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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #41
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    When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's
    circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back
    to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet
    another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur
    (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that
    he was tired of speechmaking.

    "I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you
    give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

    Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

    When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's
    cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur
    gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered
    a few questions expertly.

    Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric
    question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there
    to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

    Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a
    steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so
    simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back,
    answer it for me."

  2. #42
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    Bob got behind in his car payments and, in an effort to shame him into paying the credit company wrote: "What would your neighbours think if we came and repossessed you car?" He wrote back: "Dear Sirs. I took the matter up with my neighbours and they all reckon it would be a lousy trick."

  3. #43
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    Aussie virgin


    A madam decides to retire & get married. Her main requirement in a husband is that he be a virgin. She meets an Australian whom she is convinced is a virgin & marries him.

    On their honeymoon she says "I'm going to the bathroom & get ready. You get things ready out here."

    When she comes out of the bathroom, he has pushed all the furniture out in the hall.

    "Why did you do that?" she asked.

    "Well love, I figured if women were anything like kangaroos we'd need all the room we can get"

  4. #44
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    Cross-examined


    An Amish man named Samuel was injured when he and his horse were struck by a car at an intersection. Samuel sued the driver of the car. In court, he was cross-examined by the driver's lawyer:

    Lawyer: Samuel, you've told us all about your injuries. However, according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you weren't injured at all, isn't that true?"

    Samuel: Well ... let me explain.

    Lawyer: Go right ahead (thinking he now had the plaintiff on the ropes). Please tell the jury.

    Samuel: When the officer arrived at the scene, he first looked upon my fallen horse. Finding him injured, the officer said to me, 'Looks like he has a broken leg,' and then he took out his weapon and shot my horse dead. Then the officer came up me and asked me how I was doing.
    Of course, I immediately replied, 'I'm OK!'

  5. #45
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    School Files


    And who says our educational system is in dire straits? I submit these compilations as testimony to the debate, taken from children, newspapers, and teachers:

    "This paper needs a few comas."

    "When papa passed away they burned his ashes and brought them home in a urinal."

    "We sat down to a picnic dinner of fricken chicasee."

    "You shake milk in a big stirrer machine to make it homicidal."

    "It was so hot during football practice that a lot of kids keeled over from nervous prostitution. Rusty Banazek broke his clavichord in scrimmage."

    "At the Knights of Columbus dinner, they will serve the same fish as last year."

  6. #46
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    School Files


    "Tomorrow Helen Henry visits the home of a retired Navy Captain and his wife, an exotic U-shaped structure."

    "LOST: Male cat. Needs medication. Owner very worried, neutered and declawed."

    "Winners at the card party were William Davenport, a turkey, and Mrs. Trudy Baker, a chicken."

    "Dear Teacher: Stanley had to miss some school. He had an attack of whooping cranes in his chest."

    "Dear Teacher: Lynda was away as she had stripe infection."

    "Dear Teacher: Please excuse the stink on Bill's clothes. We've been spraying the garden because it is full of abnoxus incests."

    "Dear Teacher: Please excuse Jane. She had an absent tooth. Wednesday she will have an appointment with the orinthologist."

    "Dear Teacher: Please excuse my daughter's absence for the past week, as she had a case of the fool."

  7. #47
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    Pig 'n *****


    A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.

    As they pass each other the woman leans out of her window and yells,
    'PIG'.

    The man immediately leans out his window and screams back,
    '*****'.

    They continue on their way. As the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

  8. #48
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    Aviation Guide


    Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

    If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back -- then they get bigger again)

    Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

    It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

    The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

    Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

    It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

    The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

    Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great' landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

    The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

    Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

    You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.

    Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.

    A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

    Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

    Trust your captain .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

    Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.

    Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.

    There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

    The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.

    Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.

    It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.

    A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.

    Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.

    Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.

    Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

    You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

    There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!

    Gravity never loses -- the best you can hope for is a draw!

    You start out flying with a bag of luck and a bag of experience, the trick is to get your bag of experience full before your bag of luck is empty.

  9. #49
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    After surgery


    As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"

    "There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

  10. #50
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    Jury fixing


    Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out
    for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.

    The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.

    When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

    "Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."

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