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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #311
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    Pick-up lines heard round the world and what you could say back to
    them

    I know how to please a woman.
    Then please leave me alone.

    I want to give myself to you.
    Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

    May I see you pretty soon?
    Don't you think I'm pretty now?

    Your hair color is fabulous.
    Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.

    You look like a dream.
    Go back to sleep.

    I can tell that you want me.
    Yes, I want you to leave.

    Hey, baby, what's your sign?
    Do not enter. or Stop.

    I'd go through anything for you.
    Let's start with your bank account.

    May I have the last dance?
    You've just had it.

    I would go to the end of the world for you.
    Yes, but would you stay there?

    Your place or mine?
    Both. You go to your place, and I'll go to mine.

    Your body is like a temple.
    Sorry, there are no services today.

    Is this seat empty?
    Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

    What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
    What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?

    Haven't I seen you someplace before?
    Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

    If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
    If I could see you naked, I'd die laughing.

  2. #312
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    <center>Old Sex.</center>

    An elderly couple are enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern.
    The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
    We went behind this tavern where you leaned
    against the fence and I made love to you."
    "Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
    "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we
    can do it for old time's sake."
    "Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
    There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all
    this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see
    this...two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an
    eye on them so there's no trouble."
    So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each
    other for support, aided by a walking sticks. Finally they get to
    the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
    The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old
    man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the
    fence, the old man moves in.
    Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching
    policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like
    eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's
    yelling, "Ohhhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.
    This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
    Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is
    amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he
    didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and
    wonders whether they still have sex like this.
    After about half and hour of lying on the ground recovering, the
    old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
    The policeman, still watching thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he
    was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.'
    As the couple pass, he says to them "That was something else, you
    must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you
    manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there
    some sort of secret?"
    "No, there's no secret," the old man says, "except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."

    <center>:cheers:</center>

  3. #313
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    Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his ***** into the pickle slicer.

    His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill declined saying that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

    One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

    'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
    Bill said, 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my ***** into the pickle slicer?'

    'Oh Bill, you didn't,' she said.
    'Yes, I did,' said Bill.

    'My God, Bill, what happened?'

    'I got fired.'

    'No, Bill, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?'

    'Oh, she got fired too.'




    :flames:

  4. #314
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    Jane was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the stunningly attractive gentleman who was reading on the sunbed beside hers.


    "Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"


    "Yes, I do," he responded, and then returned to his book.


    Jane persisted. "Do you like gardening?"


    The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.


    Undaunted, Jane asked. "Do you like *****cats?"

    With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Jane, pumping her as she'd never been pumped before. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Jane dragged herself back to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?!!"

    The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

    :flames: :frog: :devil win

  5. #315
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    A father approached his 14 year old son and asks him what he wants most for his birthday.

    The son replies, "I want to get laid Dad."

    The father says, "You are still a bit young for that." He takes him out to the backyard and shows him a tree with a knot hole in it. "Practice on this and we'll see next year," says the father.

    The next year the father asks the same question and gets the same reply. The father tells the son to practice on the knot hole for another year.

    On his 16th birthday the son says, "Enough with the knot hole already, I am ready for a woman!"

    The father agrees and takes the son into town to the local cathouse. He tells the madam, "One for me and one for my son."

    The madam replies "You go up the stairs and turn left, your son goes up the stairs and turns right."

    At the top of the stairs the father pauses to wish the son good luck and then goes into the room with the *****.

    All of a sudden he hears terrible screaming coming from the room where his son went. He runs over and bursts into the room. There he sees his son shoving a broomstick in and out of the ***** while she is screaming at the top of her lungs.

    "What the **** are you doing son?" yells the father.

    "Checking for squirrels Dad" replies the son.
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  6. #316
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    A man and a woman are riding next to each other in the first class carriage of a train. The man sneezes, pulls out his ***** and wipes the tip.

    The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.

    A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again and again he pulls out his ***** and wipes the tip.

    The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few more minutes pass and the man sneezes again. He again takes his ***** out and wipes the tip.

    The woman has finally had enough.

    She turns to the man and says, 'Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your ***** from your pants to wipe it. What kind of degenerate are you?'

    The man replies, 'I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition that means when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.'

    The woman, now feeling badly, says, 'Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?'

    The man looks at her and says, 'Pepper.'




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  7. #317
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    A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill.

    The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer.

    The father who was an irishman, turned to his son and said "son, even on this gloomy day, its our tradition to drink to health as it is in death; so let's go to the pub and celebrate my demise."

    Reluctantly, the son follows his father to the local pub. There, while enjoying their ale, the father sees some old friends and tells them he is dying from AIDS.

    Shocked, the son turns to his father and says, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from it is cancer, why did you lie to those men?"

    The father reply's "Aye, my son, you are right; but I dont want those guys sleeping with your mom when I'm gone."



    :laugh:
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  8. #318
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    A couple went golfing one day at a very, very exclusive course lined with million-dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, 'Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows it'll cost us a fortune to repair.'

    Of course, she teed off and promptly shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

    The husband cringed. 'I warned you to watch out. Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost.'

    They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

    When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch said, 'Are you the people that broke the window?'

    'Uh yeah, we're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

    '0H!, no apology is necessary.

    Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

    'Now that you've released me I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself.'

    'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

    'No problem, it's the least I can do. And you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie said looking at the wife.

    'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world,' she said.

    'Consider it done,' the genie said.

    'And what's your wish, genie?' they asked in unison.

    'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife.'

    The husband looked at his wife and said,
    'Gee, honey, you know we now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

    She mulled it over for a few moments and said,
    'Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind.'

    The genie took the woman upstairs and ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both had been satisfied repeatedly, and as the genie rolled over he looked at the wife and asked, 'How old is your husband?'

    'He's 35,' she responded breathlessly.

    'No ****! Thirty-five years old and that idiot still believes in genies?'


    :bounce2:
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  9. #319
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    This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved enough money, so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks up the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust.

    The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

    After a couple of months he meets a lady and she asks him to take her home to meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents' house.

    Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

    After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to speak and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long 15 minutes the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses the girl in front of her family. No one says a word.

    Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. No one says a word.

    By now he is thinking of what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

    And the father shouts, 'Okay damn it, I'll do the dishes.'


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  10. #320
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    LOL!!! that last one is the best one I've read for awhile
    New rig
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    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
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    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

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