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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #551
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    Bush and leaves
    ===============

    There was a koala bear, who was approached by a prostitute one day.
    He had never been with a prostitute before. Curious and excited, the
    koala spent the night with her and had a GREAT time.

    The next morning, he went down on her, one last time before departing.
    After he was done, the koala headed for the door and was about to
    leave when the prostitute yelled, "Hey! What about my money?"

    Confused, the koala turned around, gave her a puzzled look, shrugging
    his shoulders, and replied, "Huh?"

    "Come here....." she said, and pulled a dictionary out of her purse.
    She pointed to the word 'prostitute' and its definition, 'has sex
    and gets paid.'

    Finally understanding, the koala borrowed her dictionary, turned to
    the word koala and showed her its definition, 'eats bush and leaves.'

  2. #552
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    The After Life
    ===============

    A couple made a deal that whoever died first would
    come back and inform the other of the after life. The
    woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven.

    After a long life the husband was the first to go and
    true to his word he made contact.

    "Mary... Mary.... "

    "Is that you Fred?"

    "Yes, I have come back like we agreed."

    "What is it like?"

    "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have
    breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have
    sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all
    afternoon - supper-then sex till late at night, sleep
    -then start all over again."

    "Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven."

    "Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

  3. #553
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    Aging Mildred
    =============

    Aging Mildred was a 75-year-old woman who was getting more and more
    despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl.

    She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
    Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out
    Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the
    heart, since it was so badly broken anyway.

    Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden
    someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly
    where the heart would be on a woman.

    The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

    Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the local hospital with a
    gunshot wound to her knee.

  4. #554
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    Jokes
    =====

    Want to hear a dirty joke? Jimmy fell in the mud

    Want to hear a clean joke? Jimmy took a bath with bubbles in it

    Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was the girl next door.

  5. #555
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    Diving
    ======

    One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below
    sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth, but with no
    scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20
    feet, and the guy joined him a few minutes later. The
    diver went below 25 feet, and minutes
    later, the same guy joined him.

    This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof
    chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck are you able
    to stay under this deep without equipment?"

    The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver
    had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

  6. #556
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    Slogans pt1
    ===========

    So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me.

    I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy.

    God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends.

    If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going.

    At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...
    I Just Can't Remember It All.

    My Mother Is A Travel Agent for Guilt Trips.

    I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me to Do.

    (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah.

    If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?

    Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount.

    Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog.

    No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman").

    I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now.

    Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.

  7. #557
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    Slogans pt2
    ===========


    What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About.

    Coffee, Chocolate, Men... Some Things are Just Better Rich.

    Liberal Arts Major... Will Think For Money.

    Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional

    IRS--Be Audit You Can Be.

    Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.

    If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen.

    Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship.

    The Old Pro...Often Wrong...Never In Doubt.

    If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You.

    Old Age Comes at a Bad Time.

    In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take.

    First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.

  8. #558
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    very nice :thumb: ...you manages to fit 27 jokes into 2 posts, hehe :p
    <Insert Witty Comment Here.>

  9. #559
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    Quote Originally Posted by daedalus
    very nice :thumb: ...you manages to fit 27 jokes into 2 posts, hehe :p
    :confused: Your counting.....lol










    :D Thanks

  10. #560
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    An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's final
    agony, as he started to slip away, he suddenly smelled
    the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip
    cookies wafting up the stairs.

    He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself
    from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made
    his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort
    forced himself down the stairs.

    Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
    downstairs defying the pull of Morpheus. With laboured
    breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into
    the kitchen. Were it not for the immense pain caused
    by his extreme exertions he would have thought himself
    already in heaven for there spread out upon waxed paper
    on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favourite
    chocolate chip cookies.

    Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love
    from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this
    world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort,
    with tears in his eyes, he threw himself toward the
    table.

    Landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched
    lips parted: the wondrous taste of the sweet biscuit
    was already mentally in his mouth, seemingly bringing
    him back to life. He felt renewed strength pulsate
    through his body. The aged and withered hand trembled on
    it's way to one lone biscuit at the edge of the table,
    when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife....



    "F * ck off," she said, "they're for the funeral."

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