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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #511
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    Super-Woman
    ===========

    A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another
    woman.
    With super-human strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs,
    out the back door, and into the tool shed in the backyard
    and put his ***** in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the
    handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.

    The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to
    cut it off, are you?"

    The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's
    hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever
    you have to."

  2. #512
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    Tea with the Queen
    ==================

    While visiting England, Bill Clinton is invited to
    tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership
    philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself
    with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if
    they're intelligent.

    "I do so by asking them the right questions," says
    the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony
    Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer
    this question: "Your mother has a child, and your
    father has a child, and this child is not your
    brother or sister. Who is it?"

    Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

    "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the
    Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr.
    Clinton?"

    "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using
    that!"

    Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better
    put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations
    Committee to the test.

    He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says,
    "Senator Helms, I wonder if you'd mind answering a
    question for me?"

    "Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

    "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a
    child, and this child is not your brother or your
    sister. Who is it?"

    Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think
    about it and get back to you?"

    Clinton agrees and Helms leaves. Helms immediately
    calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators,
    and they puzzle over the question for several hours,
    but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in
    desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State
    Department and explains his problem. "Now look here,
    son, your mother has a child, and your father has a
    child, and this child is not your brother or your
    sister. Who is it?"

    Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you
    idiot."

    Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House
    and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it
    is! It's Colin Powell!"

    And Clinton replies in disgust, "Wrong, Senator.
    It's Tony Blair."

  3. #513
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    I AM A FATHER
    =============

    A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
    noticed he had his collar on backwards.

    The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a
    priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't
    wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and
    answered, "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4
    girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way. The
    priest getting impatient said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went
    back to reading his book.

    The little boy sat quietly...but on leaving the bus he leaned over and
    said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your
    collar."

  4. #514
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    Dear IRS
    ========

    There was a man who computed his taxes for 2001 and
    discovered that he owed $3407. He packaged up his
    payment and included this letter:

    Dear IRS:

    Enclosed is my 2001 Tax Return & payment. Please take
    note of the attached article from the USA Today
    newspaper.

    In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is
    paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00
    for a toilet seat.

    Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400)
    and six hammers (value $1029).

    This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please
    note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the
    "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my
    return. Might I suggest you send the above mentioned
    fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD
    paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

    It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year,
    and I look forward to paying it again next year.

    Sincerely,

    A SATISFIED TAX PAYER

  5. #515
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    Arthur Davidson died...
    =======================

    The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle
    Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told
    Arthur,

    "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed
    the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in
    Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to
    hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
    introduced him to

    God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God
    said, "Ah, yes." "Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional,
    youbhave some major design flaws in your invention:

    1.. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

    2.. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

    3.. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

    4.. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally,

    5.. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

    "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
    God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and
    waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and
    God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God
    said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding
    my invention than yours.

  6. #516
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    Christian Pet
    =============

    This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an
    equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.

    At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a
    dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch
    the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look
    up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with
    dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and
    went home (piously, of course).

    That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their
    new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the
    dog and showed off a little.

    The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was
    able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped
    the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.

    Well, they said, "let's try this out."

    Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced
    the command, "Heel!"

    Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's
    forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

  7. #517
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  8. #518
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    Does that mean you didn't like the jokes Fred or are you just trying out the smiley's?

  9. #519
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    <center>A Night Out</center>

    An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.

    He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face.

    He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

    He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

    "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.

    "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  10. #520
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    <center>Brothers</center>

    An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of ******ss and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the day when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

    The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

    The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
    <center>:cheers:</center>

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