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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #641
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    A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
    "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

    Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

    Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

    "Why's that Timmy?"

    "Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

    "And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

    "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

  2. #642
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    Work Rules of 1852

    Do you ever feel overworked, over-regulated, under-leisured and underbenefited? Take heart, this notice was found in the ruins of a London office building. It was dated 1852:

    1. This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will now only have to be present between the hours of 6 a.m. and 7 p.m. weekdays.

    2. Clothing must be of sober nature. The clerical staff will not disport themselves in raiment of bright colors, nor will they wear hose unless in good repair.

    3. Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in the office, but neck scarves and headwear may be worn in inclement weather.

    4. A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. Coal and wood must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of the clerical staff bring four pounds of coal each day during the cold weather.

    5. No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without permission from the supervisor.

    6. No talking is allowed during business hours.

    7. The craving for tobacco, wine, or spirits is a human weakness, and as such is forbidden to all members of the clerical staff.

    8. Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the partaking of food is allowed between 11:30 and noon, but work will not on any account cease!!!.

    9. Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens. A new sharpener is available on application to the supervisor.

    10. The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the cleanliness of the main office and the supervisor's private office. All boys and juniors will report to him 40 minutes before prayers and will remain after closing hours for similar work. Brushes, brooms, scrubbers, and soap are provided by the owners.

    11. The owners recognize the generosity of the new labor laws, but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near Utopian conditions.

  3. #643
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    Bush Has a Short One

    Bush has a short one. Gorbachev has a long one. Madonna does not have one. And a priest does not use his. What is it?



    A last name.

  4. #644
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    Gimmie an "R"

    A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter ''R,'' and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: ''Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.''
    In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud.

    The boy nervously eyed his classmates--many of them already laughing at him--then replied, ''Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough.''

  5. #645
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    Cloak & Dagger

    A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing. And then he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room. So now he was completely naked in the halls of the headquarters of the most powerful military organization on the planet. And he felt pretty ridiculous. Getting an idea, he walked naked and purposefully through the corridors until he reached the Research & Development laboratory. He walked in and saluted the Head Scientist.
    "I am here to report the partial success of the personal invisibility device!"

  6. #646
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    A Horoscope For The Workplace

    ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...
    MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

    SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

    TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.

    ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...

    ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

    HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!

    MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

    SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."

    CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.

  7. #647
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    A Blonde's Brain At Work

    A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
    "Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

    So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

    "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

    "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

  8. #648
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    Bill Gates and General Motors

    Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

    "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

    "Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

  9. #649
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    <center>BEAUTIFUL</center>

    One day, during lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

    First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

    "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

    "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

    "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

    "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant,and he said,
    'Beautiful,...just f#%king beautiful!'"
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  10. #650
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    A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end
    up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her
    around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed
    with sweet cuddly teddybears.

    Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,
    cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous
    bears on the top shelf along the wall.

    The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy
    bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention
    this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

    She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes
    off and make hot steamy love.

    After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying
    there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling,
    "Well, how was it?"

    The guy says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
    :thumb:
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