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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #21
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    A priest took a walk to the pier down by the lake.
    A fisherman asked him if he would like to join him in his boat.
    The priest agreed and they rowed out to the middle of the lake.
    The priest threw in a line and in no time hooked a huge fish.
    "Whoa," said the fisherman, "look at that f*cker!".
    "Please do not swear", said the priest.
    The fisherman thought quickly and said that the fish was in actual fact called a f*cker fish.
    "Oh" said the priest, "I'm sorry, I didn't know that".
    When they reached the shore, the priest took his large fish to show the bishop.
    "Look at this f*cker", said the priest and the bishop frowned.
    "It's alright", said the priest, "that's what the fish is called".
    "Well", replied the bishop, "in that case, I'll clean the f*cker and we can have it for dinner tonight".
    The bishop then cleaned the fish and brought it to the Mother Superior.
    "Sister", said the bishop, "could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?"
    "Goodness", exclaimed the Mother Superior, "such foul language".
    "No sister", he explained, "the fish is called a f*cker. Can you cook it?"
    "Yes", replied the sister, "I'll cook the f*cker tonight".
    Later that evening the Pope dropped by for dinner and after dinner asked where they had gotten the fish.
    "I caught the f*cker", said the priest proudly.
    "I cleaned the f*cker", said the bishop.
    "And I cooked the big f*cker", beamed the Mother Superior.
    After hearing this the Pope paused for a moment, fixing them with a steely gaze and then let out a huge fart, took off his hat, put his feet on the table, lit up a fat cigar, poured himself a large whisky and said, "You know what, you c*nts are alright!!!"

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  2. #22
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    Why can't you watch Television in Afganistan?


    Because of the Taliban.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA GET IT, TELLY BAN. TALI IS LIKE TELLY. HAHAHAHJAHAHA, OH, You're not laughing :(

  3. #23
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    "Computer Error"

    Judy was having trouble with her computer. So she
    called Tony, the computer guy, over to her desk. Tony
    clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As
    he was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what
    was wrong?"

    And he replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."

    A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy's face. "An ID
    Ten T Error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

    He gave her a grin... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID
    Ten T Error before?"

    "No," replied Judy.

    "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

    (She wrote...) I D 1 0 T
    The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

  4. #24
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    A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of
    milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, and a package of bacon.
    As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk
    standing behind her watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.
    The drunk said, "You must be single." The woman, a bit startled, looked at her the four items on the belt, and
    seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said,"Well,
    y'know, that's right. But how in earth did you know that?" The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n ****
    The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

  5. #25
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    Four surgeons
    =============

    Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

    The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.
    Everything inside is numbered."

    "I think librarians are the easiest," said the second surgeon. "When you
    open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered."

    The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their
    organs are color coded."

    The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless,
    spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangeable."

  6. #26
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    There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.
    After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give
    him a chance to shine again.

    The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has
    only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a
    rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb,
    sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of
    my mistress.'"

    The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play, he's practicing
    his
    line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went
    up, the
    actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the
    line,
    "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

    The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter but the
    director was steaming!

    "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
    The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

    "No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

  7. #27
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    You Might Be A Redneck Geek

    If you would describe your family tree as being
    recursive, you might be a redneck geek.

    If your pickup truck can find its way home by
    itself while you are passed-out-drunk, you might
    be a redneck geek.

    If your CD-ROM tray has a beer can in it, you
    might be a redneck geek.

    If you bought cigarettes over the internet when
    you were 10 years old, you might be a redneck
    geek.

    If you finally do the laundry and find a Commodore
    64, you might be a redneck geek.

    If you have mpegs of your sister in the shower,
    you might be a redneck geek.

    If your trailer home can talk, you might be a
    redneck geek.

    If you built your laser gun sight from scratch,
    you might be a redneck geek.

    If you've ever used circuit components as fishing
    lures, you might be a redneck geek.

    If you've calculated the flux of grain entering
    a combine, you might be a redneck geek.

    If decapitating a chicken makes you think "random
    walk", you might be a redneck geek.

    If you joined the local Garth Brooks fan club to
    increase your odds of getting a date, you might
    be a redneck geek.

    If all of your pants are L3\/I2 jeans, you might
    be a redneck geek.

    If your VCR has been broken for five years, yet
    still displays the correct time, you might be a
    redneck geek.
    The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

  8. #28
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    Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.
    By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth.
    One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.
    This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
    "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry.
    I didn't mean to hurt you.
    I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going.
    In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
    "It's quite OK," replied the snake, "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
    "Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny.
    So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
    "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement.
    Then the bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."
    So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either an accountant, or possibly someone in senior management."

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  9. #29
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    Harry had a bit of a drinking problem. Every night,
    after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole.
    He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home,
    well inebriated, around midnight each night. He
    always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole,
    and getting the door opened.

    His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door
    and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and
    scream at him, for his constant nights out and coming
    home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his
    nightly routine.

    One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her
    husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by
    it all. The friend listened to her and then said,

    "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he
    comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you
    give him some loving words and welcome him home with
    a kiss? He then might change his ways."

    The wife thought it was worth trying.

    That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And,
    about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.
    His wife heard him at the door, quickly went to it,
    opened the door and let Harry in.

    This time, instead of berating him, as she had always
    done, she took his arm and led him into the living room.
    She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on
    the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went
    behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a
    while, she said to him,

    "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs
    to bed now, don't you?"

    At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state,

    "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I
    get home anyway!"

  10. #30
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    15 Grocery Store Pick-Up Lines
    ==============================

    15> "I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could
    check you out all day long!"

    14> "Is it really cold in frozen foods, or are you just happy
    to see me?"

    13> "May I use those melons for my Fruit of the Loom salad?"

    12> "How about a little roll in the Bakery Department?"

    11> "What a coincidence! You've got butter in your cart, and
    I've got a copy of 'Last Tango in Paris' at home!"

    10> "How much of this caviar do you think I can get into the
    trunk of my Ferrari?"

    9> "I've got some meat here that's 'Best if used by tonight.'"

    8> "Price check for mixed roasted nuts on aisle 69!"

    7> "You know, it ain't often that I see a lady buying pork rinds,
    and when I see a lady buying pork rinds, I says to myself,
    'This is one chick I *got* to get to know better.'"

    6> "What a small world! I belong to the Safeway Club, too!"

    5> "So how would you like to become a stock *man*?"

    4> "Pssst! My piggly is wiggly."

    3> "Are we in the laxatives aisle? 'Cause the thought of
    hooking up with you is running though my mind like crazy."

    2> "Clean up in Aisle BVD!"


    and Number 1 Grocery Store Pick-Up Line...




    1> "Baby, you better get out of that express lane, 'cause
    you're all that *and* a bag of chips."

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