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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #241
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
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    For Beefy when no one is posting here on TT ;)

    THINGS TO DO WHEN YOU ARE BORED

    Things you can do with absolutely nothing:

    Push your eyes for interesting light show:

    (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) See a variety of blobs, stars
    and flashes. Try to make out things-is your subconscious trying
    to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing
    different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to
    somehow see the same effects on TV?

    See how long you can hold your breath:

    (Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it
    sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your
    own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and
    stay as still as possible.

    Try to not think about polar bears:

    (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) This is especially hard,
    because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to
    avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking
    about polar bears anyway.

    Scratch yourself:

    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Go ahead, scratch yourself
    now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn't that feel pretty
    good?

    Hurt yourself:

    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) What is pain? Why is it
    unpleasant? There's nothing physical about it - it's all in your
    mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem
    nice next to being in pain.

    Try to swallow your tongue:

    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) There's not much to say about
    this one. It is possible.

    Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image:

    (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) Another great time waster.
    It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image,
    and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time.
    Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.

    Get yourself as nauseated as possible:

    (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Best achieved by looking
    straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can't
    even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom
    seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself").

    Things you can do with very little:

    See what's in your neighbor's trash:

    (Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes) You can learn a lot about
    people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret
    about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value
    that still works, like a VCR.

    Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent:

    (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Sort of entertaining. Fun
    to pretend the people on the screen are actually talking that way.

    Call up people who write editorials you disagree with:

    (Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes) I'm surprised no one has
    thought of this before. Unleash your fury on the person who had
    the nerve to write a letter like that! I'm pretty sure it doesn't
    qualify as a prank phone call, too.

    Make prank phone calls:

    (Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes) Very entertaining, but
    requires discipline. Remember - vulgarities don't make a call
    funny, but getting the other person to believe a ridiculous story
    will. Even more fun if you get a bunch of people on the line
    using a Wonderphone and take turns making the calls. One to get
    you started off: Call McDonalds, try to make reservations.

    Pretend all humans will die except for people in room with you:

    (Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes) What would you do if this
    really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be
    factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only
    be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or
    broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon
    gas out of. Best to do with people you know.

    Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it's a cliff:

    (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) To get any benefit out of
    this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don't step off
    immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel
    the winds at that altitude. Step off and...AHHHHHH!!!!!

    Burn things with a magnifying glass:

    (Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes) Ants are always fun to use
    for this, but burning the face of someone you don't like, under
    some circumstances, can be just as entertaining.

    Things you can do with another person:

    Have a water drinking contest:

    (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) While the competition is
    fun, you probably won't feel too good afterward. To give your
    event an old western theme, slam the cups upside down on the
    tables after you have emptied them.

    Stare at the back of someone's head until they turn around:

    (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) This works on the "I have the
    feeling I'm being watched" principle. Conduct an experiment--does
    this really work?

    Have a "Who is less competitive" competition:

    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Trying to win at this will
    make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose.
    Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes
    you lose.

    Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view:

    (Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes) Think about it: your dog
    has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6" to 2' high (15
    to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It's never seen the tops of
    counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc.
    Try looking at things from its point of view, too.

    Pull out a hair, stick in someone's ear:

    (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) Best done to sleeping people.
    Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you
    can't blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of
    times before the person catches on.

    Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person's neck:

    (Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes) Always a good gag. For an
    even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you're not sorry
    at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big
    that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one.

  2. #242
    Beefy Guest

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    that'd make me really popular at work.. i spin around on my chair, stumble into the corridor cos i can't see cos i've been staring at my finger as it's goughing out my eye.. . :)

  3. #243
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    well you did ask for things to do at work in one of these threads..........just trying to be helpful

  4. #244
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    "Bless Australia...I say."

    By Abdullah Abdurahan.
    In Afghanistan, things not OK
    Think to self, "Must get away."
    So jump on boat and come to Aussie,
    "Ah so," I say, "what a lovely possie."

    Go quick smart to welfare fella -
    He hand me money -
    I give bank teller.
    Welfare say, "Come no more...
    We send your cheque right to your door."

    Six months on dole -
    no longer poor,
    Drive around in Commodore.
    Write to friends in Afghanistan,
    Tell them, "Come here quick as can."

    Still on welfare (work at job)
    So get loan from Finance mob,
    Get pretty smart - know what to do,
    Buy big house in Waterloo.

    Friends write and tell me, "On the way.
    Can I find them a place to stay?"
    When they arrive, with beds I fix,
    In just four rooms - get twenty-six.

    Soon am banking plenty rent,
    (five in backyard) - live in tent.
    All are drawing Social money,
    Must think Howard "Bloody Bunny".

    With all my friends now living there,
    Next door neighbour start to swear.
    Tell me he must move away,
    I buy his house, with cash I pay.

    Now everything is going good,
    Soon I own all neighbourhood.
    Open fish shop next to Coles,
    Make big profit from spring rolls.
    Get real fat from eating nice,
    Sure as hell, beats bloody rice.
    Still on welfare, still get rents,
    Think I buy Mercedes Benz.
    Very happy, real good life,
    Bring out girl and make her wife.
    Take up hobby, call it breeding,
    Baby bonus pay for feeding.
    Kids need dentist,
    wife needs pills.
    We get for free,
    we got no bills.

    White man good, he pay all year,
    To keep the Welfare running here.
    We thank Australia, damn good place,
    Too damn good for Aussie race.
    So if you no like Arab man,
    PLENTY ROOM IN AFGHANISTAN.

  5. #245
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    Nov 2001
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    It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait. It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!"

  6. #246
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    Mar 2004
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    It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing
    Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles
    around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As
    Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most
    stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up
    onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to
    hypnotize each and every member of this audience."

    The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew
    a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I
    want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
    It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
    six generations."

    He began to swing the watch gently back and forth
    while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch,
    watch the watch ...."

    The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed
    back and forth, light gleaming off its polished
    surface.

    Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,
    until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers
    and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.


    "****!" said the hypnotist.

    It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

  7. #247
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    Kin yew breathe?
    ================

    Two Hillbillies in Arkansas were having the blue plate special (Road Kill)
    at their favorite diner, when they heard this awful choking sound. They
    turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from
    wolfing down a burger too fast. The first hillbilly said to the other,
    "Think we otta' hep?" "I reckon," said the second hillbilly.

    The first hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin yew
    breathe?"

    She shook her head no.

    "Kin yew talk?" he asked.

    She again shook her head no.

    With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on
    the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to
    breathe, with great relief.

    The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that
    there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever'time .
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  8. #248
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    A few statements to ponder...George Carlin quotes:

    1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
    2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
    3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
    4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
    5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
    6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
    7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
    8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
    9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
    10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
    11. Is there another word for synonym?
    12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
    13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
    14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
    15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  9. #249
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    The answer to no 8 ) is yes :D

  10. #250
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    that is what the email was about that I told you about yesterday
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

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