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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #181
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    Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without
    success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof
    plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume
    and learned the mating call of a female moose. The
    plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then
    come out of the costume and shoot it. They set
    themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their
    costume, and began to give the moose love call.
    Before long, their call was answered as a bull came
    crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
    When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said,
    "Okay, letís get out and get him."
    After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy
    in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we
    going to do?"
    The guy in the front said, "Well, I'm going to start
    nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
    The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

  2. #182
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    "It's just a cold," the doctor said. "There is no
    cure, and you'll just have to live with it until it
    goes away."

    "But Doctor," the patient whined, "it's making
    me so miserable."

    The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling.
    Then he said, "Look, go home and take a hot
    bath. Then put a bathing suit on and run
    around the block three or four times."

    "What!" the patient exclaimed. "I'll get pneumonia!"

    "We have a cure for pneumonia," the doctor said.

  3. #183
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    Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."

    "Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."

    "I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now." Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"

  4. #184
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    An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few
    minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points." His wife rolls over
    and says, "What in the world was that?"

    The old man replied, "It's fart football."

    A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie
    score."

    After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown,
    I'm ahead 14 to 7."

    Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie
    score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says,
    "Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14."

    Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so
    he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally
    unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he
    poops the bed.

    The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?"

    The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."
    New rig
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  5. #185
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    Biker Granny
    ============
    A little old lady had always wanted to join a local
    biker club.

    One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big,
    hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms
    answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your
    club."

    The guy was amused, and decides to humor her a bit,
    so he says she needs to meet certain biker
    requirements in order to join.

    The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"
    The little old lady replies "Yep ...my bike's parked
    over there," and points to a flamed black Harley
    chopper in the driveway.

    The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady
    replies, "Yep, I drink like a fish. I'll drink any
    man in your club under the table.

    The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old
    lady replies, "Yep, I smoke like a chimney. At least
    4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a
    couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting
    pool.

    The biker is very impressed and asks,"You sound like
    one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up
    by the fuzz? The little old lady says, "Nope, but I've
    been swung around by my **** a few times.
    New rig
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  6. #186
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    Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

    As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.

    He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"

    The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!

  7. #187
    Beefy Guest

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    **** may just be the most functional word in the English language.

    Consider:

    You can be **** faced,
    **** out of luck,
    or have **** for brains.

    With a little effort, you can get your **** together,
    find a place for your ****
    or decide to **** or get off the pot.

    You can smoke ****,
    buy ****,
    sell ****,
    lose ****,
    find ****,
    forget ****,
    and tell others to eat **** and die.

    Some people know their ****, while others
    can't tell the difference between **** and shineola.

    There are lucky ****s,
    dumb ****s,
    crazy ****s,
    and sweet ****s.

    There is bull ****,
    horse **** and
    chicken ****.

    You can throw ****,
    sling ****,
    catch ****,
    shoot ****,
    or duck when **** hits the fan.

    You can give a **** or
    serve **** on a shingle.
    You can find yourself in deep ****
    or be happier than a pig in ****.

    Some days are colder than ****,
    some days are hotter than ****,
    and some days are just plain ****ty.

    Some music sounds like ****,
    things can look like ****,
    and there are times when you feel like ****.

    You can have too much ****,
    not enough ****,
    the right ****,
    the wrong **** or
    a lot of weird ****.

    You can carry ****,
    have a mountain of ****,
    or find yourself up **** creek without a paddle.

    Sometimes everything you touch turns to ****
    and other times you fall in a bucket of **** and
    come out smelling like a rose.

    When you stop to consider all the facts,
    it's the basic building block of creation.

    And remember, once you know your ****,
    you don't need to know anything else!

  8. #188
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    i have one just like that, but for the word **** and its an audio file, i'll see if i can find it

  9. #189
    Beefy Guest

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    so do I.. it's called **** - It's many uses.... :)

  10. #190
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    Nov 2001
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    World's Thinnest Books

    23. Microsoft's complete guide to virus protection.
    22. Microsoft's complete guide to data security.
    21. Bill Gates' guide to creating unique applications and PC
    operating systems.
    20. Things I Can't Afford - by Bill Gates.
    19. Beauty Secrets - by Janet Reno.
    18. Home Built Airplanes - by John Denver.
    17. How To Get To The Superbowl - by Dan Marino
    16. Things I Love About Bill - by Hillary Clinton.
    15. My Life's Memories - by Ronald Reagan.
    14. Things I Would Not Do For Money - by Dennis Rodman
    13. The Wild Years - by Al Gore
    12. Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean.
    11. America's Most Popular Lawyers.
    10. Detroit - A Travel Guide
    9. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches.
    8. Everything Men Know About Women.
    7. Everything Women Know About Men.
    6. All The Men I've Loved Before - by Ellen DeGeneres
    5. Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette.
    4. Spotted Owl Recipes - by the Sierra Club.
    3. The Amish Phone Directory.
    2. My Plan To Find The Real Killers - by O. J. Simpson
    1. My Book Of Morals - by Bill Clinton.
    The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

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