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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #631
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    :bounce: :bounce: :bounce:
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  2. #632
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    A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and
    head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the
    corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear
    collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the
    mountainside.

    Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the
    other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was
    the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging
    at him from a distance, and he couldn't move.

    "Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping
    services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me
    and grant me just one wish . . . please make a Christian out
    of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"

    That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its
    knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud
    right at the preacher's feet. "Dear God, bless this food I
    am about to receive..."

  3. #633
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    A farmer stood leaning on a fence at the edge of his property. He
    watched as a red sports car came over the top of a hill and
    followed the road up to the spot where he stood. The driver
    pulled over to the side of the road and called out to the farmer.

    "Do you know how I can get to Route 91?" the driver asked. The
    farmer thought for a few seconds. Then he said, "Nope."

    "Do you know where the nearest turnpike entrance is?" The driver
    asked.

    "Nope."

    "How about the town of Hadley. Do you know which direction it is
    from here?"

    "Nope."

    Exasperated, the driver raced his engine. "You don't know very
    much, do you?" he said.

    "Nope," the farmer replied. "But I'm not lost."

  4. #634
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    The husband was angry when he found out that his wife
    had been cheating on him.

    He shouts at her, " I will play second fiddle to no
    one!"

    She replies, "Second fiddle? You are lucky you are
    still in the band!"

  5. #635
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    The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly
    ordered the few remaining depositors, the tellers, clerks,
    and guards to disrobe and lie face down on the floor, behind
    the counter.

    One nervous blonde pulled off her clothes and lay down on the
    floor facing upwards.

    "Turn over, Donna," whispered the girl lying beside her. "This
    is a stick-up, not an office party!"

  6. #636
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    <center>Tough Mice</center>

    Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

    The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

    The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

    The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

    The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bull****. I gotta go home and f#%k the cat."
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  7. #637
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    10. Sag! You're it!

    9. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.

    8. 20 questions shouted in your good ear.

    7. Kick the bucket.

    6. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.

    5. Doc, doc, goose.

    4. Simon says something incoherent.

    3. Musical recliners.

    2. Spin the bottle of Mylanta.

    AND THE NUMBER 1 PARTY GAME FOR OLD PEOPLE IS...



    .




    1. Hide and go pee!

  8. #638
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    Q: Why do they call PMS PMS?

    A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!

  9. #639
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    <center>LITTLE JOHNNY PHILOSOPHY</center>

    A teacher asks her class, "If there are 3 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

    She calls on little Johnny.

    He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot."

    The teacher replies "The correct answer is 2, but I like your way of thinking.

    Then little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having icecream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of icecream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the icecream. Which one is married?"

    The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone"

    To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on,...but I like your way of thinking.
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  10. #640
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    <center>MATH CLASS</center>

    Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

    "Why?" asks the father.

    "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3' I said "6"

    "But that's right!"

    "Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'

    "What's the f#%king difference?" asks the father.

    "That's what I said!"
    <center>:cheers:</center>

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