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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #31
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    Havin' A Bad Day?

    The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:

    You're a Siamese twin.
    Your brother is gay and you're not.
    You only have the one arse.

    Feel better?

    <center></center>

  2. #32
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    Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, the other is four.
    The nine year old grabs a box of Tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

    The cashier asks, "Oh these must be for your Mom, huh?"

    The nine year old shakes his head and replies, "Nope, not for my Mom."

    "Nope not for my sister either." Cashier, curious now; "If they're not for your Mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"

    The nine year old says. "They're for my four year old brother."

    Surprised, the cashier asks, "Your little brother right here??"
    The nine year old explains; "Well, yeah! They say on TV that if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike.
    And my little brother can't do either."
    The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

  3. #33
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    Saw this on the optusnet.general newsgroup, sure made me laugh!!! :D



    Q: What's the definition of bad luck?

    A: Sitting in Afghanistan holding your return ticket with Ansett, your travel insurance through HIH, trying to call out on your One.Tel mobile and the only transport you can afford is a dodgy boat trip via Indonesia...
    What came first - Insanity or Society?

  4. #34
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    :thumb: I'll pay that one Al

  5. #35
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    Mary hears the car drive up, then a clatter as it hits the
    garbage cans. Car door slams, some cussing, then the
    garage door opens, slams. Suddenly more crashing and
    clattering and cussing, then John comes into the house with
    his golf clubs, scowling and cussing.

    "What's the matter, Dear? Did you have as bad day on the
    golf course?" asked Mary.

    "Ya, what a rotten day! What a rotten round of golf! Why I
    only hit two good balls all day, and I wouldn't have hit them if
    I hadn't stepped on the rake in the garage!"

  6. #36
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    One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly
    rowdy bar for possible DUI's.

    At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip
    on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he
    found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with
    his keys for several minutes.

    Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his
    engine and began to pull away.

    The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the
    driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser
    test. The results showed a reading of 0.0.

    The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

    The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

  7. #37
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    Why Santa Claus must be a woman!
    Men don't know how to pack a bag.

    Most men wouldn't be caught dead wearing red velvet.

    Men don't even think about selecting gifts until after lunch on Christmas Eve.

    Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

    If Santa were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and Chia Pets, still in the bag from the mall.

    If Santa were a man he would have no reindeer, because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped across the front of the sleigh. And Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

    And if he did find some way to power the sleigh, he'd never get to everyone's house because he would get lost up there in the snow and never stop to ask for directions.

    Men would feel their masculinity is threatened by having to be seen with all those elves.

    Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."

    Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up chicks.
    The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

  8. #38
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    A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an
    hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her.
    Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.

    When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles
    following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she
    looked around, there were three cops following her.

    Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She
    screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten
    minutes later, she innocently walked out.

    The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Without
    batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you
    thought I would make it."

  9. #39
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    WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED . . .

    A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of
    bed in the middle of the night.
    5% said it was to get a glass of water,
    12% said it was to go the toilet,
    83% said it was to go home.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
    A MAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST...

    He's sitting at the table and his son is on the cover of the box of
    Wheaties.
    His mistress is on the cover of Playboy.
    And his wife is on the back of the milk carton.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

    My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This
    will make you happy tonight!" He was right. When he went out of
    the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't
    get back in.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

    It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped
    out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would
    think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you
    for your money," she replied.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

    A couple are lying in bed. The man says: "I am going to make you the
    happiest woman in the world" The woman says : "I will surely miss you."

  10. #40
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    Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odour.

    "Do you wash?" the doctor asked the smelly young girl.

    "Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my
    head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at
    my feet and I wash up as far as possible."

    "Well," the doctor concluded, "Go home and wash
    'possible'!!!"

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