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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #571
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    Yeah, there wasn't two dogs int he add.

  2. #572
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    yep, that was the one.
    <Insert Witty Comment Here.>

  3. #573
    Beefy Guest

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    yes.. yes it is..

    anyways..... :)

  4. #574
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    wats one good thing about having alziemers?
    u can hide your own easter eggs!


    Exuse me. Do you have a map? I've seemed to have gotten lost trying to walk around you.


    This is this cat
    This is is is cat
    This is how cat
    This is to cat
    This is keep cat
    This is a cat
    This is dumbass cat
    This is busy cat
    This is for cat
    This is forty cat
    This is seconds cat
    Now go back to the start and read the third word in each line.
    Ps Don't be offended by it.

  5. #575
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    your momma's so FAT the last time she saw 90210 was on the scales.


    Yo mamma so fat I jog around her for exercise

    Yo mammas teeth are so yellow I can't believe its not butter

    Yo mamma so dumb she put a ruler next to her bed to see how long she slept

  6. #576
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    When I was in yr 3 our school teacher was talking about hormones, sex and all that so that night I came home and asked my dad how to stop a ***** moan (hormone) and he said don't pay her.

    The next day at school our teacher gave us a quiz about hormones and sex, of coarse that question came to me and sure enough I listened to my dad and I said 'don't pay her'

  7. #577
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    HE: "I've got an idea"
    SHE "Beginer's luck".
    HE: "Are you trying to make a monkey out of me?"
    SHE: "No. Why should I take the credit?"
    HE: "So this is a battle of wits between us?"
    SHE: "No. I never pick on a man that's unarmed."
    He: "I managed to keep my head above water."
    SHE "That's because wood floats."
    He: "I wouldn't stand these . I've gots lots of backbone."
    SHE: "Yes, but the bone is all on the top."
    HE: "Intelligence reigns supreme in our family."
    SHE: "Well , you must have been born during the dry spell."
    HE: "I'm nobody's fool."
    SHE: "Perhaps you can get someone to adopt you."
    HE: "My mother thinks I'm a great wit."
    SHE: "She's half right."
    HE: "You are going to drive me out of my mind."
    SHE: "That's not a drive, it's a putt."

  8. #578
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    There were two guys called Pete and John that walked into a bar. Pete asked for a beer and John asked where is the toilet. The barmen said up the hall turn left and it is the door on the left.
    So he went up the hall turned left and in the door on his left, so anyway 3 hours later John still wasn't back so Pete asked the barmen what was taking John so long.
    The barmen said lets go and see what is the problem so they went up the hall turned left and through the door on their left they saw John and asked him what the problem was he said every time I try to get up something grabs me by the balls and drags me back down.
    Pete said that's because your sitting on a mop bucket.

  9. #579
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kay
    your momma's so FAT the last time she saw 90210 was on the scales.


    Yo mamma so fat I jog around her for exercise

    Yo mammas teeth are so yellow I can't believe its not butter

    Yo mamma so dumb she put a ruler next to her bed to see how long she slept
    ooohh - you shouldn-a did that!

    now i gotta do this:

    ;)

