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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #531
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    Baseball Fanatics
    =================

    Pat and Mike are two 75 year old baseball fanatics. In fact, they go
    to just about every Cubs home game. One day, Mike was in a rather
    philosophical mood and asked Pat if he thought baseball is played in
    heaven. Pat replied, "I don't know, but someday we may find out.

    "Sad to say, the next day Pat died.

    Several months later, as Mike was reading the sports section in the
    newspaper at his kitchen table, the ghost of Pat appears to Mike.

    Mike asks, "Is that you, Pat?""It's me all right."Mike then asks Pat,
    "I gotta know - is baseball played in heaven?

    "Pat replied, "I've got some good news and some bad news regarding that
    question.

    "Mike says, "Tell me the good news

    "Pat says, "The good news is yes, baseball is played in heaven.

    "Mike then says, "Now tell me the bad news.

    "Pat says, "The bad news is you are the starting pitcher on my team
    tomorrow."

  2. #532
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    <center>James Bond's New Watch</center>

    A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
    He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

    The woman notices this and asks "Is your date running late?"
    "No" he replies "Q's just given me this state of the art watch and I was just testing it"

    The intrigued woman says "A state of the art watch? What's so special about it"

    Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically"

    The lady says "What's it telling you now?"

    "Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers..."

    The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"

    Bond tuts, taps his watch and says "Damn thing's an hour fast"
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  3. #533
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    I'm the 3000th person to view these jokes

    :devil:

  4. #534
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    It seems to be a popular place in here ;)

  5. #535
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    Now I wonder why. :?:

  6. #536
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    Circle Flies
    ============

    A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for
    speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the
    farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw
    his weight around to try to make the farmer
    uncomfortable.

    Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the
    ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at
    some flies that were buzzing around his head.

    The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle
    flies there, are ya?"

    The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said -
    "Well, yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of
    circle flies".

    So the farmer says- "Well, circle flies are common
    on farms. See, they're called circle flies because
    they're almost always found circling around the back
    end of a horse."

    The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the
    ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "
    Hey---wait a minute, are you trying to call me a
    horse's ass?"

    The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much
    respect for law enforcement and police officers to
    even think about calling you a horse's ass."

    The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and
    goes back to writing the ticket.

    After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool
    them flies though."

  7. #537
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    IRS
    ===

    A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first
    assignment is to audit an old rabbi. He thinks he'll
    have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he says,
    "Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from
    the candles?" The rabbi says, "We send them to the
    candle factory, and every once in a while they send us
    a free candle."

    The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from
    your table?" The rabbi says, "We send them to the
    matzoh ball factory, and every once in a while they
    send us a free box of matzoh balls."

    The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins
    from your circumcisions?" The rabbi says, "We send
    them to the IRS, and every once in a while they send
    us a little prick like you."

  8. #538
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    <center>The Pious Man and The Athiest</center>

    A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

    However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

    So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

    And a great voice was heard from above...

    "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  9. #539
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    ^^ that one gets the thumbs up...lol

  10. #540
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    <center>Reminiscing</center>

    Grandpa and Grandma were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.

    With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?" Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

    Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

    Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"
    <center>:cheers:</center>

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