Please report all spam threads, posts and suspicious members. We receive spam notifications and will take immediate action!
Page 43 of 157 FirstFirst ... 3341424344455393143 ... LastLast
Results 421 to 430 of 1561

Thread: Jokes.




  1. #421
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    These are real laws from around the world:

    In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with
    animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual
    relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
    (Like THAT makes sense.)


    In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a
    woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking
    directly at them during the examination. He may only
    see their reflection in a mirror.

    Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a
    corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex
    organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or
    piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

    The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is
    decapitation.

    There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to
    travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who
    pay them for the privilege of having sex for the
    first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly
    forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for
    a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world
    that even comes close to this?)

    In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed
    to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so
    with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the
    other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
    (Ah! Justice!)

    Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but
    only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

    In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with
    her husband, and the first time this happens, her
    mother must be in the room to witness the act.
    (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

    In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man
    to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same
    time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that
    they had to pass this law?)

    In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from
    vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may
    be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places
    where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on
    the premises." (Is this a great country or what? Not
    as great as Guam!)
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  2. #422
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    Elderly Couple
    ==============
    An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman
    was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway
    patrol.

    "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.

    The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked,
    "What did he say?" "He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.

    The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"

    The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?" The old man
    yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"

    The woman then gave the officer her license.

    "I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time
    there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman
    I've ever seen."

    The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"

    The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  3. #423
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    Doomed Through Stupid
    =====================

    In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
    stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

    On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." Gee that's the only
    time I have to work on my hair.)

    On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
    Details inside." (The shoplifter special)

    On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that
    would be how ...?)

    On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But its
    "just" a suggestion)

    On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside
    down."
    (Too late!)

    On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
    (As night follows day . . .)

    On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
    (But wouldn't this save me more time?)

    On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate
    machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to
    reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get
    those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

    On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.)

    On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As
    opposed to what?)

    On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta
    admit, I'm curious.)

    On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news
    flash.)

    On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat
    nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta.)

    On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable
    you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)

    On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
    or genitals." (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere? My God!)

    Now that you've laughed your head off it's your turn to spread the
    stupidity and send this to someone you want to have a good
    laugh...in other words send it to everyone. We all need a good
    smile every once in a while.
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  4. #424
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops. One man he
    passed sported an enormous erection.

    "Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days
    compassionate home leave."

    "Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.

    A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.
    "Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate
    home leave," the Colonel barked.

    A few months later, same guy, same problem. The Colonel is
    angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two
    compassionate home leaves?"

    "Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.

    "Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.

    The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  5. #425
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    New England Highlands, Australia
    Posts
    21,905

    Default

    <center>Worker's Compensation</center>

    A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment.

    Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.

    Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation.

    Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.

    Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?

    Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.

    Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive?

    Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined.

    Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?

    Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.

    Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container.

    Trucker: Yeah, that's right. All lead.

    Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning.

    Trucker: I'm not. I'm claiming for lead poisoning.
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  6. #426
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    New England Highlands, Australia
    Posts
    21,905

    Default

    <center>I Remember That</center>

    Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
    The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

    The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

    The third old lady remarked,"I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  7. #427
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    New England Highlands, Australia
    Posts
    21,905

    Default

    <center>Photographer</center>

    A photographer from a well-known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the firefighters as they battled the blaze.

    When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved, and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport, where a plane would be waiting for him.

    He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.

    He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!"

    The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.

    The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."

    "Why?" asked the pilot.

    "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."

    The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  8. #428
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    New England Highlands, Australia
    Posts
    21,905

    Default

    <center>Sniffer Dog</center>

    A man is sitting in a plane which is about to takeoff when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside.

    The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

    The airline rep said "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."

    The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog "Rover, search."

    The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy."

    He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

    "Fantastic!" replies the first man.

    Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm.

    The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number."

    "I like it!" says the first man.

    Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. Rover goes up and down the plane aisle and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and craps all over the place.

    The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What the bloody hell is going on?"

    The handler nervously replies "He just found a bomb!
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  9. #429
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    New England Highlands, Australia
    Posts
    21,905

    Default

    <center>Therapist</center>

    A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapists office.

    The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

    The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

    When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $32.

    This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

    Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

    The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32, and I get $28 back from Medicare.
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  10. #430
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    New England Highlands, Australia
    Posts
    21,905

    Default

    <center>12 Step Web Addicts Recovery Program</center>

    <li>I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

    <li>I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

    <li>I will get dressed before noon.

    <li>I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

    <li>I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

    <li>I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

    <li>I will read a book...if I still remember how.

    <li>I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

    <li>I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

    <li>I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

    <li>I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

    <li>Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

    <center>:cheers:</center>

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •