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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #481
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    Disorder in the Court
    =====================

    These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" These are things
    people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
    by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these
    exchanges were actually taking place.

    -----------------------------------------------------

    Q: What is your date of birth?

    A: July fifteenth.

    Q: What year?

    A: Every year
    _______________________________________________

    Q: What gear were you in
    at moment of the impact?

    A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    _________________________________________________

    Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

    A: Yes.

    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    A: I forget.

    Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've
    forgotten?

    ________________________________________________

    Q: How old is your son; the one living with you?

    A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
    which.

    Q: How long has he lived with you?

    A: Forty-five years.

    __________________________________________________

    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
    up that morning?

    A: He said, "Where am I, Kathy?"

    Q: And why did that upset you?

    A: My name is Susan.
    _________________________________________

    Q: And where was the location of the accident?

    A: Approximately milepost 499.

    Q: And where is milepost 499?

    A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
    _________________________________________

    Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

    A: After the accident?

    Q: Before the accident.

    A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
    _________________________________________________

    Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
    he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    ________________________________________________

    Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old; how old is he?
    ________________________________________________

    Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    __________________________________________________

    Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?

    A: Yes.

    Q: And what were you doing at that time?
    _______________________________________________

    Q: She had three children,right?

    A: Yes.

    Q: How many were boys?

    A: None.

    Q: Were there any girls?
    _______________________________________________

    Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

    A: By death.

    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
    __________________________________________________

    Q: Can you describe the individual?

    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

    Q: Was this a male or a female?

    _________________________________________________

    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
    notice that I sent to your attorney?

    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    _______________________________________________

    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. __________________________________________

    Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

    A: Oral.
    _________________________________________________

    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
    an autopsy.
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  2. #482
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    One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, the coffin was placed in front of a huge heart made up of red flowers.

    When the pastor finished with his sermon, and after everyone said their good-byes to the deceased, the undertaker pressed a button, and the large heart opened. The coffin rolled inside and the heart closed again.

    At that moment, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.

    Irritated by his insensitivity, the guy next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, pal?"

    "I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a gynacologist."

  3. #483
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    When I found this recipe I thought it was perfect for those who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give this a try.

    Baked Stuffed Chicken

    6-7 lb chicken

    1 c melted butter

    1 c stuffing

    1 c uncooked popcorn Salt & pepper to taste Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.

    Place in baking pan in the oven. Listen for the popping sounds.

    When the chicken's ass blows out of the oven door and flies across the room, the chicken is done.

    And you thought I couldn't cook.

  4. #484
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    <center>Daylight Saving</center>

    The switch away from daylight savings time caused consternation among terrorist groups this year.

    At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs.

    A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions. Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from daylight savings time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time." Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued.

    The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time. The confused drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved demise.
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  5. #485
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    <center>Weight Loss Program</center>

    Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tries the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, etc. and none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small ad which read: Lose weight $1.00 a pound. And it simply listed a telephone number.

    Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?', to which the man responded, 'Ten pounds.'. The voice replied, 'Very well, put you check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.'.

    About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. Here stands a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stateing, 'If you catch me you can screw me'. Well the overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally he did catch her and when he was through enjoying himself she said, 'Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!'. He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

    That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?', to which the somewhat less overweight man replied, 'Twenty pounds.'. 'Very well', the voice on the phone told him, 'Put your check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.'

    At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blond dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stateing 'If you catch me you can screw me'. The chase took awhile longer this time but the man finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, 'Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!' He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!

    'This is fantastic!', he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?'. 'Fifty pounds!', the man exclaimed. 'Fifty pounds?', the voice asked. 'That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.'. The overweight man replied, 'My check's already in the mail. You just have your representative over here in the morning.', and he hung up the phone.

    About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed and gets all fancied up, ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, 'If I catch you I'm going to screw you.'
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  6. #486
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    Elderly Ladies
    ==============

    Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in
    Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12
    years, chatting and enjoying each others' friendship.

    One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says,
    "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all
    these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just
    can't."

    The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing
    for 2 full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do
    you have to know?"
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  7. #487
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    Macho Guy
    =========

    A really large macho guy is just about dying of thirst.
    The only bar around is a gay leather bar.

    "Hell with it," he thinks. "I ain't afraid of no fairies."

    He goes in, sits down, and thunders in his best gay-bashing
    voice, "I need somethin' to drink! I'm so damn thirsty I'd
    lick the sweat off a bull's balls to wet my whistle!"

    A huge leather-clad guy, twice his size, grabs him by the
    back of the neck and says, "Moo moo, buckeroo... I say,
    moo moo!"
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  8. #488
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    <center>Worried Father</center>

    After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician.

    "Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

    "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

    "It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Asian."

    "Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

    The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month."

    "There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust."
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  9. #489
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    <center>A Married Couple's Holiday In Pakistan</center>

    This married couple is on holiday in Pakistan.
    They're touring around the market place looking at the goods and such, when they pass this small sandal shop.
    From inside they hear a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say "I welcome you, foreigners! Come in, come in to my humble shop.
    Salam a leekem!" (hello in english)
    So the married couple walks in.
    The Pakistani man says to them "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a
    great desert camel."
    The wife after hearing this is really interested in buying the sandals, but her husband feels he really doesn't need them, being the sex god that he is.
    So the husband says to the Pakistani, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
    The Pakistani replies "Just try them on."
    The husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally concedes to try them on.
    As he does, he gets this wild look in his eyes, something his wife has not seen in many years; raw sexual power.
    In a blink of the eye, the husband rushes the Pakistani man, throws him on a table and starts tearing at the guys pants.
    All the time the Pakistani man is screaming "Stop, stop! You've got them on the wrong feet!"
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  10. #490
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    <center>Ad Campaigns
    <small>(it's not a joke but funny just the same)</small></center>

    1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea".

    2. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had a use for the "manure stick".

    3. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

    4. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.

    5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.

    6. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate".

    7. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth".

    8. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant". OOPS!
    <center>:cheers:</center>

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