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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #651
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    A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his ***** are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his *****, and hoped for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead.

    The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment."

    The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his ***** pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful statement on his face, he says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass."

  2. #652
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    One day, at a local restaurant, a woman suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"

    A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

    "Thank you so much!" the mother cried. "Are you a paramedic?"

    "No," replied the man, "I work for the IRS."
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  3. #653
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    Perfect breasts
    (o)(o)

    Fake silicone breasts
    ( + )( + )

    Perky breasts
    (*)(*)

    Big nipple breasts
    (@)(@)

    A cups
    o o

    D cups
    { O }{ O }

    Wonder bra breasts
    (oYo)

    Cold breasts
    ( ^ )( ^ )

    Lopsided breasts
    (o)(O)

    Pierced Breasts
    (Q)(O)

    Hanging Tassels Breasts
    (p)(p)

    Grandma's Breasts
    \ o /\ o /

    Against The Shower Door Breasts
    ( )( )

    Android Breasts
    | o | | o |

    Martha Stewart's Breasts
    ($)($)


    And God created woman and she had 3 breasts. He then
    asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"

    She replied, "Yes, could get rid of this middle breast?"
    And so it was done, and it was good.

    Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the third breast
    in her hand," What can be done with this useless boob?"
    And God created man.

  4. #654
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    Congrats dear, that's the best one I've seen for awhile.

  5. #655
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    A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender
    delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?" The
    bartender replies,
    "They've gone to the hanging."

    "Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

    "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

    "What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

    "Well," says the bartender. "He wears a brown paper hat, brown
    paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

    "How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

    "Rustling," said the bartender.

  6. #656
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    Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

    Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

    Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

    Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

    Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

    Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

    Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
    liquid made with real lemons?

    Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

    Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

    Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

    When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

    Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

    Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

    You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
    don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

    Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

    Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

    If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

    If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

  7. #657
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    My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going kill
    each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

    My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the
    carpet."

    My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL - "If you don't straighten up, I'm
    going to knock you into the middle of next week"

    My mother taught me LOGIC - "Because I said so, that's why."

    My Mother taught me LOGIC...#2 - "If you fall out of that swing and break
    your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

    My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in
    case you're in an accident."

    My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep crying and I'll give you something to
    cry about."

    My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and
    eat your supper!"

    My mother taught me about CONTORTIONS - "Will you "look" at the dirt on
    the back of your neck!"

    My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'till all that
    spinach is finished."

    My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept
    through your room."

    My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I
    saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"

    My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told
    you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

    My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world,
    and I can take you out."

    My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your
    father!"

    My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate
    children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

    My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION - "Just wait until we get home."

    My Mother taught me about RECEIVING - "You are going to get it when we get
    home!"

    My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE - "If you don't stop crossing your
    eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

    My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD - "If you don't pass your spelling
    test, you'll never get a good job."

    My Mother taught me ESP - "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know
    when you're cold?"

    My Mother taught me HUMOR - "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
    don't come running to me."

    My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT - "If you don't eat your
    vegetables, you'll never grow up."

    My Mother taught me about GENETICS - "You're just like your father."

    My Mother taught me about my ROOTS - "Do you think you were born in a
    barn?"

    My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE - "When you get to be my age, you
    will understand."

    And my all time favorite... JUSTICE - "One day you'll have kids ...and I
    hope they turn out just like you!"

  8. #658
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    Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of
    his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for
    two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple
    was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was
    newlywed. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The
    retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said
    it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The
    newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. "Can of
    PAINT!" exclaimed the minister. "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She
    dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her
    right there and then. Lust took over." The minister just shook his head
    and said that they were not welcome in the church.

    "That's okay," said the man. "
    We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

  9. #659
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    A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little
    lisp:

    "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
    And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her
    level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and
    fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby
    over there?"

    She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a
    quiet sweet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really gives a thit...

  10. #660
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    A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a
    quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon.
    As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a
    drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of
    the cashier. He said, "You must be single."

    The woman, a bit startled, but intrigued, looked at her four items on
    the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections
    said, "Well, y'know, that's right. But how on earth did you know that?

    The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n hell."

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