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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1551
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    An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of ******ss please."
    So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

    The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

    The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three ******ss Stouts too, and we're drinking together."

    The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
    Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
    The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

    The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

  2. #1552
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    Corporate Training (Part one)
    Corporate Lesson 1

    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?". "It was Bob the next-door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

    Moral of the story:

    If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your shareholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

    Corporate Lesson 2

    A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?". The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?". Once again the priest apologized: "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129.

    It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

    Moral of the story:

    Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.

    Corporate Lesson 3

    A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

    Moral of the story:

    Always let your boss have the first say.

  3. #1553
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    Sometime around two in the morning, our phone rang, waking us out
    of a sound sleep. "Wrong number," my husband growled and slammed
    down the receiver.

    A few minutes later, it rang again. I heard my husband say, "One
    with pepperoni and extra cheese and one with sausage. Pickup in 20
    minutes."

    "What was that?" I asked.

    "I took his order. Now we can sleep."
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  4. #1554
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    Happy Paddy's Day to ya

    A construction boss in Belfast was interviewing men when along came a guy named Paddy from Dublin. 'I'm not hiring no dumb fock paddy from Dublin,' the foreman thought, so he made up a test hoping that Paddy wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into a dispute.

    Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Wittout nombers?" Paddy says. "Agh! feck aff dat's easy," and he proceeds to draw 3 trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. The Dub replies, "Ain't ye got no brains? Tree'nTree'nTree makes 9. Are ye feckin' tick or wa?" "Fair enough," says the Boss.

    "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time use the number 99." Paddy stares into space for a minute, then picks up the picture he has drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dare ye arre, me mucker." The Boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Paddy says "Each a de trees is dirty now! So it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree'n dirty tree-daa makes 99". The Boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the Dubliner so he says,

    "All right, last question. Same rules but this time use 100." Paddy stares into space again, then picks up the picture once more, makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dare ye arre, buddy, a hunnert." The Boss looks at the picture for a moment and says, "You must be nuts if you think that represents 100!"

    Dublin Paddy leans forward and points to the mark at the base of the trees. "See der? Well a little feckin' doggie comes along and takes a shoite on each a dem trees, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' -a turd, dirty tree an' a turd-which makes a hunnert. Feckin' roit it does !!! When do I feckin' start?"

  5. #1555
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    Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

    "What happened to you?" asks, the bartender.

    "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

    "That little git, O'Conner," says the bartender, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

    "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

    "Well," says the bartender, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

    "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

  6. #1556
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    Are you ready for weans?
    Are you considering having children?

    To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...

    MESS TEST:

    Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

    TOY TEST:

    Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

    GROCERY STORE TEST:

    Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

    DRESSING TEST:

    Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

    FEEDING TEST:

    Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

    NIGHT TEST:

    Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

    PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)

    Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

    PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):

    Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

    FINAL ASSIGNMENT:

    Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

  7. #1557
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    Who's Your daddy!!

    The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:
    These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11, It takes the prize.

    1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

    2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

    3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

    4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

    5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

    6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

    7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

    8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

    9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

    10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

    11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

  8. #1558
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    Manual delete of unable to post error :?:

  9. #1559
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    A systems engineer, mechanical engineer, and a software
    engineer are in a car careening down a mountainous road
    without brakes. The driver is furiously pumping the pedal
    while he steers the speeding car around the treacherous turns
    - stones flying and passengers gasping. Finally, he finds an
    incline and the car coasts to a stop. All three get out and,
    thanking their lucky stars, begin to assess the situation.

    "Oh," says the mechanical engineer, "the brake lines are
    leaking - lets patch the hole, bleed the brakes and be on our
    way!"

    The systems engineer said "maybe we should consult with the
    manufacturer and the dealer to ensure that is really the
    problem."

    The software engineer said "why don't we get back in and see
    if it happens again?"
    The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

  10. #1560
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    Men & Women
    ===========

    When she is 18 - She is a football, 22 men going after her.

    When she is 28 - She is a hockey ball, 8 men going after her.

    When she is 38 - She is a golf ball, 1 man hitting on her.

    When she is 48 - She is a pingpong ball, 2 men pushing to each other.

    - - - - - - -

    At 20 - A man is like a coconut, so much to offer, so little to give.

    At 30 - He is like a durian, dangerous but delicious.

    At 40 - He is like a watermelon, big, round and juicy.

    At 50 - He is like a mandarin orange, the season comes once in a year.

    At 60 - He is just like a raisin, dried out, wrinkles and cheap.
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