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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #491
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    <center>2 Blondes Playing Golf</center>

    Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in.

    They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.

    After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, "OK, so which one of you was playing the yellow ball?"
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  2. #492
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    <center>The Texan Father</center>

    A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.

    "WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.

    A few days later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"

    The proud father answered, "10 pounds."

    The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?

    The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  3. #493
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    <center>Giving Birth</center>

    A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

    The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"

    The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

    The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"

    The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features...of a male and a female."

    The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a *****... AND a brain?"
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  4. #494
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    <center>Adam and God</center>

    Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam "What's wrong?" Adam said he didn't have a anyone to talk to.

    So God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be woman. He said this person would cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you have a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.

    Adam asked God, "what would a woman like this cost?"

    God said,"An arm and leg."

    Adam said,"What can I get for a rib?"

    The rest is history.
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  5. #495
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    <center>Attempted Suicide</center>

    A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

    "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

    "Well I was trying to commit suicide" the blonde replied.

    "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off???"

    "No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest.

    "So then?" asked the doctor.

    "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

    "So then?"

    "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  6. #496
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    <center>Bats</center>

    Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.

    One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

    "We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

    The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood.

    The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

    The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

    "Yes," the other bat answers.

    "Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  7. #497
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    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

    You have two cows.

    You sell one and buy a bull.

    Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

    You sell them and retire on the income.

    ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:

    You have two cows.

    You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.

    The public buys your bull.

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:

    You have two cows.

    You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

    You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

    A FRENCH CORPORATION:

    You have two cows.

    You go on strike because you want three cows.

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION:

    You have two cows.

    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

    You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

    A GERMAN CORPORATION:

    You have two cows.

    You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

    A BRITISH CORPORATION:

    You have two cows.

    Both are mad.

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:

    You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

    You break for lunch.

    A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

    You have two cows.

    You count them and learn you have five cows.

    You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

    You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.

    You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

    A SWISS CORPORATION:

    You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.

    You charge others for storing them.

    A CHINESE CORPORATION:

    You have two cows.

    You have 300 people milking them.

    You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

    AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:

    So, there are these two Jewish cows, right?

    They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors.

    So, who needs people?

    A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:

    You have two cows.

    That one on the left is kinda cute...

  8. #498
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    Sixteen Important Things To Know

    1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.

    2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

    3. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

    4. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

    5. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

    6. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

    7. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

    8. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

    9. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

    10. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

    11. You should not confuse your career with your life.

    12. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

    13. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

    14. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

    15. Your friends love you, anyway.

    16. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

  9. #499
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    Take a LONG hard look at this picture.
    It takes about 1-1/2 minutes to find, but you will see it.
    http://www.tekzone.net/whatswrong/whatswrong.swf

  10. #500
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    Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

    Here's the true story.

    Back in the olden days, a man was traveling by foot through Switzerland. Nightfall was approaching, and the man had no where to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. So the man went into the barn to bed down, and the farmer went back into the house.

    As the story goes, the farmer's daughter (you knew this was coming, right?) came downstairs and asked her father, "Who was that man going into the barn?"

    "That's some fellow just traveling through," said the farmer.

    "He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn."

    The daughter then asked, "Did you offer the man anything to eat?"

    "Um, no, I didn't," the farmer answered. The daughter said, "Well, I'm going to take him some food."

    She went to the kitchen, prepared a plate of food, and then took it out to the barn. An hour later she returned. Her clothes were all disheveled and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands of straw tangled up in her long blond hair.

    She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep.

    A little later, the farmer's wife came down and asked her husband why their daughter went to bed so early. "I don't know," said the farmer. "I told a man that he could sleep in the barn, and our daughter took him some food."

    "Oh," replied the wife. "Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?" "Umm, no, I didn't," said the farmer.

    The wife then said, "I'm going to take something out there for him to drink." The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn. She didn't return for over an hour, and when she did, her clothes were also messed up, and she had straw twisted into her blond hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed.

    The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm and walked toward the mountain.

    A while later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She went to her father and said "Where's the man from the barn?"

    Father answered, "He left several minutes ago."

    "What?" she cried. "He left without saying good-bye? After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me."

    "What?" shouted the father. The farmer ran into the yard looking for the man, but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter."

    The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth, and yelled out,.......

    ILAIDTHEOLADEETOO...

    And that's the true origin of yodeling -- honest.

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