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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #541
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    Tonsils
    =======

    A little boy was going into the hospital to have his tonsils removed.
    His mother told the doctor to circumcise him while he was in there.
    He told all his friends he would be back in school very soon. When he
    returned they asked, "How do you feel?" He said, "Let me tell you,
    your tonsils are not where they say they are......."

  2. #542
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    Death and Taxes
    ===============

    A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and
    said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die
    you will have my remains cremated."

    "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to
    do with your ashes?"

    The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope
    and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on
    the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"

  3. #543
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    lol good one:D
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  4. #544
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    <center>Mexican Bandit</center>

    A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

    After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.

    Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

    The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  5. #545
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    <center>Five Surgeons</center>

    Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

    The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

    The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

    The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

    The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

    But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  6. #546
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    Obstetrics and Gynecology
    =========================

    A new young MD was starting his residency in
    Obstetrics and Gynecology. He was somewhat embarrassed
    performing pelvic exams and had unconsciously formed a
    habit of whistling softly to cover his embarrassment.

    The young lady upon whom he was performing this exam
    suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed
    him.

    He snapped "just what is so funny?"

    She replied, "I'm sorry doctor, but the song you were
    whistling was "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner."

  7. #547
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    Chair Beat
    ==========

    The CIA had an opening for
    an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists; two men and a woman.
    For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes.
    Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn.

    She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another.
    The agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

  8. #548
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    Vase
    ====

    Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down
    the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead
    happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

    She sighs and says, 'Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying
    me flowers again.'

    The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, 'You
    don't like getting flowers?'

    The redhead says, 'I love getting flowers, but he
    always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I
    just don't feel like spending the next three days on
    my back with my legs in the air.'

    The blonde says, 'Don't you have a vase?

  9. #549
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    Making Of The World
    ===================

    When the Creator was making the world, He called man aside and bestowed
    upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified! "Only 20 years!"
    he complained. But the Creator didn't budge. That was all He would grant
    him.

    Then He called the monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't need 20
    years," said the monkey, "10 is plenty." Man spoke up and said, "Can't I
    have the other 10 years?" The monkey agreed.

    Then the Creator called the lion and gave him 20 years. The lion said he
    desired only 10 years. Again, man asked, "Can't I have the other 10
    years?" "Of course," roared the lion.

    Then came the donkey. He, too, was given 20 years and like the others said
    10 years was all he needed. Man asked again for the spare 10 years and
    again
    received them.

    This explains why man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of
    monkeying
    around, 10 years of lion about it, and 10 years of making an ass of
    himself.

  10. #550
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    Rubbers
    =======

    A young buck went into a large store for a packet of rubbers
    "Have you tried the rainbow ones?" asked the assistant "We've
    got Red ones, Blue ones, Green ones, Orange ones, Yellow ones,
    + a few other different colours"

    "I'll try the lot" said the young man adventurously.
    Six months later, he appeared in the same store with a rather
    sorry looking young girl asking for maternity dresses.

    The same assistant served them asking "What bust, madam?"

    "The blue one" The young man said sadly

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