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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #161
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    TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR COMPANY IS DOWNSIZING
    10. Your desk has a big sign on it that says: For Rent.

    09. Whenever you try to dial an outside line, the receptionist asks you to "Please deposit 35"

    08. Your boss starts off a conversation with, "Man, I just love daytime television, don't you?"

    07. Water cooler conversations revolve around the fact that there is never any water left.

    06. All paychecks have replaced the name of the company with the letters: I.O.U.

    05. When you're not looking, bosses steal your office supplies.

    04. You're daily dose of "Good morning" is replaced with "Good Luck."

    03. Three times a day a complete stranger asks you: What is it you do, again?

    02. Instead of distributing business cards, the company encourages you to write your number on a matchbook.

    01. Management plasters big sign outside office building that reads: Going out of business: Everyone must go!
    The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

  2. #162
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    Al's barn burned down, and, Mary, his wife, called
    the insurance company.
    Mary: "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand
    and I want my money."
    Agent: "Now just a minute, Mary, it doesn't work
    quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the
    old barn and provide you with a new one of
    comparable worth."
    Mary, after a pause: "I'd like to cancel the policy
    on my husband."
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  3. #163
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    There was this truck driver who had to deliver five
    hundred penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving
    his truck through the desert, the truck breaks down.
    After waiting by the side of the road for about three
    hours he waves another truck down and offers the driver
    $5,000 to take the penguins to the state zoo for him.

    The next day the first truck driver arrives in town and
    sees the second truck driver crossing the road with 500
    penguins walking single file behind him.

    The first truck driver jumps out of his truck and says,
    "What's going on? I gave you $5,000 to take these
    penguins to the zoo!"

    The second truck driver replies, "I did take them to the
    zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we're going
    to see a movie."
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  4. #164
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wiggo's-sister
    My screen went blank :(
    I hate when that happens:shoot2:
    The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

  5. #165
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    It must be the devil coming out in me :D
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  6. #166
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    Subject: Confucious Say...

    Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
    Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
    Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
    Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
    Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly.
    Man with holes in pocket, feels ****y all day.
    Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
    Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.
    Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
    He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
    Baseball all wrong--man with four balls can't walk.
    Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
    Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
    Man with ***** in peanut butter is ****ing nuts.
    Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
    Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have ****ty time.
    Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
    Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand

  7. #167
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    Confucious say...

    Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.

    Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.

    Woman who fly plane upside down have crackup.

    Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.

    A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.

    Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!

    Man who run behind car get exhausted.

    Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

    Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless *******.

    Man with athletic finger make broad jump.

    He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.

    Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.

    Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.

    He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.

    Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.

    Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.

    He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.

    Elevator smell different to midget.

  8. #168
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    A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf, and about to
    tee off on the third hole lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit
    her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly
    at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball
    smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.

    They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to
    see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found
    no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon
    further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch
    with a turban on his head.

    The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"

    "No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the
    vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so
    grateful!" he answered.

    The wife asked "Are you a genie?"

    "Oh, why yes i am. In fact, I am so grateful i will grant you two
    wishes, and the third i will keep for myself." the man replied.

    The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch
    handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The
    other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

    The genie nodded his head and said "Done!"

    The genie now said, "For my wish, i would like to have my way with
    your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after
    all, i made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."

    The husband and wife agreed.

    After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife
    "How long have you been married?"

    To which she responded "Three years."

    The genie then asked "How old is your husband?"

    To which she replied "31 years old"

    The genie then asked "And how long has he believed in this genie stuff?"
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  9. #169
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    A man and his blonde wife live in Chicago. One winter morning while
    listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have
    3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the
    even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."Jay's
    wife goes out and moves her car.A week later while they are eating
    breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5
    inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of
    the
    street, so the snowplow can get through."Jay's wife goes out and moves her
    car again.The next week they are having breakfast again,
    when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow
    today. You must park...", then the electric power goes out. Jay's wife
    says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."Jay says, "Why don't you just leave
    it in the garage this time?
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  10. #170
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    Once upon a time, there was a happy little fly
    buzzing around a barn when she happened upon a large
    pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours
    since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs,
    she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began
    to pig out.

    She ate and ate...and then...she ate some more!!!
    Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her
    face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times,
    then attempted to fly away. But alas...she had eaten
    far too much and could not get off the ground.

    Wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation,
    she looked around and spotted a pitchfork leaning
    upright against the barn wall. She'd found a
    solution!! She realized if she could just climb up
    that handle and jump off to become airborne she'd be
    able to fly again.

    So, she painstakingly climbed to the top of the
    handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her
    tiny wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She
    dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor.

    Dead Fly.

    What is the moral of this sad story?

    "Never fly off the handle when you know you're
    full of sh*t."
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