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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #11
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    Nov 2001
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    Better Sex
    An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to
    last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was
    concerned that he was disappointing his new lover, so he called his doctor
    for advice.

    The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer
    during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try
    it."

    He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He
    couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was
    too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

    Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his
    truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath
    as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid
    his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of
    his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom
    of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he
    kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

    He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?"

    The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

    The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck
    rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

  2. #12
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    Dear Tech Support:

    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making
    unexpected changes to the accounting software,
    severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and
    jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under
    Boyfriend 5.0.

    No mention of this phenomenon was included in the
    product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls
    many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing
    7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs
    new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3,
    SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere
    4.5.

    Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes
    the system. Under no circumstances will it run
    DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried
    running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all
    purpose utility is of limited effectiveness.

    Can you help please ?!!!!

    Jane



    Dear Jane:

    This is a very common problem women complain about, but
    is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people
    upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea
    that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.

    However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was
    designed by its creator to run as few applications as
    possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and
    return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not
    designed to do this.

    Hidden operating files within your system would cause
    Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is
    gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or
    purge the program files from the system, once
    installed.

    Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I would suggest
    you read the entire section regarding General
    Partnership Faults (GPFs). This is a wonderful feature
    of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent
    company as an integral part of the operating system.
    Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL
    faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To
    activate this great feature enter the command "C:\I
    THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME"

    Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while
    entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the
    applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
    TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse
    can create additional and more serious GPFs, and
    ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\APOLOGIZE
    command before the system will return to normal
    operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to
    default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, Beer 6.0.

    Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0
    to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files
    that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some
    trouble by following this tech tip!

    Just remember, the system will run smoothly and take
    the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine
    feature it can only intermittently run all the
    applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great
    program, but it does have limited memory and cannot
    learn new applications quickly.

    Consider buying additional software to improve
    performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0,
    Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction,
    these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0
    running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband
    1.0 will become familiar and you will find many
    valuable embedded features such as FixesBrokenThings
    2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

    A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any
    circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a
    supported application, and will cause selective shut
    down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run
    only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 or Golfing 2.3 until
    MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

    I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing
    to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish
    you the best of luck in coming years. "We trust you
    will learn to fully enjoy this product!

  3. #13
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    Nov 2001
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    What She Really Means
    The Men's ultimate Guide to what a woman really means when she says something. Pay close attention (there might be a quiz later).

    You want = You want
    We need = I want
    It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
    Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
    We need to talk = I need to complain.
    Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
    I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
    You're...so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
    I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.
    Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.
    This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
    I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
    I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
    Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
    I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
    Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
    How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
    I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
    Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
    You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
    Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
    I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
    I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
    All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OH MY those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

  4. #14
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    Nov 2001
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    The Ventriloquist

    An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks
    into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch
    patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

    Ventriloquist: "Hey, good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"

    New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

    Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

    Dog: "Doin' alright."

    The New Zealander is shocked!

    Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?" pointing at the New Zealander.

    Dog: "Yep"

    Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

    Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food,
    and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

    The New Zealander can't believe his ears!

    Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

    New Zealander: "Horse doesn't talk either."

    Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

    Horse: "No worries."

    The New Zealander's mouth is agape.

    Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the New Zealander?

    Horse: "Yep"

    Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"

    Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
    brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect
    me from the elements."

    The New Zealander is TOTALLY amazed!

    Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

    New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar."

  5. #15
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    Three guys - a Tasmanian, a Queenslander (or "One Nationer") and a Victorian - are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
    "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total", says the
    genie. The Tasmanian says, "I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, his dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."

    With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' the oceans were teaming with fish. The One Nationer was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Queensland, so that we can run our own State how we feel, and no hippie southerner can tell us what to do. I want it so nothing and no-one will get in for all eternity."

    Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Queensland.

    The Victorian asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

    The genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

    The Victorian says, "Fill it up with water."

  6. #16
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    A Cuban, Scot, Kiwi and Aussie were travelling in the same carriage on a train bragging about their homelands when the Cuban lit up a big fat cigar. He took one puff of the sought after log and threw it out the window.

    "Why didya goen do that fir" cried the Scotsman. T'was a real Cubin cigar you just threw out the window laddy".

