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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #281
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    <center>New Bike.</center>

    On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light.
    Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.
    The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
    The kid said, "Yeah."
    The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike."
    The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
    The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
    Humouring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."
    The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

    <center>:cheers:</center>

  2. #282
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    Hahahaha....good one wiggo :D

  3. #283
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    I wonder who had the last laugh
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  4. #284
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    <center>Stuttering.</center>

    An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all suffer from a severe stutter.

    "What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady.

    "Th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi.................." says the Englishman.

    Up steps the Irishman. "Th Three p pints o o of gui gui gui......."

    So the Scotsman tries."Th th th thth th th th th th th th......."

    "Oh bugger this!" says the landlady and walks away to serve someone else.

    She returns later and asks if they are ready to order yet.

    "Th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", stutters the Englishman.

    "Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy.

    And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th th ththth...........".

    "Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet, "If any one of you can answer a question without stuttering I'll let you shag me!" Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman. "Where do you live?"

    "M M M M Man Man Manch Manch Manch."

    "No. You lose." she says. Turning to the Scotsman, she asks, "Where do you live Scotty?", trying not to laugh.

    "E E Ed Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb..."

    "Sorry, you lose." says the gorgeous woman. "And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.

    "London" blurts out the Irishman.

    "Oh. Bugger!" says the landlady. A great cheer goes up in the pub and she reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs.

    Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom, and finally she slides off her panties and climbs into bed.

    Paddy, with concentration, climbs aboard and goes for glory. Then, right at the climaxing stroke, he suddenly screams out ...

    "...............- D D D D D Derry!!"

    <center>:cheers:</center>

  5. #285
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    Heh,heh....

  6. #286
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    Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as "squawks," submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

    P = The problem logged by the pilot.

    S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.

    S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

    P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.

    S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

    P: Something loose in ****pit.

    S: Something tightened in ****pit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.

    S: Live bugs on backorder.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.

    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

    S: That's what they're there for!

    P: IFF inoperative.

    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windscreen.

    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.

    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.

    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.

    S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

    P: Mouse in ****pit.

    S: Cat installed

  7. #287
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    hehehe.. i like that QANTAS one. ;)

  8. #288
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    50/50
    =====

    A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's.
    He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As
    he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half,
    then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had
    half of them.
    Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup
    and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat,
    and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

    The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase
    another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

    The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We're old. This is plenty for us.
    Besides, we've been married 50 years, and everything has always been
    and will always be shared, 50/50."

    The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat her share,
    and she replied, "Not yet. This time he gets the first turn with the
    teeth."
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  9. #289
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    The Top 10 Worst Things You Can Say on a First Date
    ======================================

    10) That was your sister? She has really big ta-ta's for a
    14 year old.

    9) This has been the most stimulating 15 minutes of
    onversation I've ever had. What are you doing for the rest
    of your life baby?

    8) It's a real miracle drug. I couldn't control my herpes
    without it.

    7) I'm so glad you agree to go out with me. I just started
    using Viagra and I've been wanting to see how well it
    works...

    6) I asked you out because you look so much like my last
    girlfriend. I still think about her all the time and being with
    you is almost as good as being with her.

    5) I'm glad we're going out. I got 8 kids at home that need
    a new mama.

    4) Man your roommate looked incredible! Can I have her
    number just in case things don't work out tonight?

    3) A lot of people think Scientology is a cult but that's not
    true. In fact, I want you to come to a meeting with me
    tomorrow to prove it. No I insist, you will come to the
    meeting tomorrow! Look you don't want the Thetans to eat
    your soul do you?

    2) When you date as many prostitutes, strippers, and
    junkies as I do it's nice to finally be going out with a classy
    woman like you!

    1) That Big Mac and fries cost $5.24. That means when
    we go to my place later you owe me $5.24 worth of
    poontang.
    New rig
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  10. #290
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    Marylou
    =======

    Boudreaux was sitting quietly eating cracklin when his wife
    snuck up behind him and hit him on the head with an iron skillet. Why
    you do dat, huh!!?" screamed Boudreaux.

    "Dat's for dat piece of paper in you pocket with the name
    "Marylou" wrote on it," she replied.

    Boudreaux explained, "Two weeks ago when I went to dat track,
    Marylou she was the horse wot I bet on!" Ms. Boudreaux seemed satisfied
    and remorseful, apologized, and went off to work around the house.

    Three days later he was again sitting in his chair eating
    boudin this time. "SMACK"! Ms. Boudreaux nailed him with a gumbo pot,
    knocking him out cold. When Boudreax came to, he said, "Wot the hell
    was dat for?"

    "Your horse is on the phone."
    New rig
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