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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #271
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    Well what can 1 say except :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
    Top 1 there. :thumb:

  2. #272
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    A businessman and his secretary are overcome by passion, and the exec confinces his paramour to retire to his house for what is popularly termed a "nooner". "Don't worry" he purrs "my wife is out of town on a business trip, and won't bother us".

    The pair are necking in the business man's bedroom, when the secretary gasps "we got to stop now! I'm not using any birth control.."

    "No problem" he replies "I know where my wife keeps her diaphragm..."

    He immediately begins rooting around in the bathroom. After a half hour, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.

    "That B!tch!" he exclaims "she took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me ....."

    Blonde business man perhaps :?: ;)

  3. #273
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    Dead Sea Scrolls
    ================

    The Dead Sea Scrolls, found in the 1940's will soon
    be published. One item that hasn't received much
    attention follows:

    Lost Paragraph from Genesis:

    So God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam
    said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that
    he was going to make Adam a companion and that it
    would be a woman. God said, "This person will gather
    food for you, and when you discover clothing she'll
    wash it for you. She will always agree with every
    decision you make. She will bear your children and
    never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to
    take care of them. She will not nag you and will
    always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've
    had a disagreement. She will never have a headache
    and will freely give you love and passion whenever you
    need it.

    Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

    God replied, "An arm and a leg."

    Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" And the
    rest is history.
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  4. #274
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    Two hunters from Michigan
    =========================

    (true story)

    This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in
    Michigan:

    A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500
    and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go
    duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes
    are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with
    the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle.
    They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now,
    they want to make some kind of a natural landing area
    for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.

    In order to make a hole large enough to look like
    something a wandering duck would fly down and land
    on, it is going to take a little more effort than
    an ice hole drill.

    So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick
    of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these
    two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration
    that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the
    ice at a location far from where they are standing
    (and the new Navigator), because they don't want
    to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run
    from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke
    with the resulting blast.

    They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.
    Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned
    the vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let's talk about
    the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for
    RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.

    You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of
    doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of
    dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the
    time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave
    their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog,
    cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the
    shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with
    # 8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.
    The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but
    continues on.

    Another shot and this time the dog, still standing,
    becomes really confused and of course terrified,
    thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.

    The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new
    Navigator. ----BOOM!---- Dog and Navigator are blown
    to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very
    large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with
    this "I can't believe this happened" look on their
    faces.

    The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a
    lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He
    still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month
    payments! And you thought your day was not going
    well?
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  5. #275
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    So, this guy, Bill is sitting at the bar and pulls out this tiny little piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully. The fellow on the next bar stool, Joe says" That's amazing. Where did you get him?" Bill says" well I got this magic lamp with a genie" So the other fellow says that's great could I use it?" Bill says "sure " and hands him the lamp. Joe rubs the lamp and out comes the genie. He says" I want a million bucks". Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks! Joe exclaims"Hey! I asked for I million BUCKS! not DUCKS!" Bill explained "Yes, the genie is a bit deaf. You don't think I really asked for a twelve inch pianist do you?

  6. #276
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    A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
    I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
    started."

    Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished."

    The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

    Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in ad shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He
    studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to herand says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able
    to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger..."

    "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a glass of wine, then put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box!"
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  7. #277
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    The boss of a small company called a spontaneous staff
    meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful
    week. When everyone gathered, the employer, who
    understood the benefits of having fun, told the
    burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have
    a quick contest, whose theme was "Viagra advertising
    slogans."

    Dividing into 10 groups of three, the only rule was
    they had to use past ad slogans that captured the
    essence of Viagra. About 7 minutes later, they
    turned in their suggestions, and created a "Top Ten
    List." After all the laughter and camaraderie, the
    rest of the week went very well for everyone.

    10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"

    9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper

    8. Viagra, Like a rock!

    7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be
    there tonight.
    6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

    5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

    4. Viagra, Strong enough for a [woman], but made for a[man].

    3. Viagra, Tastes great!........More filling!

    2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!
    And the unanimous number one slogan:
    1. This is your *****. This is your ***** on drugs.

    Any questions?
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  8. #278
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    Hahahahahahahahahahaha.....and another thing about viagra....

  9. #279
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    ROFLMAO!!!!
    HE'D BE ALRIGHT FOR AN ALL NIGHTER :lips:
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  10. #280
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    The Epic of the Baked Beans


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
    for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
    embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
    a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would
    marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on
    like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans,
    and shortly after that they got married.

    A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down
    and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told
    her he would be late because he had to walk. On is way home, he
    passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans
    overwhelmed him.

    Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk
    off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and
    ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of
    baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down
    one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived
    home he felt reasonably safe.

    His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She
    exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you
    for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to
    his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to
    peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming
    on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone
    rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned,
    and she went to answer the phone.

    While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his
    weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as
    a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his
    napkin and fanned the air about him.

    He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He
    raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine
    revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried
    fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.
    Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another
    urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go.
    This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the
    dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the
    table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the
    conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying
    blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes,
    farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

    When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his
    loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and
    folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the
    picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

    Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the
    dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold
    and yelled, "Surprise!!"

    To his shock & horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
    around the table for his surprise birthday party.

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