Jokes.

[Mr. C]

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without
success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof
plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume
and learned the mating call of a female moose. The
plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then
come out of the costume and shoot it. They set
themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their
costume, and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came
crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said,
"Okay, let’s get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy
in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we
going to do?"
The guy in the front said, "Well, I'm going to start
nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

[Kay]

"It's just a cold," the doctor said. "There is no
cure, and you'll just have to live with it until it
goes away."

"But Doctor," the patient whined, "it's making
me so miserable."

The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling.
Then he said, "Look, go home and take a hot
bath. Then put a bathing suit on and run
around the block three or four times."

"What!" the patient exclaimed. "I'll get pneumonia!"

"We have a cure for pneumonia," the doctor said.

[Kay]

Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."

"Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."

"I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now." Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few
minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points." His wife rolls over
and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie
score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown,
I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie
score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says,
"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so
he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally
unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he
poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

[Wiggo's-sister]

Biker Granny
============
A little old lady had always wanted to join a local
biker club.

One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big,
hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms
answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your
club."

The guy was amused, and decides to humor her a bit,
so he says she needs to meet certain biker
requirements in order to join.

The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies "Yep ...my bike's parked
over there," and points to a flamed black Harley
chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady
replies, "Yep, I drink like a fish. I'll drink any
man in your club under the table.

The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old
lady replies, "Yep, I smoke like a chimney. At least
4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a
couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting
pool.

The biker is very impressed and asks,"You sound like
one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up
by the fuzz? The little old lady says, "Nope, but I've
been swung around by my **** a few times.

[Kay]

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!

[Beefy]

**** may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:

You can be **** faced,
**** out of luck,
or have **** for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your **** together,
find a place for your ****
or decide to **** or get off the pot.

You can smoke ****,
buy ****,
sell ****,
lose ****,
find ****,
forget ****,
and tell others to eat **** and die.

Some people know their ****, while others
can't tell the difference between **** and shineola.

There are lucky ****s,
dumb ****s,
crazy ****s,
and sweet ****s.

There is bull ****,
horse **** and
chicken ****.

You can throw ****,
sling ****,
catch ****,
shoot ****,
or duck when **** hits the fan.

You can give a **** or
serve **** on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep ****
or be happier than a pig in ****.

Some days are colder than ****,
some days are hotter than ****,
and some days are just plain ****ty.

Some music sounds like ****,
things can look like ****,
and there are times when you feel like ****.

You can have too much ****,
not enough ****,
the right ****,
the wrong **** or
a lot of weird ****.

You can carry ****,
have a mountain of ****,
or find yourself up **** creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to ****
and other times you fall in a bucket of **** and
come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts,
it's the basic building block of creation.

And remember, once you know your ****,
you don't need to know anything else!

[Andy]

i have one just like that, but for the word **** and its an audio file, i'll see if i can find it

[Beefy]

so do I.. it's called **** - It's many uses.... :)

[Mr. C]

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18. Home Built Airplanes - by John Denver.
17. How To Get To The Superbowl - by Dan Marino
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