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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #471
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    Yeah I thought some might. :laugh:

    <center>Cat For Sale</center>

    In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of Ming Dynasty china.

    He strolled into the store and offered five dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said Morris the proprietor.

    "Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

    "Make it twenty and it's a deal," said Morris, and pocketed the $20 on the spot.

    "For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the antique connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."

    "Nothing doing," said Morris, the deli owner, firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 32 stray cats."
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  2. #472
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    <center>Cancelled Flight</center>

    A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way up to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I have to be on this flight, and it has to be FIRST CLASS!"

    The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

    The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

    Without even hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began saying, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate, WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate, it would be most helpful...!"

    With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth and said, "**** you."

    Without flinching, she smiled and said sweetly, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have stand in line for that, too!"
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  3. #473
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    <center>Why I Fired My Secretary</center>

    Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.

    She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember."

    The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

    I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

    I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

    On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

    After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends. All were singing Happy Birthday... and there on the couch I sat... naked.
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  4. #474
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    <center>Old Man</center>

    An old man turned 96 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.

    "Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked.

    "Naw, sir, they all be my younguns," the old man replied with a sly grin.

    "Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?"

    "Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."

    "Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 19 years old."

    "That's right," said the old man with pride.

    "Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 96 and she being only 19," the reporter remarked.

    "Naw, sir, " said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my boys helps me off."

    "Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?"

    "Cause," the spry old man said with a tight fist, "I fights 'em."
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  5. #475
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    Sweater
    =======

    Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked
    how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning,
    roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course,
    meet his buddies and play a round.

    His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a
    priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

    Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the
    links.

    The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife
    such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

    Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the
    cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

    Number 3 guy says " Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading
    the manual."

    They all turn to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like
    they have lost their minds.

    "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I
    whispered in my wife's ear and said, 'Well babe, is it sex or golf?' and
    she said, 'take a sweater'."
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  6. #476
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    Not a dirty word is used
    ========================

    Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
    tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: "Is that a
    son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.

    Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker,
    you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son
    of a birch?"

    The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is
    neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
    piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!
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  7. #477
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    <center>An Elderly Lady And Her New Pet</center>

    An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble. The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed that it would be a wonderful companion.

    The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays. The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.

    She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him. Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church.

    Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!"

    Everyone turned to look at her, she ran out of the church in total embarrassment!

    All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity of remaining quiet during church. The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday.

    Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began, the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, "It's goddamned cold in here!!" And again the woman ran from the church.

    The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner.

    Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution: "If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your shoulder."

    "That'll work?" asked the woman.

    "Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner.

    So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as the sermon started the parrot squawked, "It's goddamned cold in here!!"

    Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times and placed him back on her shoulder.

    The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty farkin' windy, too!"
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  8. #478
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    <Center><small>osama wanted to blow up bush, so he sent out some antrax to kill him... but the athrax got mixed up with a tampax and blew up the wrong c*%t..</center></small>
    <Center><img src="http://www.mushycat.com/buttons/buttonBig1259.gif"><img src="http://www.mushycat.com/buttons/buttonBig0740.gif"><img src="http://www.mushycat.com/buttons/buttonBig1856.gif"><img src="http://www.mushycat.com/buttons/buttonBig1851.gif"></center>

  9. #479
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    Good one SS. :thumb:

  10. #480
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    HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY?
    =============================

    A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
    with a fly swatter.

    "What are you doing?" She asked.

    "Hunting Flies" He responded.

    "Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

    "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

    Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

    He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
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