Please report all spam threads, posts and suspicious members. We receive spam notifications and will take immediate action!
Page 63 of 157 FirstFirst ... 1353616263646573113 ... LastLast
Results 621 to 630 of 1561

Thread: Jokes.




  1. #621
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    New England Highlands, Australia
    Posts
    21,907

    Default

    <center>10 Rules Of Housecleaning</center>

    1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

    2. If disturbed, dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands," and claim an ecological exemption.

    3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5, and leave it alone.

    4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

    5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

    6. Explain away the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children.

    7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed, and the shots are SO expensive."

    8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

    9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident. I haven't had the heart to clean it."

    10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean, and I still don't get anywhere."
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  2. #622
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    New England Highlands, Australia
    Posts
    21,907

    Default

    <center>Technical Questions</center>

    Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

    The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

    The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

    "Alright", the clerk said, How long do you need them?"

    The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, "For a long time. ...We're gonna build a house."
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  3. #623
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    New England Highlands, Australia
    Posts
    21,907

    Default

    <center>Dead Donkey</center>

    A city boy moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

    "Well,then,just give me my money back."

    "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

    "OK, then. Just unload the donkey."

    "What ya gonna do with him?"

    "I'm going to raffle him off."

    "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

    "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

    A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked, "Whatever happened with that dead donkey ?"

    "I raffled him off. I sold 500 hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998. "

    "Didn't anyone complain?"

    "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  4. #624
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the police arrived.
    “My God!" the cop gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
    "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
    "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
    "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
    "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

  5. #625
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Taipei, Taiwan
    Posts
    4,308

    Default

    I'm no good with making my own jokes, but I was thinking when watching channel 9 before... Eddie McGuire and Pat Rafter appear on TV way too much, they are taking over!
    Cameron "Mr.Tweak" Wilmot
    Managing Director
    Tweak Town Pty Ltd

  6. #626
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Posts
    6,297

    Default

    Who makes up their own jokes Mr T :?: We just stea.........um borrow other ones :D

  7. #627
    Beefy Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr.Tweak
    I'm no good with making my own jokes, but I was thinking when watching channel 9 before... Eddie McGuire and Pat Rafter appear on TV way too much, they are taking over!
    I saw two commercials in a row yesterday, different products.. both had pat in them. it's a joke alright.. :)

  8. #628
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Posts
    1,603

    Default

    ;) :p:D
    <!-- Begin Code Amber Ticker code. -->
    <P ALIGN=CENTER>
    <SCRIPT LANGUAGE="JavaScript1.2" src="http://www.codeamber.org/js/codea.js">
    </script>
    </P>
    <!-- end of Code Amber Ticker code (c)Copyright codeamber.org 2002, 2003-->

  9. #629
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Posts
    1,603

    Default

    :eek:
    <!-- Begin Code Amber Ticker code. -->
    <P ALIGN=CENTER>
    <SCRIPT LANGUAGE="JavaScript1.2" src="http://www.codeamber.org/js/codea.js">
    </script>
    </P>
    <!-- end of Code Amber Ticker code (c)Copyright codeamber.org 2002, 2003-->

  10. #630
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Posts
    1,603

    Default

    :laugh:
    <!-- Begin Code Amber Ticker code. -->
    <P ALIGN=CENTER>
    <SCRIPT LANGUAGE="JavaScript1.2" src="http://www.codeamber.org/js/codea.js">
    </script>
    </P>
    <!-- end of Code Amber Ticker code (c)Copyright codeamber.org 2002, 2003-->

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •