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Thread: Jokes.

  1. #431
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    New England Highlands, Australia


    <center>Bad Neighbours</center>

    A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

    Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"

    The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?"

    "$7.98." said the butcher.

    A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.
    Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150

  2. #432
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    New England Highlands, Australia


    <center>What's The Angle</center>

    A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

    Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?'

    'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'

  3. #433
    Join Date
    Nov 2001


    Why it's great to be a man!

    30- Your a** is never a factor in a job interview.
    29- Your orgasms are real. Always.
    28- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
    27- You can be president.
    26- You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
    25- You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
    24- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
    23- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
    22- You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just to icky.
    21- Same work... more pay.
    20- Wrinkles add character.
    19- You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
    18- Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
    17- People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
    16- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
    15- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
    14- Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
    13- Your socks are not attached to your underpants.
    12- Your phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
    11- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
    10- You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
    9- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
    8- If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
    7- Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
    6- If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
    5- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
    4- You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me."
    3- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
    2- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
    1- Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
    <!-- Begin Code Amber Ticker code. -->
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  4. #434
    Join Date
    Nov 2001


    Quote Originally Posted by Wiggo
    <center>12 Step Web Addicts Recovery Program</center>

    <li>I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

    <li>I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

    <li>I will get dressed before noon.

    <li>I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

    <li>I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

    <li>I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

    <li>I will read a book...if I still remember how.

    <li>I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

    <li>I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

    <li>I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

    <li>I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

    <li>Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

    Don't think I can do all that :cry: Too much time away from the comp

  5. #435
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Here.....of course!



    An Eskimo has his snowmobile breakdown while riding
    past a small town in Alaska. He takes it to the repair
    shop and is told to come back in about an hour.

    When he come back, the mechanic say "It looks like
    you have blown a seal"

    The Eskimo says "No, that's just a little frost on my
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52

  6. #436
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    New England Highlands, Australia


    <center>A Beer</center>

    A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

    The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

    Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

    She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

    He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

    The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."

    The man sighs and says, "It's started . . "

  7. #437
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    New England Highlands, Australia


    <center>Area 51</center>

    You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.

    They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

    By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

    The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane. . .only this time there were two people in the plane.

    The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night."

  8. #438
    Join Date
    Nov 2001


    A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".

    Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

    He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immedately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".

    When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your ***** is under your pillow!"

  9. #439
    Join Date
    Nov 2001



    Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.
    There would be a cure for stretch marks.
    Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
    Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
    All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
    Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
    Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
    They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
    Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
    Breifcases would be used as diaper bags.
    Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
    They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
    Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.
    Women would rule the world.

  10. #440
    Join Date
    Nov 2001



    Everyday I give thanks to God
    I was born a man instead of a broad
    When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV
    I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee
    I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
    Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on
    Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
    I use my turn signal, I understand sports

    Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
    Tell you the reason I am
    I don't go through a faze every 28 days
    Man, I'm glad I'm a man

    I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons
    Don't take a lot of friends when I go the the john
    I don't throw a fit when I break a nail
    I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale
    I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror
    I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer
    I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass
    I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass

    Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
    Tell you the reason I am
    I don't face the pain of water-weight gain
    Man, I'm glad I'm a man

    Let me tell you ladies
    Listen to me ladies
    I love those things inside of your blouse
    I love your pretty faces
    Your warm and soft embraces
    But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the house

    I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date
    I don't play with dolls unless they inflate
    When someone asks me my age, I never lie
    After sex in bed, my spot's always dry
    I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
    I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans
    I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie
    This is the same underwear I wore yesterday

    Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
    Tell you the reason I am
    I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill
    Man, I'm glad I'm a man

    Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
    Tell you the reason I am
    I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin'
    Man, I'm glad I'm a man

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