- From "The Book of Virtues" by former education secretary William Bennett, who admitted in 2003 that he had gambled extensively for years.

    "I feel sad, which is not a typical emotion for me."
    -- Businesswoman Martha Stewart.

    "But it goes to show why this kid has failed the driver's test four times."
    -- Stasys Meliunas, chief of police in the town of Rokiskis, Lithuania, where a teen hit-and-run driver discovered the pedestrian he had knocked down was still under the car when he got home.

    "It's the most difficult [decision] I've made in my entire life, except the one I made in 1978 when I decided to get a bikini wax."
    -- Arnold Schwarzenegger on his decision to run for governor.

    "I don't understand how they can call me anti-Latino, when I've made four movies in Mexico." -- Arnold on the campaign trail in 2003.

    "You gotta shake it like a Polaroid picture."
    -- Wesley Clark, showing off his mad skillz by quoting OutKast lyrics to Bowdoin College students.

    "There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know."
    -- Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld during a Pentagon press conference.
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  5. #1535
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    "What the . . . "
    For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from
    someone, and our computers were facing away from each other.

    A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room.

    I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the
    keyboards.

    She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed
    look on her face.

    She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she
    typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything.

    By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.
    I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
    They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher
    said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I
    didn't do anything to it, I swear!"

    It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The
    conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing
    five minutes. Me: "Don't touch me!" Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't
    mean to hit your keys that hard." Me: "Who do you think you are
    anyway?!" Etc.

    Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my
    chair laughing. After they had realised what I had done, they both
    turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
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  6. #1536
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Posts
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    Default

    A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and it's always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and you didn't hear anything."
    The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
    The lady returns the following week.
    "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly."
    "Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."


    :flames:
    Eye See You..........

  7. #1537
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    Quebec, Canada
    Posts
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    A computer programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
    The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
    The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
    The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket."
    Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
    The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
    SPAM Special Ops

  8. #1538
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    Useful Military Warnings

    "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket
    Launcher

    "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S.
    Army

    "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are
    guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

    "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

    "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
    least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's
    left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

    "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you
    just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

    "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry
    Journal

    "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

    "Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

    "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col.
    David Hackworth

    "If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an
    ambush." - Infantry Journal

    "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

    "Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous

    "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown
    Army Recruit

    "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your
    Buddies

    (And lastly)

    "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." -
    U.S. Ammo Troop
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  9. #1539
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    Lucky is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas.
    Eventually, he gambles away all his money and has to borrow a
    quarter from another gambler just to use the men's room. He finds
    a stall that happens to be open and pockets the quarter.

    Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the quarter
    in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and
    goes to the blackjack table and turns his modest winnings into a
    million dollars.

    Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Lucky goes on the lecture
    circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his
    audiences that he will always be eternally grateful to his
    benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his fortune
    with him.

    After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and
    says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the quarter."

    "Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm looking for.
    I mean the guy who left the door open!"
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  10. #1540
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    Gynecologist Appointment

    One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

    The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
    Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you recall.

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