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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #301
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    Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a
    Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten year old son in
    the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and
    order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

    The boy began his commentary as his parents put their
    plan into operation.
    "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he
    said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few minutes passed.

    "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out,
    "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

    Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" The
    startled father asked.

    "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,"
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  2. #302
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    A cucumber.

    A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a
    carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

    "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

    The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

    - -

    Pain.

    A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

    "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

    "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

    "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

    The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,
    "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled,

    "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe,

    "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

    The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his
    diagnosis,
    "You have a broken finger."
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  3. #303
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    Bandaged.

    A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The
    boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

    He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh!
    I accidentally answered the iron."

    The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your
    other ear?"
    He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"
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  4. #304
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    Plumber.

    A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived,
    unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and
    handed the doctor a bill for $600.

    The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as
    a doctor!"

    The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."


    - -

    Play doctor.

    The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play
    doctor."
    "Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
    "Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance
    company"

    - -

    Shingles.

    A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what
    he had.
    He said, "Shingles."

    So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him
    to have a seat.
    A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.

    He said, "Shingles."

    So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told
    him to wait in the examining room.
    Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.

    He said, "Shingles."

    So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram,
    told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
    Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.

    He said, "Shingles."

    The doctor said, "Where?"
    He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
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  5. #305
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    McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after
    martini, each time removing the olives and placing
    them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives
    and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to
    leave.

    "S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over
    what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

    "Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me
    out for a jar of olives!"
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  6. #306
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    Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an
    emergency:

    "Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.

    "My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

    "Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within
    their power to help you," replied the President.

    "I do need your help" said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000
    condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
    "Why certainly! I'll get right onit,"said Bush.
    "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin. "Yes?"
    "Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in
    diameter?" said Putin.

    "No problem," replied the President.

    Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those
    stupid Americans will fall for anything.

    George hung up and called the President of a condom company. "I need a
    favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."
    "Consider it done," said the president of the condom company.
    "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
    "Easily done. Anything else?"

    "Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each
    one!"
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  7. #307
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    lol good one ws :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
    ummmmmmm i cant think of one :)

  8. #308
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    Why oh why did God lump me with two half brothers with no sense of humour when Wiggo got a joke-telling sister? :?:

    I want a sister like that :cry:
    What came first - Insanity or Society?

  9. #309
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    Ohhhh, I'll be your sister if you want me to be, Al :D
    Come here and I'll give you a sisterly hug :bounce2:
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  10. #310
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    I gave my cat a hug..... now I feel better : peace2:
    What came first - Insanity or Society?

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