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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #601
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    <center>The Alligator</center>

    A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar, then turns to the astonished patrons.

    "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my ***** inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my ***** unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

    The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his ***** unscathed as promised.

    The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.

    "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

    A hush fell over the crowd. After awhile, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blond woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  2. #602
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    hehehe.. blond jokes.. :)

  3. #603
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    A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector
    from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying
    on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home
    unexpectedly.

    "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "hide in the closet!"

    She hurried him into the closet -- stark naked.

    The husband soon became suspicious of his breathless wife, dressed
    in only a robe; and after a short search of the bedroom, discovered
    the naked man in the closet.

    "Who the hell are you?" insisted the husband.

    "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

    "What are you doing in the closet?" the husband demanded.

    "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,"
    explained the man. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
    The man looked down at himself and said,
    "Damn!... Those little *******s!"

  4. #604
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    DINNER CONVERSATION:

    WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

    MAN: Definitely not!

    WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?

    MAN: Of course I do.

    WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

    MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

    WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

    MAN: (makes audible groan)

    WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

    MAN: Where else would we sleep?

    WOMAN: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

    MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

    WOMAN: Would she use my golf clubs?

    MAN: No, she's left-handed.

  5. #605
    Beefy Guest

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    hehehe.. :)

  6. #606
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    A rat looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife
    opening a package. What food might it contain? He was aghast to discover
    that it was a rat trap. Retreating to the farmyard the rat proclaimed the
    warning; "There is a rat trap in the house, a rat trap in the house!"

    The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Excuse me,
    Mr. Rat, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no
    consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."

    The rat turned to the pig and told him, "There is a rat trap in the house,
    a rat trap in the house!" "I am so very sorry Mr. Rat," sympathized the
    pig, "but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured that you
    are in my prayers."

    The rat turned to the cow. She said, "Like wow, Mr. Rat. A rat trap. I am
    in grave danger. Duh?"

    So the rat returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the
    farmer's rat trap alone. That very night a sound was heard throughout the
    house, like the sound of a rat trap catching its prey. The farmer's wife
    rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see that it
    was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the
    farmer's wife.

    The farmer rushed her to the hospital. She returned home with a fever. Now
    everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer
    took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient. His
    wife's sickness continued so that friends and neighbors came to sit with
    her around the clock. To feed them the farmer butchered the pig. The
    farmer's wife did not get well. She died, and so many people came for her
    funeral that the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide meat for all of
    them to eat.

    So the next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think that
    it does not concern you, remember that when there is a rat trap in the
    house, the whole farmyard is at risk.

  7. #607
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    A man, while playing on the front nine of a
    complicated golf course became confused as to where he
    was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady
    playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained
    his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he
    was playing. "I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and
    you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th
    hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

    On the back nine, the same thing happened and he
    approached her again with the same request. "I'm on
    number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must
    be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and
    returned to his play.

    He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where
    he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He
    asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender
    said that she was a sales lady and played the course
    often.

    He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink
    in appreciation for your help. I understand that
    you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also.
    What do you sell?"

    "I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she said.
    "No, I won't."

    "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for
    Tampax. "With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell
    off the barstool. "See," she said. "I knew you'd
    laugh!"

    "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a
    salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind
    you."

  8. #608
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    How would you like to be an egg?


    You only get laid once.


    You only get eaten once.


    It takes four minutes to get hard.


    Only two minutes to get soft.


    You share your box with 11 other guys


    But worst of all..


    the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!!!


    So cheer up, Your life ain't that bad!!!!


    Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a good lay,


    I mean day!!!!!

  9. #609
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    A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert
    himself.

    "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home
    and show her you're the boss."

    The husband takes the doctor's advice.

    He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in
    his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're
    taking orders from me. I want my supper right now,
    and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and
    lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with
    the boys, and you are going to stay at home where
    you belong. And another thing, guess who's going to
    comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?"

    His wife says calmly, " The undertaker."

  10. #610
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    Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench talking
    amongst themselves, when a flasher came by. The
    flasher stood right in front of them and opened his
    trench coat.

    Needless to say, the first old lady had a stroke....

    Then the second old lady had a stroke....

    And the third old lady, well... she couldn't
    reach that far.

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