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Thread: Jokes.

  1. #51
    Join Date
    Nov 2001


    Signs from hotels and from around the world:

    In a Tokyo hotel:
    Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing please not to read notis.

    In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
    The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

    In a Leipzig elevator:
    Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.

    In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
    To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

    In a Bangkok drycleaners:
    Drop your trousers here for best results.

    In a Japanese hotel:
    You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

    In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
    Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of Ascension.

    In a Yugoslav hotel:
    The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

    On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
    Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

    On the menu of a Polish hotel:
    Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

    Outside a Hong Kong tailor's shop:
    Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

    Outside a Paris dress shop:
    Dresses for street walking.

  2. #52
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Here.....of course!


    A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and
    didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for
    letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one
    wish, but only one."

    The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii
    but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me
    claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to

    The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do
    that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold
    up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the
    ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just
    too much to ask."

    The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other
    thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand
    women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are
    they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"

    The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes
    or four?"

  3. #53
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Here.....of course!


    Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly
    letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she
    insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior,
    Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody,
    and I'm very proud of that fact."

    The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will
    you stop?" Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces
    of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one.
    Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a
    tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her
    panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was
    done, and there was not a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.

    Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again.
    She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked
    up underneath her skirt. "No wonder you won!" he exclaimed
    indignantly, "you've got a Double-Barrel!"

  4. #54
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Here.....of course!


    A priest, a doctor, and a professional golfer were waiting one morning for
    a particularly slow group of golfers.

    GOLFER: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

    DOCTOR: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

    PRIEST: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi
    George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather
    slow aren't they?

    GEORGE: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their
    sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here
    anytime free of charge!


    PRIEST: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them

    DOCTOR: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and
    see if there's anything he can do for them.

    GOLFER: Why can't these guys play at night?

  5. #55
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Here.....of course!


    A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She
    knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big,
    hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms
    answers the door. She proclaims "I want to join your
    biker club".

    The guy was amused and told her that she needed to
    meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed
    to join. So the biker asks her "You have a bike?" The
    little old lady says "Yea, thats my Harley over there"
    and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

    The biker asks her "Do you smoke?" The little old lady
    says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a
    day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool".

    The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever
    been picked up by the Fuzz?".

    The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up
    by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples".

  6. #56
    Join Date
    Nov 2001


    Police are so confusing, yesterday they pulled me over and took my driver's license
    Today they pull me over and ask to see it.
    The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

  7. #57
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Here.....of course!



    Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court And the
    judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey
    replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f_cking Goofy."


    Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about
    splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit
    Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper
    on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

    A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through
    town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"

    Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

  8. #58
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Here.....of course!



    Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up
    behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face
    screaming, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"


    Oh... by the way, did you know Captain Hook died from jock itch?

  9. #59
    Join Date
    Nov 2001


    Redneck quickies

    You might be a redneck if...

    Your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.

    You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

    Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.

    You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.

    You're an expert on worm beds.

    The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

    Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"

    Your family tree does not fork.

    The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.

    You haul more than U-Haul.

  10. #60
    Join Date
    Nov 2001


    Maria is very religious. She gets married and has 17 children, then her husband dies. She remarries a few weeks later and has another 22 children with her second husband. Maria dies.

    At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, 'At least they are finally together.'

    A man standing next to the priest asks,
    'Excuse me, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?'

    The priest says, 'I mean her legs.'

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