    Yo' momma's so fat, she gets stuck in her dreams!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she uses the swimming pool as a toilet!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she uses a basketball as a hackey sack!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she keeps her extra change in one of her folds!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when yo' daddy makes love to her, he never makes love to the same fold twice!
    Yo' momma's so fat, NASA hauls her to the top of a tower, pushes her off, she falls 300 feet, hits a board and launches the space shuttle...!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she says her job title is Spoon and Fork Operator!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she put on a gray dress, and an admiral boarded her!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she can lay down and stand up, and her height doesn't change!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she's taller lying down!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she works at the theater, she works as the screen!
    Yo' momma's so fat, her belly jiggle is the first perpetual motion machine!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when I said I wanted 'pigs in a blanket', she got back in bed!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her five YEARS to live!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she could sell shade!
    Yo' momma's so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin!
    Yo' momma's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost!
    Yo' momma's so fat, I gotta take three steps back just to see all of her!
    Yo' momma's so fat, her *ss has its own congressman!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she stepped on a train track, the warning lights went on!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she shops for clothes in the local tent shop!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she goes to the circus, she sees the big top and asks, "Where can I try that on?!"
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she brought her dress to the cleaners, they said, "Sorry, we don't do curtains!"
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she goes to the circus, she takes up all the rings!
    Yo' momma's so fat, "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her butt cheeks!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she's got Amtrak tattooed on her leg!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she leaves the beach, everybody shouts, "The coast is clear!"
    Yo' momma's so fat, they used her for a trampoline at the Olympics!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she went on a light diet...as soon as it's light, she starts eating!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she went on a seafood diet...whenever she saw food, she ate it!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she bends over, we go into daylight savings time!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she's half Indian, half Irish, and half French!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when I climbed up on top of her, I burned my *ss on the light bulb!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion!
    Yo' momma' so fat, she's moving the Earth out of its orbit!
    Yo' momma's so fat, I gain weight just by watching her eat!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she comes down the stairs, she measures on the Richter scale!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she walks down the street, everyone yells "Earthquake!"
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she swims, she leaves stretch marks on the swimming pool!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she fills up the tub, she FILLS UP the tub!
    Yo' momma's so fat, they're going to use her to fill that hole in the ozone layer!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she looks like the Stay-Puff marshmallow man on steroids!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she has 48 midnight snacks!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she walks down the street, you can hear her hips saying to each other "If you let me by, I'll let you pass!"
    Yo' momma's so fat, she jumped in the ocean, and the whales started singing, "We are family!"
    Yo' momma's so fat, she plays pool with the planets!
    Yo' momma's so fat, the only thing she can fit into at the clothing store is the dressing rooms!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she uses the carpet as a blanket!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she wears corduroy pants, the ridges don't show!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she made Richard Simmons cry!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, kids think it's the school bus!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she wears a purple sweater, people call her "Barney"!
    Yo' momma is so fat, when she sits in a chair, the rolls on her legs cover her feet like a blanket!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she went to get a water bed, they put a blanket across Lake Michigan!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she don't know whether she's walking or rolling!
    Yo' momma's so fat, they had to paint a stripe down her back to see if she was walking or rolling!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she makes sumo wrestlers look anorexic!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she wore a shirt with an AA on it, people thought she was American Airlines' biggest jet!
    Yo' momma's so fat, if she were an airplane, she'd be a jumbo jet!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she was lifting up her rolls, and a car fell out!
    Yo' momma's so fat, Dr. Martens had to kill three cows just to make her a pair of shoes!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she can't stay on a basketball court for three seconds without getting called for a key violation!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step!
    Yo' momma's so fat, all the chairs in her house have seat belts!
    Yo' momma's so fat, her belly-button's got an echo!
    Yo' momma's got so many rings around her belly, she screws her underwear on!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she roller skates on busses!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she uses bowling balls for earrings!
    Yo' momma lost at hide n' seek when I spotted her behind the Himalayas!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she backs up, she beeps!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when her beeper went off, people thought she was backing up!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she has to use a VCR as a beeper!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she has a refrigerator strapped to her waist, and it looks like a pager!
    Yo' momma's so fat, her nickname is "DAMN!"
    Yo' momma's so fat, people jog around her for exercise!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas!
    Yo' momma's so fat, I have to take a plane, a train, and an automobile just to get on her good side!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when you get on top of her, your ears pop!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she has sex, she has to give directions!
    Yo' momma's so fat, yo' daddy's idea of foreplay is setting up the on-ramps!
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  10. #580
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    Yo' momma's so fat, you haveta roll over twice to get off her!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says, "Okay!"
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she orders everything on the menu, including "Thank You, Come Again"!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she goes to an all-you-can-eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps!
    Yo' momma's so fat, the sign outside one restaurant says 'Maximum occupancy, 512, or YO' MOMMA!'
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she wore a yellow raincoat, people said, "Taxi!"
    Yo' momma's so fat, she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!
    Yo' momma's so fat, the highway patrol made her wear a sign that said, "Caution! Wide Turn!"
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she stands in a left-turn lane, it gives her the green arrow!
    Yo' momma's so fat, we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for their new world!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when Scorpion did the harpoon throw on her, he got arrested for whaling!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
    Yo' momma's so fat, whenever she goes to the beach, the tide comes in!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she lies on the beach, no one else gets sun!
    Yo' momma's so fat, her shoes have to have license plates!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she went to Sea World, she came out with a paycheck!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too!
    Yo' momma's so fat, they use her underwear elastic for bungee jumping!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she fell in love and broke it!
