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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #561
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    Two plumbers were working in the street trying to unblock a drain when an angry gent came out of the house opposite. "Go easy with that long wire you’re poking about with, boys," he said. "You’ve had my missus leap off the toilet seat three times!"

  2. #562
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    A guy walked into a psychiatrist's office wearing only cling-film underpants. The psychiatrist said, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts'.

  3. #563
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    TEN TIMES IN HISTORY, WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE



    10th - "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
    9th - "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagorus, 126BC
    8th - "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
    7th - "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer,1877
    6th - "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
    5th - "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
    4th - "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
    3rd - "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
    2nd - "I need this parade like I need a @#$%ing hole in the head!" -JFK,1963
    The number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word...

    1st - "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"- Bill Clinton, 1997

  4. #564
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    A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van
    A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

    About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks having sex ?"

    The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

  5. #565
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    Administratium
    Investigators at a major research institution recently discovered the heaviest element known to science and have tentatively named it -Administratium. Administratium has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It has, however, 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

    They are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically, as it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second. Administratium has a half-life of approximately three years. However, it does not decay in the usual way, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganisation some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever moron concentration reaches a certain level. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the Critical Morass.

  6. #566
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    Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll with their dogs
    Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll with their dogs... One had a Doberman pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink." The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is mySeeing-Eye dog."

    The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher ?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK, come on in." The buddy with the Chihuahua figured 'what the heck', so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua ?" The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua ?....... They gave me a f*cking Chihuahua?!"

  7. #567
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    That last one was on a beer commercial not long ago....

  8. #568
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    I know.but the add would not have aired everywhere though..it is a classic

  9. #569
    Beefy Guest

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    yeah, I only saw it on Pay tv.. :)

  10. #570
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    I've seen it on free-to-air...but it was slightly different. Still good though :thumb:
    <Insert Witty Comment Here.>

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