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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #261
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    There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future.
    One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish,
    "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa."
    The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.

    A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mommy, God
    bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." The next day his poor grandmother was
    hit by a bus while crossing the street - she never felt a thing.

    A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, "God bless
    Mommy, goodbye Daddy."

    His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly,
    to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He
    couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about those words, "Goodbye
    Daddy." He finally came home early, but very carefully. He was met at
    the front door by his wife, who said, "What do you think happened
    oday, dear? The most awful thing - the milkman dropped dead on the
    back porch."
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  2. #262
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    A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control. He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road
    who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!" They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!" They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I farted and a house blew up!"

  3. #263
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    A carpet layer had justfinished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.

    In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

    "No sense pulling up the entirefloor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

    As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."

    "Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet. "

  4. #264
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    An older couple were on a cruise and the weather became stormy.
    While they were standing on the stern watching the moon, a large
    wave swept the woman overboard.

    After searching in for several days they were unable to locate
    her body. The captain returned the man to shore and promised to
    send him word when they found something.

    Several weeks passed before the man was notified. The fax read
    as follows:

    "Sir,"

    We are sorry to inform you your wife is dead. When we
    retrieved her body attached to her most private part
    was an oyster. Inside the oyster was a pearl worth
    $50,000.

    Please advise."

    The man replied, "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!"
    New rig
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  5. #265
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    I'm Glad I'm a Man
    ==================

    I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.

    I don't live off yoghurt,
    diet coke, or cottage cheese.

    I don't ***** to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.

    I can get where I want to - north, south, east, or west.

    I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
    and when I do drink, I don't end up in tears.

    I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.

    I spend five minutes max fixing my hair.

    And I don't go around checking my reflection
    in everything shiny from every direction.

    I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
    and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

    I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.

    I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.

    I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.

    I don't carry our differences into the sack.

    I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
    or think every guy is out there trying to steal you.

    I'm rational, responsible, and logical too.

    I know what the time is and I know what to do.

    And I honestly think its a privilege for me
    to have these two balls and stand when I pee.

    I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.

    It's more fun than dealing with women, after all.
    I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.

    I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.

    Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.

    I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

    Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.

    I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.

    I don't get *****y every 28 days.

    I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.

    I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.

    I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
    New rig
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  6. #266
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    60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

    1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
    2. Ahh, it's cute.
    3. Who circumcised you?
    4. Why don't we just cuddle?
    5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
    6. It's more fun to look at.
    7. Make it dance.
    8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
    9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
    10. It looks like a night crawler.
    11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
    12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
    13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
    14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
    15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
    16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
    17. Oh no, a flash headache.
    18. (giggle and point)
    19. Can I be honest with you?
    20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
    21. Let me go get my tweezers.
    22. How sweet, you brought incense.
    23. This explains your car.
    24. You must be a growing boy.
    25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
    26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
    27. Are you one of those pygmies?
    28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
    29. Every heard of clearasil?
    30. All right, a treasure hunt!
    31. I didn't know they came that small.
    32. Why is God punishing you?
    33. At least this won't take long.
    34. I never saw one like that before.
    35. What do you call this?
    36. But it still works, right?
    37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
    38. It looks so unused.
    39. Do you take steroids?
    40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
    41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
    42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
    43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
    44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
    45. Aww, it's hiding.
    46. Are you cold?
    47. If you get me real drunk first.
    48. Is that an optical illusion?
    49. What is that?
    50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
    51. Were you neutered?
    52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
    53. Does it come with an air pump?
    54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
    55. Where are the puppet strings?
    56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
    57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
    58. Never mind, why bother.
    59. Is that a second belly button?
    60. Where's the rest of it?

  7. #267
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    Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click." "Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle." "What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

  8. #268
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    There was a girl who just started working in a bank. Every day, she noticed that a very attractive man walked by her office. She discovered that he was the bank president and that he made quite a lot of money. She decided that she would like to get to know this man, but she was not quite sure what to do to get him to ask her out on a date.

    She went to her analyst and he gave her some advice. While she was around this man he suggested that she pretend a string was attached to the top of her head and that it hung down her left side to her waist. She was to also to pretend that a penny was attached to the end of the string. When she walked near this guy she was to pretend to hit the penny with her left hip. This, stated the analyst, would cause him to notice her.

    The next day, she passed the man in the hall and began moving her left hip. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the penny... hit the penny..." Just as the analyst predicted, the man noticed her and stopped to chat for a while.

    This worked well for a few days, but the man never did ask her out. She talked to her analyst again, and this time he told her to pretend that she also had another string attached to the top of her head that hung down to her right hip. Attached to this string was a nickel. As she walked near the man she was now to use her hips to first hit the penny and then hit the nickel.

    The next day at work, she saw the man and began moving her hips. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the penny... hit the nickel..." Just as predicted, the man stopped her and asked her out on a date.

    After a few weeks and numerous dates later, the girl decided that she wanted this man to ask her to marry him. After talking to her analyst, he suggested she pretend she had another string attached to the top of her head that hung down her back to her bottom, and attached to this string was a dime. She was now to use her hips to hit all of these coins.

    The next day they had a date, and when she saw the man she began moving her hips again. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime..." That night, just as the analyst predicted, the man asked her to marry him.

    She was very happy, and began to make wedding plans. She also began to worry about her honeymoon because she was a virgin and was not well versed in the art of making love. She talked to her analyst again and this time he told her to pretend that one more string was attached to the top of her head and than it hung down in front of her to her private parts. He told her to hit the coins when she was making love to her new husband.

    A few weeks later her wedding day arrived. After the ceremony the newly married couple rushed of to their honeymoon. That night she went into the bathroom at the hotel and practiced moving her hips. "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter..."

    Soon they were in bed together and as they began making love she started moving her hips. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... Oh, forget the small change... hit the quarter... hit the quarter... hit the quarter..."

  9. #269
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    The state of Michigan has been laughing for days, and a very embarrassed female news anchor will probably from now on think before she speaks.

    What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

    He was laughing so hard he had to leave the set.

  10. #270
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    oh the pain of my sides splitting at that one roflmao :thumb: Bern

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