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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #201
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    Time to pick on the men!

    If they can put one man on the moon, why not all of them?

    When a woman makes a fool of a man....it is usually an improvement!

    Q: What's the difference between men and pigs?
    A: Pigs don't turn into men when they're drunk!

    Equality is a myth - woman are better!

    All the women moaning about finding a husband have obviously never had one.

    Most men prefer looks to brains because most men see better than they think!

    The average man is proof that women can take a joke!

    A man who belittles a woman in public is only trying to pull her down to his size.

    Q: What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain?
    A: A widower!

  2. #202
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    Statements that will almost gaurantee you won't get any!

    "Oh, you had a bad day at work? Where's my dinner?"

    "I know this is the fifth night in a row I've been out with the guys,
    but it's the Tyson fight."

    "I know it's a 3-day golf weekend...we'll make love when I get back, OK?"

    "Are you retaining water this week?"

    "I was only kidding..."

    "Are you feeling ok? You look like ****."

    "Your best friend Debbie is such a *****!"

    "I'll be right up after the Simpsons, OK?"

    "You should see the new sexy, young employee that started today..."

    "I don't really care for cats."

  3. #203
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    <center>Some American Sayings</center>

    Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

    I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

    I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"

    I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

    Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

    Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

    If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

    I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

    The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

    There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and ****head's.

    If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!!

    I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

    I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

    I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

    Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

    Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.

    If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway!

    Welcome To **** Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

    How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

    Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

    Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

    Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

    Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
    <center> </center>

  4. #204
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    A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
    stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed,
    "Dear Lord,I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
    merely stays at home.I want her to know what I go through, so please
    create a trade in our bodies".

    God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next
    morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked
    breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school
    clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to
    school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the
    cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power
    bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone
    company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put
    away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and
    bathed the dog.

    Then it was already 1 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the
    laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to
    the school to pick the kids and got into an argument with them on the
    way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do
    their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while
    he did the ironing.

    At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad,
    breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After
    supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry,
    bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 p.m. he was exhausted
    and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where
    he was expected to make love-which he managed to get through without
    complaint. The next morning he awoke and immediately
    knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
    I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
    Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite
    wisdom, replied,

    "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy
    to change things back to the way they were. You'll have to wait
    9 months, though. You got pregnant last night"
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  5. #205
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    A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000
    to put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious
    and asks the man why he wants to do this. The man replies, "I have
    my reasons which I would rather not tell right now." So, the artist
    goes ahead and does the job.

    But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants
    a $100 bill on his p*nis. So, he tells the man that he really needs to
    know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would
    have paid for the tatoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a
    $100 bill on his willie. So, the man consents and offers these three
    reasons: "First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch
    my money grow. And third,and most importantly, the next time my wife
    wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it."
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  6. #206
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    Benny wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. At
    his interview, the inspector asked him this question:

    "What would you do if you saw 2 trains heading for
    each other on the SAME track?

    Benny replied," I would switch the points for one of
    the trains."

    "Good. But what if the lever broke?", asked the
    inspector.

    "Then I'd run down to the signal box", said Benny,
    "and use the manual lever there."

    "What if lightning struck it?' asked the inspector.

    "Then..." Benny continued, "I'd run back into signal
    box & phone the next signal box."

    "What if the phone was engaged?"

    "Well.....in that case," persevered Benny, " I'd
    rush down out of the box & use the public emergency
    phone at the level of the crossing up there..."

    "What would you do if THAT was vandalized?"

    "Oh, well then I'd run into the village & get my
    Uncle Toby."

    This bizarre response puzzled the Inspector, so he
    asked, "And just why would you do that?"

    "Because Uncle Toby... He's never seen a train wreck!"
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  7. #207
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    Taliban Trap
    ============

    A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a
    voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One American Marine is better than
    ten Taliban". The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers
    over the dune where upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few
    minutes, then silence.

    The voice then calls out "One American Marine is better than one hundred
    Taliban". Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops
    over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of
    battle, again silence.

    The American voice calls out again "One American Marine is better than one
    thousand Taliban". The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand
    fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun
    fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one
    wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words
    tells his commander... "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There are
    actually two of them."
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  8. #208
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    <center>A Blonde Joke</center>

    A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum deodorant.
    The pharmacist a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have.
    Unfazed the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
    "I'm sorry" says the pharmacist " we don't have any."
    "But I always get it here," says the blonde.
    The pharmacist asks "Do you have the container it comes in?"
    "Yes" said the blonde "I'll go home and get it".
    She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at her and says "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
    The annoyed blonde snatches back the container and reads out loud from the container,


    ( Wait for it - it's good )


    "To apply, push up bottom"
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  9. #209
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    Military ****
    =============


    Rated PG-13

    An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15 lb.
    weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says,

    "This is ****!"

    An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back,
    weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles,
    and says with a smile,

    "This is good ****!"

    A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand, after
    swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles
    at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin,

    "This really is great ****."

    A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug infested mud of a swamp with
    a
    65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an
    aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore,
    killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles
    through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says,

    "I love this ****."

    The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned office, and
    says,

    "My e-mail's out? What kind of **** is this?"
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  10. #210
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    Will Rogers
    ===========

    A long time ago, there was a man named Will Rogers,
    and this is what he said:

    Don't squat with your spurs on.

    Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that
    comes from bad judgment.

    Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n
    puttin' it back in.

    If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back
    every now and then to make sure it's still there.

    If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some
    influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

    After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so
    good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter
    came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full
    of bull, keep your mouth shut.

    Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

    There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither
    one works.

    If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do
    is stop diggin'.

    Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.

    It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock
    of sheep.

    Always drink upstream from the herd.

    When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter
    or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their
    lesson.

    When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to
    have it thrown around by somebody else.

    The quickest way to double your money is to fold
    it over and put it back in your pocket.

    Never miss a good chance to shut up.

    There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by
    reading, the few who learn by observation, and the
    rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for
    themselves.
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