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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #341
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    A man and a woman got in an elevator at the same time one day. The man
    asked the woman which floor she wanted.

    "Second floor", she said, "They're paying 25 dollars a pint at the
    blood bank".

    The man replied, "I'm going to the fourth. They pay 200 dollars an
    ounce at the sperm bank".

    A week later the man and woman both got on the same elevator again.
    The man, recognizing the woman asked, "Second floor?".

    With her mouth closed and her cheeks puffed out, she just shook her
    head and held up four fingers.
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  2. #342
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    Two cannibals, Handible and Elbob meet one day. Handible said, "You know, I just can't seem to
    get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, stewed them, I've barbecued them,
    I've tried every sort of marinade. Just can't seem to get them tender."

    Elbob asked, "What kind of Missionary do you use?" "Oh, you know, the ones that hang out at that
    place at the bend in the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and
    they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

    "Aha!" the Elbob exclaimed, "No wonder! Those are fryers!"

  3. #343
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    A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."

    The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

    The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

    The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"

    And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!

  4. #344
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    *File Description: Girlspeak To English Dictionary*

    She says English
    --------- -------
    You want ... You want
    We need ... I want
    It's your decision ... The correct decision should be obvious by now ...
    Do what you want ... You'll pay for this later
    We need to talk... I need to complain
    Sure...go ahead ... I don't want you to.
    I'm not upset ... Of course I'm upset, you moron.
    You're...so manly ... You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
    You're certainly attentive
    tonight.... Is sex all you ever think about?
    I'm not emotional! ... And I'm not I'm on my period.

    overreacting!

    Be romantic, turn out the lights. ... I have flabby thighs.
    This kitchen is so inconvenient. ... I want a new house.
    I want new curtains and carpeting, furniture,
    wallpaper...
    Hang the picture there ... No, I mean hang it there!
    I heard a noise ... I noticed you were almost asleep.
    Do you love me? ... I'm going to ask for something expensive.
    How much do you love me? ... I did something today you're really not going to like..
    I'll be ready in a minute. ... Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

    Is my butt fat? ... Tell me I'm beautiful.
    You have to learn to communicate. ... Just agree with me.
    Are you listening to me!? ... [Too late, your dead.]
    Yes ... No
    No ... No
    Maybe ... No
    I'm sorry. ... You'll be sorry.
    Do you like this recipe? ... It's easy to fix, so you'd better get get used to it.
    I'm not yelling! ... Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

    In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

    The same old thing.... Nothing.
    Nothing. ... Everything.
    Everything.... My PMS is acting up.
    Nothing, really.... It's just that you're such an *******.
    I don't want to talk about it.... Go away, I'm still building up evidence against you.

  5. #345
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    There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday
    and announced to his congregation:
    "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have
    enough money to pay for our new building program.
    The bad news is,it's still out there in your pockets."

    ----

    While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
    The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because
    attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign..."Energy
    efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

    ----

    A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and
    girls, what do we know about God?"
    A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
    "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
    "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

    ----

    A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long
    holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead
    of him in front of the service station.

    Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said
    the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until
    the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

    The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
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  6. #346
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    People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center
    of attention.

    ----

    "Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the world
    -- there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord,"
    and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's
    morning."

    ----

    A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he
    was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note
    under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 imes.
    If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."

    When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this
    note.
    "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll
    lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

    ----

    A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what
    the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you
    'know' what the Bible means?"

    The son replied, "I do know!"

    "Okay, said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"

    "That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"

    ----

    Sunday after church a mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was
    about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."

    Needless to say, the mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped
    by for tea and the mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson
    was about.

    He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming".

    ----

    There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her
    brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable
    in here?" asked the postal clerk.

    "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
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  7. #347
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    <center>EXPOSURE</center>

    A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
    A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
    She says, "Why, officer?"
    "Because your breast is hanging out."
    She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  8. #348
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    A man walked into an appliance store and asked the price of a 25" remote controlled color television set. "One dollar," the clerk replied. "You've got to be kidding." "Look, Mac," the clerk said, "do you want it or not?" Of course, the customer gave him a dollar. On the way out with his incredible bargain, the suctomer saw a big frost-free refrigerator with automatic ice maker. "How much for that?" he asked the clerk. "Fifty cents," came the reply. The customer forked over the half dollar, saying, "What the heck is going on here?" "Nothing is goining on ehre," the clerk snapped. "But my boss is at my house with my wife. And what he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business."

  9. #349
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    A very vain and bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

    "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate." Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

    The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

    "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part." Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

    Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:

    "Dear Sir, Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your posterior and go as a caramel apple." Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.


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  10. #350
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    Signs You've Got a Bad Pilot

    10.You overhear him say on the intercom "Hey, Carlos, What's this gizmo do?"
    9. For the past three hours, you've been going straight up
    8. He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 50 feet"
    7. Co-pilot is sitting on his lap
    6. When you take off he yells, "YIPPEEDEEDOODAH!"
    5. At some point he announces, "Screw Antlanta, Let's go find that Mars observer!"
    4. He's wearing a Taco Bell uniform
    3. Over P.A. you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh"
    2. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove your cab to the airport
    1. Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy"
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