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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #461
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    Lack Of IQ
    ===========

    Jon was in his usual place, sitting at the table, reading the paper
    during breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress
    who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for
    his lack of IQ.

    He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face. "I'll
    never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

    His wife replies, "Why, thank you, dear!"
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  2. #462
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    <center>Painting Lines</center>

    A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of two miles per day to remain employed.

    The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away. The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed four miles on her first day, double the average! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."

    The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished two miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet." The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse."

    The boss pulled the new employee in and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the two-mile minimum?"

    The blonde replied "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  3. #463
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    <center>Wedding Night</center>

    A hillbilly gets married and on his wedding night he calls his father to get some tips on what to do, since he had never been with a woman before.

    So he calls up his dad and asks him, "What do I do first?"

    His dad says, "Take her clothes off and put her in bed. "

    The hillbilly calls his dad 5 minutes later and says, "She's naked and in bed what do I do now?"

    His dad says, "Take your clothes off and get in bed."

    He calls back 5 minutes later and says, "I'm naked and in bed with her what do I do now?"

    His dad's patience is now running out so he says, "Look son do I have to spell everything out? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees!"

    The hillbilly calls up 5 mins later and says, "OK Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do now?"
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  4. #464
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    <center>Babies</center>

    The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father-- a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.

    <center>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</center>

    The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive at any time. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon."

    Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the doorbell...

    Mrs. Smith: "Good morning."

    Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."

    Mrs. Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you."

    Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins."

    Mrs. Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

    Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"

    Mrs. Smith: "Please don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do."

    Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."

    Mrs. Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"

    Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out."

    Mrs. Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and I."

    Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'"

    Mrs. Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"

    Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."

    Mrs. Smith: "Don't I know it! Have you had much success at this?"

    Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London."

    Mrs. Smith: "Oh, my!!"

    Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider that their mother was so difficult to work with."

    Mrs. Smith: "She was?"

    Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

    Mrs. Smith: "Four and five deep?"

    Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By that time, darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

    Mrs. Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"

    Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store."

    Mrs. Smith: "I just can't believe it."

    Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

    Mrs. Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"

    Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Mrs. Smith?...Mrs. Smith?...My word, she's fainted!"
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  5. #465
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    AHahahahahahahahaha.....good one Wiggo!


    [Edit--->Copy]heh,heh

  6. #466
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    Pity I posted that one before :frog:

  7. #467
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    Oh, and where exactly was that dear? :?:
    :cheers:

  8. #468
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    TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:

    14. Pass My Shotgun
    13. Psychotic Mood Shift
    12. Pack My Stuff
    11. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
    10. Perpetual Munching Spree
    9. Puffy Mid-Section
    8. People Make Me Sick
    7. Provide Me with Sweets
    6. Pardon My Sobbing
    5. Pimples May Surface
    4. Pass My Sweatpants
    3. Pissy Mood Syndrome
    2. Plainly Men Suck
    And the number one thing PMS Stands for........
    Who Cares?
    I'm not in the mood to play this **** anymore!!
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  9. #469
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    <center>Camouflage Training</center>

    During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.

    "You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"

    "Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But When two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the one say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter" -- that did it."
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  10. #470
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    Hahahaha............I can relate to that PMS one :laugh:
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