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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #411
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    <center>A Blonde and Roadrage</center>

    A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde "Stand in the circle and DON'T MOVE!".

    He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.

    He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

    "What's so funny ?" the truck driver asked the blonde.

    She replied,"When you weren't looking I stepped outside the circle 4 times."
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  2. #412
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    <center>The Blonde Guy</center>

    An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building"

    The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

    The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

    The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

    The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

    The blond opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

    At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

    The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.

    "Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife.

    ............are you ready for it?....................

    "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  3. #413
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    <center>Great News</center>

    Steinberg and Fleisher, partners in the garment industry had just suffered through their worst season ever. Ten thousand madras sports coats were hanging on the rack unsold, and bankruptcy was looming closer.

    Out of the blue, in walked a buyer from Australia. "I say there," he began, "you boys wouldn't have any madras sports coats, would you? I've been looking for them everywhere."

    Steinberg said there MIGHT be a few left, and soon a deal was made whereby the ten thousand jackets would be shipped to Australia at a handsome profit.

    "There is one thing though," said the Australian buyer. "For an order this large, I'll have to get a confirmation from my home office. I don't anticipate any problem, and unless I send you a telegram by this Friday, the deal goes through as planned."

    Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday passed slowly, with the partners nervously waiting to see if the Australian would change his mind. Friday morning went by without incident. Steinberg and Fleisher were closing up shop when, at ten minutes to five, there was a knock on the door: ..."Telegram!"

    The partners froze. Trembling, Fleisher grabbed the telegram and opened it. Suddenly, his face lit up. "Steinberg, GREAT NEWS! Your sister died!"
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  4. #414
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    Chicken and an egg
    ==========
    A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against
    the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

    The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet and rolls over and
    says,
    "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!
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  5. #415
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    Debbie went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator
    stuck inside of her.

    "To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to
    have to perform an operation."

    "I don't think I can afford that" said Debbie. "Could you
    just replace the batteries?"
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  6. #416
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    According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
    undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of
    other woman; they say that women are too judgmental, where, of
    course, men are just grateful.
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  7. #417
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    [ WARNING RELIGIOUS HUMOR.......DON'T READ WITHOUT A SENSE OF HUMOR ]
    New Priest
    ============
    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

    After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

    The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on
    the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start
    to get nervous, I take a sip."

    So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning
    of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to
    talk up a storm.

    Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note
    on the door:

    1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
    2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
    3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
    4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
    5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
    6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
    7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
    Junior and the Spook.
    8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
    9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't
    say he was stoned off his ass.
    10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
    11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
    and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
    12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
    13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
    the grub, yeah God.
    14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's,
    not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.
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  8. #418
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    Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of
    stress. I keep losing my temper with people.

    Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

    Patient: I just did, you stupid *******!
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  9. #419
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    Old Preacher
    ============

    The old Preacher was dying, so he send for a Lawyer and an IRS agent from
    his Congregation. The Lawyer and the Agent were puzzled since neither had
    been a close Friend to the Preacher.

    As the two Men entered the dying men's room, the preacher motioned for
    them to sit on either side of his bed then he grasped their hands, sighted
    contentedly stared at the ceiling. No one said anything.Finaly the lawyer
    asked the preacher," Why the two of us to come to your deathbed?"

    "Jesus died between two Thieves,"
    the preacher answered "and that's how i wanted to go too
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  10. #420
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    A man meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook,
    and an eye patch. "How did you get the peg-leg?" the man asks.

    "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of
    sharks. A shark bit my leg off," replies the pirate.

    "Wow! What about your hook?" the man asks.

    "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with
    swords. One of them cut off my hand," replies the pirate.

    "Incredible! What happened to your eye?" asks the man.

    "A seagull **** in it," replies the pirate.
    "You lost your eye because a seagull **** in it?" the man asks,
    incredulously.

    The pirate shrugged. "Yeah, it was my first day with the hook."
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