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Thread: Jokes.

  1. #591
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Here.....of course!


    Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about
    who was better on his computer. They had been going at
    it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the
    bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to
    set up a test which will take two hours and I will
    judge who does the better job."

    So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and
    typed away.

    They moused.
    They did spreadsheets.
    They wrote reports.
    They sent faxes.
    They sent e-mail.
    They sent out e-mail with attachments.
    They downloaded.
    They did some genealogy reports.
    They made cards.
    They did every known job.

    But, ten minutes before1 the time was up, lightning
    suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the
    rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.

    Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed in every
    curse word known in the underworld.

    Jesus just sighed.

    The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of
    them restarted their computers. Satan started
    searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's
    all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

    Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all
    his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this
    and became even more irate.

    "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it??!!"

    (You'll love the punch line....)


    God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves"

  2. #592
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Here.....of course!


    Why did the blonde have bruises around her belly

    Because her boyfriend was blonde too!

  3. #593
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    New England Highlands, Australia


    Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
    A: A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

    Q: What's the best form of birth control after 50?
    A: Nudity

    Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
    A: 45 kilos.

    Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    A: 45 minutes.

    Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None, they just sit there in the dark and *****.

    Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
    A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

    Q: Why are men and parking spaces alike?
    A: Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.

    Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
    A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

    Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
    A: They can't stand criticism.

    Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking?
    A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

    Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
    A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

    Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
    A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

    Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
    A: A golden retriever.

    Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
    A: Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

    Q: A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in sixth grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
    A: The blonde, because she's 18.

    Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
    A: Ask your Mom.

    Q: How do you know when you're really ugly?
    A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

    Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
    A: Her navel.

    Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
    A: A Bingo Machine.

    Q: Why did God create alcohol?
    A: So ugly people could have sex too.

    Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
    A: "Are you sure it's mine?"

    Q: What three two-letter words mean small?
    A: "Is It In?"

    Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?
    A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.

    Q: What do toilets, a birthday, and an anniversary have in common?
    A: Men miss them all.

    Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    A: Breasts don't have eyes.

    Q: Why aren't there any Aboriginals on Star Trek?
    A: Because they're not going to work in the future either.

    Q: What's the difference between a Japanese zoo, and an Australian zoo?
    A: Japanese zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe.

  4. #594
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Here.....of course!


    Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night
    Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of
    us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male
    dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill
    and stuck it to his butt cheek! Not to be outdone,
    another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the
    guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to
    his other butt cheek.

    In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third
    friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over,
    and licks the bill. I'm worried about the way things
    are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of
    his butt cheeks, again.

    My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are
    going, the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone's
    attention is focused on me, and the guy's egging me on
    to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I
    reached for my wallet. What could I do? Then the
    woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped
    it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the 80 bucks,
    and went home.

  5. #595
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Here.....of course!


    IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an
    8X10 cell.
    AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a
    6X6 cubicle.

    IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
    AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you
    have to pay for it.

    IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
    AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.

    IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors
    for you.
    AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and
    open all the doors for yourself.

    IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
    AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing

    IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
    AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees
    on the seat.

    IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to
    AT can't even speak to your family.

    IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers
    with no work required.
    AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to
    work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to
    pay for prisoners.

    IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars
    wanting to get out.
    AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting
    to get out and go inside bars.

    So why is it, again, that we work?

  6. #596
    Join Date
    Nov 2001


    i don't remember seeing this one, so here ya go!

    "Why Sheep Are Better Than Women"

    1. Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth.

    2. You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear.

    3. Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.

    4. Cottonmouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease.

    5. Nuttin' beats mutton.

    6. Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel.

    7. Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they have to be home early.

    8. Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down.

    9. Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed off when you tell them.
    <a href=""></a>

  7. #597
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Here.....of course!


    A couple was celebrating their golden wedding
    anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been
    the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was
    inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy

    "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the
    man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down
    to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.

    We hadn't gone too far when my WIFE'S mule stumbled.
    "My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'

    "We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled
    again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's

    "We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a
    third time. My wife took a pistol from her pocket and
    shot him.

    "I started to protest over her treatment of the mule
    when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once

  8. #598
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Here.....of course!


    Ten times when using the "f" word was probably
    acceptable --

    10. "What the @#$% was that?"-Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

    9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
    -Custer, 1877

    8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
    -Einstein, 1938

    7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -Picasso, 1926

    6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -Pythagoras,
    126 BC

    5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
    -Michelangelo, 1566

    4. "Where the @#$% are we?" -Amelia Earhart, 1937

    3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" -Noah, 4314 BC

    2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -
    Bill Clinton, 1999


    1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing
    mad." -Osama bin Laden, 2001

  9. #599
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Here.....of course!


    Almost 150 years. ago, President Lincoln found it
    necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan
    Pinkerton - for protection. That was the beginning of
    the Secret Service. Since that time federal police
    authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter
    agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc. Now
    comes the "Federal Air Transportation Airport
    Security Service." Can't you see them now, these
    highly trained men and women in their black outfits
    with their initials in large white letters across
    their backs: "******." I feel safer already.

  10. #600
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Here.....of course!


    Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

    "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
    You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the
    time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
    "Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old.

    "When you're seventy, you can't even have a bowel
    movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you
    sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

    "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the
    worst age of all."

    "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-

    "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee
    like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

    "Do you have trouble having a bowel movement ?"

    "No, I go every morning at 6:30."

    With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let
    me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00
    and have a bowel movement every morning at 6:30. So
    what's so tough about being 80?"

    The 80-year-old replied, "I don't wake up until

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