    "My country has so many cigars that losing tenfold this amount means nothing to me. There is plenty more where it came from", returned the bragging Cuban.

    The Scot wondered what item his country had bountiful quantities
    of so that he could out-do the Cuban. From out of his bag he pulled a brand new bottle of the finest Scotch Whisky, took a gulp and threw the bottle from the train.

    "Why in the bloody hell did ya do that for ya stupid Scottish
    *******" howled the Aussie. "That was a top drop you just got rid of".

    "Ah young laddy, such whiskey runs like water in my fine country.
    Losing even the finest bottle means nothing to me - there is
    plenty more where it came from".

    At that point the Aussie picked up the Kiwi and hurled him from the train.

  7. #17
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    A bloke was walking down the street in Belfast late one night when a hooded figure leaped out of the shadows and stuck a gun in his ribs.
    "Are you a Protestant or a catholic?" the gunman demanded.
    "Neither" the terrified bloke replied. " I'm Jewish".
    "Oh boy!" the gunman exclaimed." I must be the luckiest Arab in Northern Ireland!"





    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    "It took me ages to play a round of golf with Robbo today," moaned Bill back at the club house. "Why?" asked the barman. "What happened?"
    "He had a heart attack and died on the fifth hole," Bill explained. "and its hard going -- hit, drag, hit, drag, hit, drag...."





    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    "Listen baby," the prisoner whispered to his girlfriend, " I want
    you to get me some wire cutters and a file and smuggle them to me inside a cake." "OK" his girl nodded and left.
    Months went by and finally she returned to the gaol empty handed.
    " What went wrong?" the prisoner asked.
    "Oh, I got the file and wire cutters all right," she replied, " but how the heck do I bake a cake?"





    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Q. What's the difference between a machine gun and an accordion?

    A. A machine gun stops after 20 rounds!





    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and
    one says to the other, "I hear that the occupants of this
    country actually eat dogs."

    "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in
    America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

    Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot
    dog vendor and they both walk toward him.

    "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too
    pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil.

    Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap
    their 'dogs.'

    The mother superior is first to open hers. Staring at it
    for a moment, she leans over to the other nun and whispers
    cautiously, "What part did you get?"

  8. #18
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    A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a ham sandwich.
    The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
    "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
    "And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.
    "I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
    "Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
    "I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.
    So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves.
    This continues for 2 weeks.
    Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender says to him;
    "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be
    just brilliant in your circus - he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
    "Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."
    So the next day, the duck comes into the pub.
    The bartender says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job paying really good money!"
    "Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
    "At the circus" says the bartender.
    "The circus?" the duck enquires.
    "That's right," replies the bartender.
    "The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
    "That's right!" says the bartender.
    The duck looks confused and asks: "What the f!*k do they want with a plasterer?"
    <center></center>

  9. #19
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    Bob had felt guilty all day long.
    No matter how much he tried to forget about it he couldn't.
    The sense of guilt and betrayal was overwhelming, but every once in a while
    he'd hear a small inner voice trying to reassure him "you are not the first
    Doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last".

    But the other voice would bring him back to reality '"Bob, you're a
    veterinarian."

    <center></center>

  10. #20
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    One day, Mr. Caterpillar decided to hitch a ride to town.
    As he was standing by the roadside, a family of bees came by in a little car and offered him a ride.
    Gratefully, he accepted.
    After putting along merrily for a few kilometers, the engine sputtered, and the car rolled to a halt.
    Without saying a word, Papa Bee alighted and urinated into the fuel intake.
    When he turned the starter, the engine started up, much to Mr. Caterpillar's amazement!
    However, he did not say a word.
    The car went on for quite some distance before the engine died again.
    This time, it was Mother Bee who urinated into the fuel intake, and again, the car started up after that.
    The process was then repeated again for Baby Bee.
    By the time the engine died for the fourth time, the little car was only a few kilometers from town.
    Not wanting to appear unsophisticated, Mr.Caterpillar got out of the car without a word, and started opening the fuel cap.
    In a flash, Papa Bee got out of the car.
    "What are you doing?" asked Papa Bee.
    "I'm going to piss in the fuel intake,just like you did", said Mr. Caterpillar.
    "Oh, no", said Papa Bee patiently, "that won't do. This car only runs on Bee Pee!" (BP)
    <center></center>

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