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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1541
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    So if OJ were to do a TV spotů would it be for Henckel?

    The quicker cut-her upper?
    If the stuff in glow sticks is truly toxic then why do they make so many flavors?

  2. #1542
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    Curtains
    ========


    Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains...

    Doctor: Pull yourself together.
    "boom boom" :rolleyes2
    ------------------------------------------------------------
    Who said that?
    ==============


    One day a guy went to a bar. There wasn't too many people there at
    that time. He ordered a drink. He heard someone saying: 'nice pants.'
    He looked around and no one was near him. Later on he ordered another
    drink, and he heared someone again saying: 'nice shirt.' Again he
    looked around and no one was near. It was time for the bar to close
    and it was just him and the bartender. The man heard: 'nice hat.'
    Seeing that it was jsut him and the bartender, he figured that it was
    he who was saying all of these things. He asked, 'are you the one
    saying all of these nice things to me?' The bartender turned around
    and said, 'No, but you must be talking about the peanuts...they're
    complimentary.'
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  3. #1543
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    that was a lolli-stick joke.
    Hers another crap one.

    Why did the chicken not cross the road:
    To avoid the chicken shagger.....
    • Q: What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
    A: During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken.

  4. #1544
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    Teach your Children:

    A first grade teacher in the Midwest is explaining to her class that she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new president has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Republicans and support G.W. Bush. Everyone raises their hands except one little girl.

    "Mary", says the teacher with surprise, "why didn't you raise your hand?"

    "Because I'm not a Republican", says Mary.

    "Well, what are you?" asks the teacher.

    "I'm a Democrat and proud of it", replies the girl.

    "And why is that Mary?", the teacher asks.

    "My ma & pa are Democrats, so I am too." she responds.

    "Well", says the teacher in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Democrat. You don't always have to be like your parents. What if your parents were both criminals, what would you be then?"

    "Then", Mary smiled, "then we'd be Republicans!"
    Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you recall.

  5. #1545
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    The Test
    ========


    Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his
    wife's test results. The insurance clerk says to him,
    "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up
    and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from
    your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs.
    Smith were sent at the same time and we are now
    uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, the
    situation is either bad or terrible!"

    "What do you mean?"

    "Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's
    and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS.
    We can't tell which is your wife."

    "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"

    "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO and they won't
    pay for these expensive tests more than once in a
    year, so we can't repeat the test until next year."

    "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

    "The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off on the
    outskirts of town ........ If she remembers the way
    home, don't sleep with her."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Burglary
    ========


    A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary
    tried this creative defense:

    "My client merely inserted his arm into the window
    and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not
    himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the
    whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

    "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic,
    I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's
    imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he
    chooses."

    The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance
    he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench,
    and walked out.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Given It Up
    ==========


    A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty
    and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

    The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave
    you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

    "No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

    "Will you use it to gamble?"

    "I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

    "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

    "Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

    The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead,
    I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

    The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing
    that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

    The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like
    who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."
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  6. #1546
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    Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
    >
    > were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
    > the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna
    > promptly jumped in to save him.
    >
    > She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director
    > became aware of Edna's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be
    > discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally
    > stable.
    >
    > When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and
    > bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able
    > to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
    > another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound
    > mindedness.
    > The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right after
    > you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but
    >
    > he's dead."
    >
    > Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.... How
    > soon can I go Home?"
    • Q: What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
    A: During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken.

  7. #1547
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    This Cat
    ========


    Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
    The average person can't.

    This is this cat
    This is is cat
    This is how cat
    This is to cat
    This is keep cat
    This is a cat
    This is smartass cat
    This is busy cat
    This is for cat
    This is forty cats
    This is seconds cats.

    .

    .

    .

    .

    Scroll down

    .

    .

    .

    .

    Now go back and read the Third word in each line from the top down and I
    betcha you can't resist passing it on.
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  8. #1548

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    You Know You Are Living In The 21st Century When...

    1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

    2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

    3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

    4. You e-mail your friend who works at the desk next to you.

    5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses

    6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

    7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" or "9" to get an outside line.

    8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

    10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clocknews.

    11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

    12. Contractors out number permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

    AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE ...

    13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

    14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your friends.

    15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

    16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9

    17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9

    18. AND NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING AT YOUR OWN STUPIDITY!...
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  9. #1549
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    While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed
    several students on their hands and knees assessing the
    courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.

    "What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.

    "Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen
    ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving
    this courtyard."

    When we were out of earshot of the freshmen, my friend
    asked our guide: "So what's the answer?"

    The guide replied: "One."
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  10. #1550
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    Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale,
    but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel
    food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had
    dropped flat. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another
    cake." So, she looked around the house for something to build up
    the center of the cake.

    Alice found it in the bathroom, a roll of toilet paper. She
    plunked it in and covered it with icing. The finished product
    looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Alice then gave
    her daughter some money and instructions to be at the sale the
    minute it opened and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the
    daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been
    sold. Alice was beside herself.

    A couple of days later, Alice was invited to a friend's home where
    two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the
    game a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in
    question was presented for dessert. Alice saw the cake, she
    started to get off her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her
    hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of
    the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"

    Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess say, "Thank
    you, I baked it myself."
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