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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #191
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    WHO ARE THE BEST WOMEN TO MARRY?

    Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".

    The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...".

    The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid".

    The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.

    6:00 a.m.
    The phone rings it's the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse.
    The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you're not sanitary, you're not sanitary". Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.

    6:30 a.m.
    The telephone operator's husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed. Joe asks," What happened? Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices."
    The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."

    Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.

    4:30 p.m.
    The teacher's husband called for breakfast. Joe can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. The wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs. Joe fearing the worst asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"
    The man smiles and happily replies,
    "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get right."

  2. #192
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    A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to
    paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected,
    sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably
    distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the
    doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck
    seat, and they go.

    When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to
    show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever
    seen anything like this before?"

    "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed."
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  3. #193
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    The governors of Alabama, Georgia & Mississippi would
    like to announce that they have made a disturbing
    discovery in their states. Apparently, a small
    number of terrorists have become romantically
    involved with the locals. The result was not pretty,
    and we now have the sad task of reporting a new
    hybrid ethnic group, ISLAMABUBBAS .

    So far, only a smattering of actual births has been
    reported, and we are hard at work trying to isolate
    and seal them off. To date, we have identified the
    following:

    Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
    Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Bout It
    Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba
    Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba
    Bobbie Joe Bubba Charlene Atat
    Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl
    Cleavie Daba Hava Tampa
    Linda Sue Bin There Dunthat

    Not surprisingly, they all seem to have sprung from
    one couple: Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin
    Lovin.
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  4. #194
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    A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"

    "No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the madame. "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked. "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. At the second one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"

    "No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the madame. "If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked again. "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."

    "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he questioned. "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."

    "I'm sure you would, sir", said the madame while gesturing to a grotesque woman in her seventies in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

  5. #195
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    Job Recruiter's Lingo pt 1
    ==========================


    Competitive Salary

    we remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

    Join our Fast-Pace Team

    we have no time to train you.

    Casual Work Atmosphere

    we don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a
    couple of the real daring guys wear earings.

    Must be Deadline Oriented

    you'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

    Some Overtime Required

    some time each night and some time each weekend.

    Duties Will Vary

    anyone in the office can boss you around.
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  6. #196
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    Job Recruiter's Lingo pt 2
    ==========================

    Must have an Eye for Detail

    we have no quality control

    Apply in Person

    If you're old, fat or ugly, you'll be told the position has
    been filled.

    No Phone Calls Please

    We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal
    formality.

    Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience

    You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

    Problem-Solving Skills a Must

    you're walking into a company in perpetual chaos

    Good Communication Skills

    Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they
    want, and doit.

    Require Team Leadership Skills

    you'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay
    or respect.
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  7. #197
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    Granny was in her eighties and much admired for
    her sweetness and kindness
    to all. The pastor came to call on her one
    afternoon early in the spring
    and she welcomed him into her parlor..

    He took a seat while she prepared some tea. As
    he sat facing her old pump
    organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl
    sitting on top of it, filled
    with water.

    In the water floated, of all things, a condom.

    Imagine his shock and surprise! And curiosity!
    Surely, Miss Granny had
    flipped!! But he felt he couldn't mention the
    strange sight in her parlor.

    When she returned with the tea and cookies they
    began to chat. The pastor tried
    to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water
    and the floating item, but soon
    it got the better of him and he could resist no longer.

    "Miss Granny," he said while pointing to the
    bowl, "I wonder if you could
    tell me about this?"

    "Oh, yes", she replied, "Isn't it wonderful! I was
    walking down town last fall and I found this
    little package. The directions said
    to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would
    prevent disease.
    And you know . . . I haven't had a cold all
    winter."
    The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

  8. #198
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    The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father; a government employee who attempts to solve thecouple's problem by impregnating the wife.

    The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell................

    Ms Smith: "Good morning."
    Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to....."

    Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you.

    Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies,
    especially twins."

    Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

    Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"

    Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do."

    Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."

    Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"

    Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in
    the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on
    the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows
    the subject to really spread out.

    Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me."

    Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one
    every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot
    from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with
    the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to
    please.'"

    Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"

    Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."

    Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"

    Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just
    look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on
    top of a bus in downtown London."

    Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!"

    Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town.

    They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

    Ms Smith: "She was?"

    Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to
    Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked
    under such impossible conditions. People were crowding
    around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

    Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?"

    Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling
    at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to
    ask a couple of men restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."

    Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"
    Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my
    work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my
    patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one
    in the front window of a big department store."

    Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."

    Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my
    tripod so that we can get to work."
    Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"
    Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?...My word, she's fainted!

  9. #199
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    <center>Never Argue With A Woman</center>

    A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort New Zealand.
    The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn.
    The wife liked to read.
    One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
    Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat.
    She drove out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.
    Along came the warden in his boat.
    He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
    "Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, "isn't it obvious?"
    "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
    "But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
    "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and charge you."
    "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.
    "But, I haven't even touched you," groused the warden.
    "Yes, she replied, "but you have all the equipment."

    MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read. It's likely she can also think.

    <center> </center>

  10. #200
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    ...........and dont you forget it :D
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