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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #171
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    Todd was arrested AGAIN and the detective was leafing through his crime history folder.

    "Hmmm, quite a record." he said. "Shoplifting, hit-and-run,
    disorderly conduct, armed robbery, sexual assault, sexual assault,
    forgery, sexual assault, manslaughter..."

    "Yeah, I know." said Todd. "It took me quite a while to figure out what I was good at."

  2. #172
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    Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a
    strong preaching on the devil.

    One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan
    stuff?"

    The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out.
    It's probably just your dad."

  3. #173
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    I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot.
    It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no wife to go home to... or they do.

  4. #174
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    I don't want to worry you," Johnny said to his teacher, "but last night my dad said that if I didn't start getting better grades on my next report card, someone's ass was going to get kicked."

  5. #175
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    A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog he
    doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the local Baptist
    pastor and asked, "Pastor, my dog is dead. Could you do a funeral
    for the creature?"

    Pastor Jones replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the
    church, but there's a new denomination down the road - no telling what
    they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

    Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate
    for the service?"

    Pastor Patrick asked, "Why didn't you TELL me the dog was Baptist?"
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  6. #176
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    Consider the case of Frederick II, an 18th-century king of
    Prussia. Frederick fancied himself an enlightened monarch, and
    in some respects he was. On one occasion, he is supposed to have
    interested himself in the conditions of a Berlin prison. He was
    escorted through it so that he might speak to the prisoners.

    One after the other, the prisoners fell to their knees before
    him, bewailing their lot and, predictably, protesting their utter
    innocence of all charges that had been brought against them.

    Only one prisoner remained silent, and finally Frederick's
    curiosity was aroused.

    "You," he called. "You, there!"

    The prisoner looked up. "Yes, your majesty?"

    "Why are you here?"

    "Armed robbery, your majesty."

    "And are you guilty?"

    "Entirely guilty, your majesty. I richly deserve my punishment."

    At this Frederick rapped his cane sharply on the ground and said,
    "Warden, release this guilty wretch at once. I will not have him
    here in jail where by example he will corrupt all the splendid
    innocent people who occupy it."

  7. #177
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    The Outhouse Poem
    =================

    The service station trade was slow
    The owner sat around,
    With sharpened knife and cedar stick
    Piled shavings on the ground.
    No modern facilities had they,
    The log across the rill
    Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
    That sat against the hill.
    "Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
    The owner leaning back,
    Said not a word but whittled on,
    And nodded toward the shack.
    With quickened step she entered there
    But only stayed a minute,
    Until she screamed, just like a snake
    Or spider might be in it.
    With startled look and beet red face

    She bounded through the door,
    And headed quickly for the car
    Just like three gals before.
    She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
    The owner gave a shout,
    As her silk stockings, down at her knees
    Caught on a sassafras sprout.
    She tripped and fell - got up, and then
    In obvious disgust,
    Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
    And faded in the dust.
    Of course we all desired to know
    What made the gals all do
    The things they did, and then we found
    The whittling owner knew.

    A speaking system he'd devised
    To make the thing complete,
    He tied a speaker on the wall
    Beneath the toilet seat.
    He'd wait until the gals got set
    And then the devilish tike,
    Would stop his whittling long enough,
    To speak into the mike.
    And as she sat, a voice below
    Struck terror, fright and fear,
    "Will you please use the other hole,
    We're painting under here!"
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  8. #178
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    Now that was real
    material

  9. #179
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    A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars."

    The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking-dog stuff? There ain't no such animal."

    Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."

    "Hey!" said the neighbor. "He *can* talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"

    "Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."

  10. #180
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    Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes ...

    The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance at a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

    I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is. I didn't notice that the light had changed. It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus, because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

    Then everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

    There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach." I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson, who was in the back seat, what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing -- why even he was enjoying this religious experience!

    A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again. I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

    Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

    Love,
    Grandma
    The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

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