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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #401
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    Quote Originally Posted by Raven


    :p
    :D Sorry Raven, but it sounded good at the time

    I liked that one wiggo
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  2. #402
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    "THE SIXTEEN MOST COMMON ****S"

    1. GHOST POO: You know you've pooed. There's poo on the toilet paper but not in the toilet. Where is it ?
    2. TEFLON POO: So slick and easy you don't even feel it. No trace of poo on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.
    3. GOO POO: This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe 12 times and you still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't soil it. Permanent skid marks are left in the toilet.
    4. SECOND THOUGHTS POO: You're all done wiping and about to stand up when you realize...there's more to come.
    5. POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD POO: This is the poo that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
    6. WEIGHT WATCHERS POO: You poo so much you lose several pounds.
    7. RIGHT NOW POO: You'd better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting there, and it usually gets its head out before you can get your pants down.
    8. KING KONG POO: This one is so big you think it won't go down the toilet unless you break it down into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger usually works well. This kind of a poo usually happens at someone else's house.
    9. CORK POO: Also known as a "floater." Even after the third flush it's still there, floating in the bowl. My God! How do I get rid of it?
    10. WET CHEEKS POO: This poo hits the water sideways and makes a bigger splash than the launching of the Space Shuttle, soaking your starfish.
    11. WISH POO: You sit there all cramped up, and fart a few times, but no poo.
    12. CEMENT BLOCK POO: So large and solid you feel like it is taking your spine with it.
    13. SNAKE POO: This poo is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least 3 feet long.
    14. MORNING AFTER POO: Happens the day after the night before. Normally your poo doesn't smell that bad, but THIS one! ...Usually you're at someone else's house (the girl you're trying to impress) and they're waiting outside to use the bathroom.
    15. MEXICAN FOOD POO: Also called screamers - you know it's safe to eat again when you bum stops burning.
    16. BOO HOO POO: The one that makes you cry with pain and wonder whether you should risk the stitches or go for the fuller figure.

    AND DON'T FORGET TO WIPE YOUR ASS FOLKS!
    The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

  3. #403
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    CHINESE PROVERBS

    Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Man who run in front of car get tired.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Man who run behind car get exhausted.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Man with hand in pocket feel ****y all day.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Man with one chopstick go hungry.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

    <center>:cheers:</center>

  4. #404
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    Do you know what happens


    at


    night


    on


    your


    desk


    after


    having


    shut down


    the


    computer


    ?


    ?


    ?


    ?


    ?


    ?


    ?

  5. #405
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    <center>Sheep Shaggin'</center>

    A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits an English farmer.

    "So,English farmer,how do you shag your sheep?"

    "Well,I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

    "That's very interesting,"replies the researcher and he leaves the English farmer.Then he meets an Australian farmer.

    "So,Australian farmer,how do you shag your sheep?"

    "Well,I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

    "That's very interesting,"replies the researcher,"That's how they do it in England too."And he leaves the Australian farmer.

    Then he meets a farmer from New Zealand.

    "So,kiwi farmer,how do you shag your sheep?"

    "Well,I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and I take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders."

    "Over your shoulders?"replies the researcher,"Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?"

    "What?"says the farmer,"and miss out on all the kissing?"
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  6. #406
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    Apparently they use velcro gloves too
    *just for the extra bit of grip*;)
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  7. #407
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    <center>Married Couple</center>

    The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he woke.
    The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
    Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
    He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural.
    She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

    The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
    Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

    She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and gently pulling back the bedcovers she pulled back the elastic waistband of his shorts and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

    Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he raced to the bathroom.
    The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes.
    After all the years of torture she reckoned she had got her own back.

    About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained shorts with a look of horror on his face.
    She bit her lip as she asked what was the matter.
    He said "Honey, you were right.

    "All those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."

    "What do you mean," asked his wife.

    "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out and today it finally happened.
    But by the grace of God, with some Vaseline and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  8. #408
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    ROFLMAO, poor *******
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  9. #409
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    <center>Blonde in a Snowstorm</center>

    It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blond got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

    She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. That made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.

    As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problems with the blizzard conditions. After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll her window down.

    The driver wanted to know if she was alright as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

    The driver said that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to K-mart next.
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  10. #410
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    <center>A Blonde and a Rooster Puzzle</center>

    A blonde was trying to put together a puzzle but none of the pieces would fit together. She called her boyfriend and asked, "Can you come over? I'm trying to put this puzzle together but none of the pieces fit together."

    He replied "Well what is the puzzle suppose to look like?"

    "A rooster" she said.

    The boyfriend decided to go over, took one look at the "puzzle" and told her to put the Corn Flakes back in the box.
    <center>:cheers:</center>

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