    Yo' momma's so fat, the last time she saw 90210, it was on a scale!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she gets on the scale, it says, "We don't do livestock!"
    Yo' momma's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it said, "Please step out of the car!"
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she plays hopscotch, she goes "New York, L.A., Chicago..."
    Yo' momma's so fat, even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!
    Yo' momma's so fat, her legs are like spoiled milk - white and chunky!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she rolled over four quarters and it made a dollar!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
    Yo' momma's so fat, her senior pictures had to be aerial views!
    Yo' momma's so fat, every time she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she left the house in high heels and when she came back, she had on flip flops!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she hauls *ss, she has to make two trips!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she hauls *ss, she has friends come help!
    Yo' momma's so fat, even her clothes have stretch marks!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she has a wooden leg with a kick stand!
    Yo' momma's so fat, they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
    Yo' momma's so fat, you have to grease the door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side just to get her through!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she fell over, she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she dances at a concert, the whole band skips!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she runs, she makes the CD player skip...at the radio station!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she sets off car alarms when she runs!
    Yo' momma's so fat, the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist, they spelled out "boulevard!"
    Yo' momma's so fat, instead of Levi's 501 jeans, she wears Levi's 1002's!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she has her own brand of jeans: FA - Fat *ss Jeans!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she was walking in her jeans, I swear I smelled something burning!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse!
    Yo' momma's so fat, they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"
    Yo' momma's so fat that when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks!
    Yo' momma's so fat, they had to let out the shower curtain!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she's got shock absorbers on her toilet seat!
    Yo' momma's so fat, her picture fell off the wall!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she don't have cellulite, she has celluHEAVY!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she eats Wheat *Thicks*!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she sweats, people wear raincoats around her!
    Yo' momma's so fat and stupid, her waist size is larger than her I.Q.!
    Yo' momma's so fat, at the zoo, the elephants started throwing HER peanuts!
    Yo' momma's so fat, it say on her driver's license "Picture continued on back."
    Yo' momma's so fat, NASA orbits a satellite around her!
    Yo' momma's so fat, people use her dandruff as quilts!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she runs on diesel!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she thinks a balanced meal is a ham in each hand!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she was Miss Arizona -- class Battleship!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she won Miss Bessie the Cow, 96!
    Yo' momma's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs!
    Yo' momma's so fat, the Himalayas are practices runs to prepare for her!
    Yo' momma's so fat, to her, 'light food' means under four tons!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she's in a jacuzzi, she makes her own gravy!
    Yo' momma's so fat, cars run out of gas before passing her fat *ss!
    Yo' momma's so fat, her doctor's a grounds keeper!
    Yo' momma's so fat, McDonald's has to change their sign every time she eats there!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she can smell bacon frying in Canada!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she got hit by a car and the car sued for damages!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she had her ears pierced with a harpoon!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she wears a microwave for a beeper!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she wears pillow cases for socks and hula hoops to hold them up!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she went to the salad bar and pulled up a chair!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she sits on a chair, she makes paper!
    Yo' momma's so fat, Neil Armstrong landed on her in 1969!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she has to be fed by slingshot!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she walked in front of the TV, and I missed three commercials!
    Yo' momma's so fat, the shadow of her *ss weighs 50 pounds!
    Yo' momma's so fat, her butt looks like two pigs fighting over a Hershey Kiss!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she has to grease her hands to get into her pockets!
    Yo' momma's so fat, her navel gets home 15 minutes before she does!
    Yo' momma's so fat, if she weighed five more pounds, she could get group insurance!
    Yo' momma's so fat, if she was a super hero, she would be the Incredible Bulk!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she auditioned for a part in "Indiana Jones," she got the part as the big rolling ball!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washington's nose!
    Yo' momma's so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she wears a red dress in the summer, kids run after her yelling, "Kool Aid! Kool Aid!"
    Yo' momma's so fat, when I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through the wall!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she has to sleep in the barn with the rest of the cows!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she talks to herself, it's a long distance call!
    Yo' momma's so fat, if she put her hand on her hip, she would look like a gallon of milk!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she stood in front of the HOLLYWOOD letters we thought we were in the hood (HO*****OD)!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she's got a zit on her butt that's known as Mt. St. Helen!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she uses the freeway as a slip 'n slide!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she needs a shower, she goes to a car wash!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she starts a marathon, she's already at the finish line!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she pays taxes in three countries!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she wears a yellow shirt, people wear sunglasses!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she needs to use a boomerang to scratch her fat *ss!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she gets her dresses made by Barnum and Bailey!
    Yo' momma's so fat, when she last went to church, nobody would leave until she sang!
    Yo' momma's so fat, her nickname is the Badyear Blimp!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she was standing at a corner and the cops came over and said, "Hey! Break it up!"
    Yo' momma's so fat, I kept trying to leave her, but I couldn't escape her gravitational pull!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she has her own asteroid belt!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she can kick start a 747!
    Yo' momma's so fat, if she was two feet taller, she'd be spherical!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she was kidnapped by a cannibal tribe, and they all died of cholesterol!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she got a ticket for going the wrong way down a one way street when she was walking!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she doesn't sit, she spreads!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she was born on the 4th, 5th and 6th of March!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she was stopped by police dogs at the airport for having 300 lbs of crack under her dress!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she lives in two time zones - supper time and dinner time!
    Yo' momma's so fat, in school when she stood up and turned around, she would erase all the black-boards in the room!
    Yo' momma's so fat, it took God one day to create the earth and five days to create yo' momma!
    Yo' momma's so fat, the local police hired her to be a roadblock!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she bumps into people even when she's sitting down!
    Yo' momma's so fat, she don't take pictures, she takes posters!
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