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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #211
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    <center>A Delicate Problem</center>

    When Ralph first noticed that his ***** was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
    But after several weeks his ***** had grown to nearly twenty inches.
    Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

    After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.

    "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

    "Crutches? why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

    "Well," said the wife coldly, "You ARE planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you ?"
    <center> </center>

  2. #212
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    A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average ***** and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."

  3. #213
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    A (supposedly) true story:

    A friend of a guy in the Nutrition School at Tufts was one of the lucky passengers onboard a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during our recent hurricane "Bob". The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom.

    "Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it?' But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston.

    .
    . <after a short pause and several clicks>
    .

    "Jesus Christ - whadda *****in' ride! Boy - I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now"

    As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her, "Don't forget the coffee!"

  4. #214
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    Newt Gingrich is on an airplane, flying back to DC. The guy sitting next to him is immersed in a book and pays no attention to Newt. Toward the end of the flight Newt asks:

    Newt: "What book is that you're reading? Man: "It's called 'Deductive Reasoning'." Newt: "Sounds interesting, what's it about?" Man: "Let me give you an example."
    Newt: "Okay."
    Man: "Do you have a dog?"
    Newt: "Yes, I do, as a matter of fact." Man: "I would deduce from this, then, that you have a yard as well, no?" Newt: "Yes! I do have a yard." Man: "Then I would further deduce that you have a house next to this yard?" Newt: "I do!" Man: "Then I'll bet you have a family, don't you?" Newt: "Yes, a very nice family!" Man: "And you're a heterosexual, aren't you?" Newt: "You betcha! I'm beginning to see how this works!"

    Later that week, Newt goes out and buys the book on deductive reasoning and is determined to read it cover to cover on his return flight. His plane takes off and he begins reading. Two hours later, the man sitting next to him notices how Newt is so engrossed in this book, and just can't keep himself from being impolite and interrupting:

    Man: "Excuse me, sir, what's that you're reading?" Newt: "It's called, 'Deductive Reasoning'." Man: "Oh. Then you must have learned how to use deductive reasoning, eh?"
    Newt: "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I have. Let me show you how it works." Man: "Okay." Newt: "Do you have a dog?" Man: "No." Newt: "Well, then, you must be a homosexual!"

  5. #215
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    There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a
    baby.The preacher went to the congregation and asked
    for a raise. After much consideration and discussion,
    they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family
    expanded, so would his paycheck.

    After 6 children, this started to get expensive and
    the congregation decided to hold another meeting to
    discuss the preacher's pay. There was much yelling and
    bickering about how much the clergy- man's additional
    children were costing the church.

    Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd,
    "having children is an "act of God!"

    Silence fell on the congregation.

    In the back of the room, a little old man stood up
    and in his frail voice said .... "snow and rain are
    also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear
    rubbers."
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  6. #216
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    A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife
    goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a
    ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
    "Yeah,right," she says.

    A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The
    wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes
    to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully
    around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman
    is amazed!

    Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his
    buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The
    woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet
    again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully
    ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!
    The woman sleeps soundly.

    The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the
    bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror
    and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused,and
    as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his
    dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says,"Boy,
    I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first
    and second place."
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  7. #217
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    An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are
    divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
    "Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.
    "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
    Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like
    heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
    She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man,
    "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get
    there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
    The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!!

  8. #218
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    Laid Off
    ========
    After being laid off from five different jobs in four
    months my Uncle Joe was hired by a warehouse. But one
    day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the
    loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook
    his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of
    Uncle Joe's wages to pay for the repairs. "How much
    will it cost?" asked my uncle.

    "About $4,500." said the owner.

    "What a relief!" exclaimed Uncle Joe. "I've finally
    got job security!"
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  9. #219
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    This Amazing Trick
    ==================
    During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see
    a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat,
    the man from the back of the theatre yelled, "How'd you
    do that?"

    "I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But
    then I'd have to kill you."

    After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then.
    Just tell my wife!"
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  10. #220
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    A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 1996 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He
    takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a
    red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90
    years old, pulls up next to him.

    The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car
    and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".

    The dude replies "A 1996 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost
    $500,000."

    "That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why
    does it cost so much?"

    "Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states
    the cool dude proudly.

    The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"

    "Sure" replies the owner.

    So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks
    around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says
    "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"

    Just then the light changes, so the guy decides
    to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and
    within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly,
    the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to
    be getting closer!

    Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going
    maybe 3 times as fast!

    The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than
    my Turbo BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot
    coming toward him.

    Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked
    like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy.
    How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees
    a dot in his rearview mirror!

    WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

    The guy jumps out and, jeezus to betsy, it is the old
    man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for
    certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks
    "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

    The old man replies "yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the
    side-view mirror on your car!"

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