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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #291
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    <center>Diein'.</center>

    The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and you can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."

    O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.

    To his son, who had been waiting, O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

    After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

    After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad. I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

    O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

    <center>:cheers:</center>

  2. #292
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    A Man wants to open an account

    A rather scruffy-looking man came into a bank. Reaching the head of the line, he said to the teller, "I wanna open a f**king checking account." "Certainly, sir," answered the teller, "but there's no need to use that kind of language."

    "Couldja move it along lady? I just wanna open a f**king checking account," growled the would-be customer. "I'll be glad to be of service, sir," said the teller, flushing slightly, "but I would appreciate not being spoken to in that way."

    "Just lemme open a f**king checking account, okay?" "I'm afraid I'm going to have to speak to the branch manager," said the pissed-off teller, slipping off her stool and returning shortly with a dapper middle-aged man who asked how he could be of service.

    "I just won the ten-million dollar lottery, buddy," snarled the man, "and all I wanna do is open a f**king checking account."

    "I see," said the manager sympathetically. "And this ***** is giving you trouble?"

  3. #293
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    I'll give u 9.5 for that one :thumb:
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  4. #294
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    <center>Royal Wedding</center>

    On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.
    Panic struck. Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from own her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day.

    Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Sophie's feet were in agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

    The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected: grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight."

    "There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin."

    Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. "All right. Now for the other one," followed by more grunting and straining.

    At last Edward said. "My God. That was even tighter."

    "That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."

    <center>:cheers:</center>

  5. #295
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    Customer: (to bartender) My wife and I just got into a knock down, drag out fight! Bartender: What happened? Customer: When it was all over, she came crawling to me on her hands and knees! Bartender: Wow! What did she say? Customer: She said, "come out from under that bed right now you coward or I'll kick your butt again!!"

  6. #296
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    For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating marriage
    under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for marriage...

    TWO YEAR DEGREE
    A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should
    be interested in: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six mini-mesters,
    you, too, can be a real man as well as earn a MA degree (Male Arts). Please
    take a moment to look over the program outline.

    FIRST YEAR
    Autumn Schedule:
    MEN 101: Combating Stupidity
    MEN 102: You, Too, Can Do Housework
    MEN 103: PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
    MEN 104: We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

    Winter Schedule:
    MEN 110: Wonderful Laundry Techniques
    MEN 111: Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
    MEN 112: Parenting: It Doesn?t End with Conception
    EAT 100: Get a Life, Learn to Cook
    EAT 101: Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
    ECON 001A: What?s Hers is Hers

    Spring Schedule:
    MEN 120: How NOT to Act Like a Butt face When You?re Wrong
    MEN 121: Understanding Your Incompetence
    MEN 122: YOU, the Weaker Sex
    MEN 123: Reasons to Give Flowers
    ECON 001C: What Was Yours is Hers

    SECOND YEAR
    Autumn Schedule:
    SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep without It
    SEX 102: Morning Dilemma: If It?s Awake, Take a Shower
    SEX 103: How to Stay Awake After Sex
    MEN 201: How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

    (Elective)
    (See Electives Below)
    Winter Schedule:
    MEN 210: The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
    MEN 211: How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
    MEN 212: You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
    MEN 213: Honest, You Don?t Look Like Tom Cruise
    MEN 230A: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

    Spring Schedule:
    MEN 220: Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
    MEN 221: Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
    MEN 222: Real Men Ask for Directions
    MEN 223: Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
    MEN 230B: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

    Course Electives:
    EAT 101: Cooking with Tofu
    EAT 102: Utilization of Eating Utensils
    EAT 103: Burping and Belching Discreetly
    MEN 231: Mothers-in-law
    MEN 232: Appear to Be Listening
    MEN 233: Just Say ?Yes, Dear?
    ECON 001C: Cheaper to Keep Her
    The older I get...the better I was

  7. #297
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    Can i sign Wiggo up for a few of those courses:?: I have got him trained on a couple but he probably could do with refresher courses on all of them :kay:

  8. #298
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    Go Ronald!!!!

  9. #299
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    Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address.
    Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil...in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."
    Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.
    "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Hafez Assad.
    "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."
    THE AXIS PANDEMIC International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.
    Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.
    With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick. "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.
    While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.
    Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

  10. #300
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    A lady who was speeding had an officer pulled her to the side of the road.
    She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly
    slipped it on before the officer got to her window.

    After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are
    wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"

    "Yes, I do, officer," she replied.

    "Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through
    your steering wheel?"
    New rig
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