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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #521
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    <center>Drunk at the Fair</center>

    A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.

    He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a turtle.

    The drunk wandered off into the crowd. An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.

    Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.

    "That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"

    The showman, cursing his luck, made a play of going over to the target and inspecting it closely. "Yes Sir!" , he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware"

    "I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those delicious crusty meat pies".
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  2. #522
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    A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
    The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.

    The next day the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

    The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, and then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth; first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out still nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing.

    The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

    The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get that damned jar open."

  3. #523
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    Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....
    You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

    You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

    You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

    You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

    You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

  4. #524
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    [submitter's note: my brother-in-law is a world-class spam fighter, and he sent this along for my amusement. I'm sharing it with his permission.]
    The government just ordered all ISPs in China to start monitoring email for subversive phrases and the like, so I started replying to Chinese spam with little replies of the form at the end of this spam. Might be a useful tactic on companies who think that unsolicited email is "just regular advertising."

    Bill


    "Jack(export manager)" wrote:
    >
    > Dear Sir
    > How are you .
    >
    > We are a lighting factory in China ,It is glad
    > to introduce ourselves to you:
    >
    > I am XUBIN (Jack) , XUBIN is my chinese name , you can just
    > call me Jack !! , I am export manager of [deleted] ,
    > China, our group have four factory
    [snipped]
    >
    > Here is our company profile :
    >


    [Rest of sales talk snipped]




    (And now, the reply)
    Thank you for your coded order. The weapons and ammunition will ship by way of the usual route in ten days, and you already know our secret Swiss bank account number to wire the payment to.

    It is a pleasure doing business with you for so long, and I hope your cause will prevail. I am new to this particular computer, so I hope the encryption is working and the monitoring authorities cannot read what I am sending you.

    Long live the Falun Gong! Free Tibet!

    Best regards, Your arms supplier

  5. #525
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    <center>Loving Wife</center>

    I ran into Bill at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling.

    "I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience." he replied.

    "Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?" I asked in stunned disbelief.

    "Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  6. #526
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    <center>An Afghani In The US</center

    Ahmed came to the United States from Afghanistan, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.
    He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.
    Finally, he went to an Arab doctor.

    The doctor said, "Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, **** in de bucket, piss on de ****, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."

    Ahmed took the bucket, went into the other room, shat in the bucket, pissed on the ****, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

    Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was it?"

    The doctor said, "You were homesick."
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  7. #527
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    Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

    The black bear said: "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."

    Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

    There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."

    Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

    He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

    The polar bear says: "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

    :shoot2: :shoot3:
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  8. #528
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    <center>Two Old Ladies</center>

    Two old ladies, Mollie and Sadie, were sitting on a bench having a quiet chat, when a flasher approached from across the park.

    He stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat, exposing his 'thing'.

    Mollie immediately had a stroke.

    Sadie, the other lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  9. #529
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    <center>Sisters of St Francis</center>

    A man driving down a deserted stretch of highway notices a sign out of the corner of his eye:

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
    HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    10 MILES

    Thinking it was just a figment of his imagination he drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign:

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
    HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    5 MILES

    He begins to realise that these signs are real. He then drives past a third sign:

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
    HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    NEXT RIGHT

    His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door:

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

    He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

    He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

    "Very well, my son. Please follow me."

    He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
    The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

    He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a plate. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the plate, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

    He gets $50 out of his wallet, places it in the plate, trots eagerly down the hall, and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

    As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

    GO IN PEACE..........

    YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  10. #530
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    Gone Fishing
    ============

    A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has
    just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the
    opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my
    fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home
    in an hour to pick them up."

    He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.

    A week later he returns.

    His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?"

    He says: " Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk
    pajamas."

    His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle
    box!"

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