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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #151
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    My screen went blank :(
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  2. #152
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    Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."

    "Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"

    "No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.

    "I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.

    "Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

    After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"

  3. #153
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    Three preachers and their wives showed up at the pearly gates.

    St Peter greeted the first and informed him he would not be allowed to come in. "Why not?" asked the preacher. "Well," St Peter said, "It says here in the book that you had a lust for money--matter of fact your lust was so great you refused to get married until you met a woman named Penny."

    St Peter turned to the second preacher and told him that he would not be allowed to enter either, because of his lust for liquor. "Says here that your lust was so great you refused to get married until you met a woman named Brandy."

    At that point the third preacher turned to his wife and said, "Come on, Fanny, we might as well leave."

  4. #154
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    Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a
    conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets
    and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.

    "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked
    an accountant.

    "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

    They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective
    seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed
    the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor
    came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and
    said, "Ticket, please".

    The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket
    in hand.

    The conductor took it and moved on.

    The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So,
    after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers
    on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and
    all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket
    for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy
    a ticket at all.

    "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed
    accountant.

    "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

    When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a
    restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby.
    The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left
    his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants
    were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".
    New rig
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  5. #155
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    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
    After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
    replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I
    put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
    nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's
    advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a
    drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office
    after mass he found the following note on his door:

    Sip the vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There
    are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
    Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. We do not refer
    to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
    are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook. David slew Goliath,
    he did not kick the **** out of him. When David was hit by a rock
    and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We
    do not refer to the cross as the big T! When Jesus broke the bread
    at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my
    body", he did not say ,"Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not referred
    to as the "Mary with the cherry." The reccomended grace before a
    mealis not:"Rub-Adub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God." Next Sunday
    there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter's, not a peter
    pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
    New rig
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  6. #156
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    A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".

    Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

    He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immedately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".

    When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your ***** is under your pillow!"

  7. #157
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    A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

    His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

    "But why?" asks the man.

    "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

  8. #158
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    ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES


    Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

    You have reached 555-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.

    "Hi. Now you say something."

    We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

    This answering machine has a short attention span, and it WILL hang up on you if leave a boring message.

    If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

    You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on and on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...

  9. #159
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    Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
    John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

    Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
    John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

    The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

    Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
    Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

    Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
    Both Presidents were shot in the head.

    Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
    Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

    Both were assassinated by Southerners.
    Both were succeeded by Southerners.

    Both successors were named Johnson.

    Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
    Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

    John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
    Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

    Both assassins were known by their three names.
    Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

    Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Kennedy.'
    Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.'

    Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
    Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
    Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

    And here's the kicker...

    A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
    A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

  10. #160
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    This one is dedicated to the gals of TT;

    THREE GOOD POINTS
    There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
    1. He called everyone "brother"
    2. He liked Gospel.
    3. He couldn't get a fair trial

    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
    1. He went into His Father's business.
    2. He lived at home until he was 33.
    3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
    1. He talked with his hands.
    2. He had wine with every meal.
    3. He used olive oil.

    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
    1. He never cut his hair.
    2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
    3. He started a new religion.

    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
    1. He never got married.
    2. He was always telling stories.
    3. He loved green pastures.

    But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
    1. He had to feed a crowd in a moment's notice when there was no food.
    2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
    3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do.

    AMEN
    The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

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