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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #391
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    Haahaahaaaa
    Get that up ya Texan
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  2. #392
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    <center>Dogs at the Vet.</center>

    The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, "So why are you here?"

    The Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything,the sofa, the cat,the kid. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

    The Doberman says, "So what is the vet going to do?"

    "Lethal injection" came the reply from the sad Boxer.

    The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are you here?"

    The Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's new couch."

    "So what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquired.

    "Lethal injection," the dejected Labrador said.

    The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's at the vet's office for.

    "I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

    The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and say, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?"

    "No, no," the Doberman says, "I'm here to get my nails clipped."

    <center>:cheers:</center>

  3. #393
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    Bumper Stickers for Women
    =========================

    SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

    GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

    COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST
    BETTER RICH.

    DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE
    QUEEN.

    I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN.

    WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

    OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE
    FIRST TIME.

    DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

    ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

    I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO
    BAD PEOPLE.

    HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

    DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE
    THE BODIES.

    IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
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  4. #394
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    Pills
    =====
    An old man strode in to his doctors office and said,
    "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my
    prescription and to check the prescription you've
    been giving to Mrs. Smith."

    "Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And
    since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's
    orders?"

    The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on
    birth control pills since December."
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  5. #395
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    <center>AT LEAST ONE OF THESE SHOULD OFFEND ALMOST EVERYONE</center>

    What do you call a smart blonde?
    -- A golden retriever.

    What do attorneys use for birth control?
    -- Their personalities.

    What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
    -- 45 lbs.

    What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    -- 45 minutes.

    How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
    -- None, they just sit there in the dark and *****.

    What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
    -- Through his chest with a sharp knife.

    Why do men want to marry virgins?
    -- They can't stand criticism.

    Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
    -- Because those men already have boyfriends.

    What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
    -- After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

    What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
    -- The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

    Why does the bride always wear white?
    -- Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

    A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
    Who has the biggest boobs?
    -- The blonde, because she's 18.

    Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
    -- Because they have cotton balls.

    What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
    -- A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

    What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
    -- "Are you sure it's mine?"

    What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
    -- Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

    Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
    -- Mace will do that to you.

    Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
    -- Everyone has the same DNA.

    What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
    -- A speech impediment.

    Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    -- Breasts don't have eyes.

    Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
    -- He walks around saying "Yo."

    Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
    -- Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

    What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?
    -- A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe.

    What's the Cuban National Anthem?
    -- Row row row your boat.

    What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
    -- A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t."
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  6. #396
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    Our first Blonde GUY joke ...
    =========================

    An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing
    construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of
    a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman
    said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef
    and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump
    off this building."

    The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,
    "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm
    going to jump off, too."

    The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again.
    If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping
    too."

    The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw
    corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The
    Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped
    too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the
    bologna and jumped to his death as well.

    At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She
    said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned
    beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him
    again!"

    The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could
    have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize
    he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and
    stared at the blonde's wife.

    "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his
    own lunch."
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  7. #397
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    Foot Fetish
    ===========

    The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end
    of the evening as they were beginning to undress each
    other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go
    any further, Charmaine, tell me - do you have any special
    fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"

    "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to
    have a foot fetish - but I suppose I'd settle for maybe
    seven or eight inches."
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  8. #398
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    Three convicts
    ==============

    Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to
    take one item with them to help them occupy their time while
    incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what
    did you bring?"

    The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he
    intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma
    Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

    The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I
    brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of
    games."

    The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The
    other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you
    bring?"

    The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought
    these."

    The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

    He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the
    box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
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  9. #399
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wiggo's-sister
    Haahaahaaaa
    Get that up ya Texan
    :p
    Chris "Raven"
    News Crew - TweakTown
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    How to ask a good question

  10. #400
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    <center>Subject: ***** work</center>

    I, the *****, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

    I do physical labour

    I work at great depths

    I plunge head first into everything I do

    I do not get weekends or public holidays off

    I work in a damp environment

    I don't get paid overtime

    I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation

    I work in high temperatures

    My work exposes me to contagious diseases.


    Dear *****,


    After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

    You do not work 8 hours straight

    You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods

    You do not always follow the orders of the management team

    You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas

    You do not take initiative

    You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working

    You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift

    You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing

    You'll retire well before reaching 65

    You're unable to work double shifts

    You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work

    And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carry 2 suspicious looking bags.


    Sincerely ....The Management

    <center>:cheers:</center>

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