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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #611
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    Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

    A day without sunshine is like, night.

    On the other hand, you have different fingers.

    42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the
    spot.

    99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel
    universe.

    Honk if you love peace and quiet.

    Remember, half the people you know are below average.

    He who laughs last thinks slowest.

    Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse
    gets the cheese.

    I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

    Support bacteria. They're the only culture some
    people have.

    Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
    memory.

    Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

    Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

    Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

    If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of
    payments.

    How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my
    hand...

    OK, so what's the speed of dark?

    How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

    If everything seems to be going well, you have
    obviously overlooked something.

    When everything is coming your way, you're in the
    wrong lane.

    Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays
    off now.

    Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just
    don't have film.

    If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy
    her friends?

    Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into
    jet engines.

    What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    I used to have an open mind but my brains kept
    falling out.

    I couldn't repair my brakes, so I made my horn louder.

    Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

    Inside every older person is a younger person
    wondering what the hell happened.

  2. #612
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    A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so
    proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six," in
    spite of her objections.

    One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was time to go
    home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He
    shouted at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"

    His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back,
    "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

  3. #613
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    Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a
    burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one
    of the men stumbled across an old lamp.

    Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
    To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular
    Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the
    standard three.

    Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the
    entire ocean into beer!" Immediately the Genie clapped his hands with a
    deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever
    sampled by mortals.

    Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to his freedom. Only the gentle lapping
    of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their
    circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had
    been granted.

    After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're
    going to have to pee in the boat."

  4. #614
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    The FBI issued a warning, in a Lancaster County, Pennsylvania newspaper, that they suspect a terrorist may be hiding in the Amish community here. This photo provided the first clue that triggered the investigation.

  5. #615
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    A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the
    gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these
    years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to
    do is ask.'

    The cat says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor
    family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.'
    God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy
    pillow appears.

    A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic
    accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the
    gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

    The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've
    been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms.
    If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we
    wouldn't have to run anymore.'

    God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse
    is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

    About a week later, God decides to check and see how
    the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new
    pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, 'How are you
    doing? Are you happy here?'

    The cat yawns and stretches and says...'Oh, I've never
    been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels
    you've been sending over are the best!'

  6. #616
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    A farmer in a beat up old truck was driving to
    town when he spotted a hiker carrying a heavy
    backpack and a big suitcase. Being a caring
    man, the farmer pulled over and asked the
    young man if he wanted a ride.

    Even though the truck looked like it was about
    to fall apart, the young man put his suitcase in
    the back and climbed aboard. But the farmer
    was confused when he noticed the man still
    wearing the backpack.

    "Why don't you take a load off, and put that pack
    in the back with your suitcase?" asked the farmer.

    The hiker responded, "That's very kind of you
    sir, but I wasn't sure if the truck could carry the
    extra weight. So I thought I'd carry it myself."

  7. #617
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    Rose and Tom were having dinner with a couple they'd not
    seen for several years. Each couple tried to recapture
    knowledge of the other by reviewing their histories.
    "And soon after we were married," Rose began, "we were
    blessed with a marvellous, chubby creature with cute bow
    legs and no teeth."

    "You had a baby, I guess," said the other husband.

    "Nope," Tom broke in, "Rose's mother came to live with us

  8. #618
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    A young man was driving along a country road on the way to see his
    girl. As he passed a field the idea struck him to stop and pick a
    bouquet of flowers. He had barely begun romping through the field
    when he became aware or a rather mean looking bull not far away,
    with head lowered and an evil look in his eye. Far away, leaning
    comfortably on the prudent side of the fence, stood a farmer
    taking in the situation. The young man called out to him, "Hey,
    mister! Is that bull safe?!" To which the farmer shouted back,

    "Safe as anything! Can't say the same about you, though!"

  9. #619
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    The boss called one of his employees into the office.
    "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a
    year. You started off in the post room, one week later
    you were promoted to a sales position, and one month
    after that you were promoted to district manager of
    the sales department. Just four short months later,
    you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for
    me to retire, and I want you to take over the company.
    What do you say to that?"

    "Thanks," said the employee.

    "Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"

    "Ok, ok," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

  10. #620
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    Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their
    fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words
    on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem and they give him
    $50."

    The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few
    words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song and they give
    him $100."

    The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles
    a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And,
    it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

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