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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #661
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    Father O'Malley got up one fine spring day and walked to the window of
    his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside and noticed
    there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He
    promptly called the local police station.

    The conversation went like this:

    "Top o' the day to ye. This is Sgt. Flaherty. How might I help ye?"

    "And the rest of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
    Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be
    after sending a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

    Sgt. Flaherty considered himself to be quite a wit and the rest of the
    conversation proceeded:

    "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of
    last rites!"

    There was dead silence on the line for a moment and then Father O'Malley
    replied:

    "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of
    kin!"

  2. #662
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    The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know...
    Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist"

    The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K., you know...
    Double Income, No Kids."

    The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

    They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?'"
    She replies: "I'm a W.I.F.E., you know... Wash, Iron, Fetch, Etc."

    A second gal answers their question before they even ask it:
    "B.I.T.C.H."
    What exactly is a *****?!? they ask in unison.
    "Babe In Total Control of Herself."

    So ladies, next time somebody calls you a "*****"
    SMILE... and say "Thank You!!"

  3. #663
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    There was a very unusual hospital where one of the main
    treatments was that the nurses would take the male
    patients home and sleep with them. But there
    was one patient, Rob, no one wanted to take him home.
    He was a small man, and he had tattooed on his *****
    the word SHORTY.

    Well, finally, Valerie, feels sorry for him and takes
    him home and sleeps with him. She comes back to work
    the next day smiling. The other nurses ask what she
    could possibly be so happy about after sleeping with a
    guy with SHORTY written on his *****.

    "Yes," replies Valerie, "but when he becomes aroused,
    it says, SHORTY'S RESTAURANT AND PIZZERIA."

    "Wow!" they say.

    "ORDERS TO TAKE OUT," Valerie continues. "ALL BAKING
    DONE ON PREMISES...ESTABLISHED 1922...PARTIES ARE OUR
    SPECIALTY."

  4. #664
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    Wonder why women get their period every month?

    This is how it started...a long, long time ago when Adam
    and Eve were on Earth, everything was fine until the day
    she took a bite of the apple. God got furious and
    screamed "you will pay this with blood." Adam
    said, "please God, don't kill her." Gad said "no, I won't
    kill her, she's going to make monthly payments."

  5. #665
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    I shave my legs,
    I sit down to pee,
    And I can justify any,
    shopping spree
    Don't go to a barber,
    but a beauty salon.
    I can get a massage
    without a hard-on.
    I can balance the checkbook,
    I can pump my own gas.
    Can talk to my friends,
    about the size of my ass.
    My beauty's a masterpiece,
    and yes, it takes long.
    At least I can admit,
    to others when I'm wrong.
    I don't drive in circles,
    at any cost.
    And I don't have a problem,
    admitting I'm lost.
    I never forget,
    an important date.
    You just gotta deal with it,
    I'm usually late.
    I don't watch movies,
    with lots of gore.
    Don't need instant replay,
    to remember the score.
    I don't lose my hair,I don't get jock itch.
    And just cause I'm assertive,
    Don't call me a *****.
    Don't say to your friends,
    Oh yeah, I can get her.
    In your dreams, my dear,
    I can do better!
    Flowers are okay,
    But jewelry's best.
    Would you look at my face,
    Not at my chest!
    I don't have a problem,
    With Expressing my feelings.
    I know when you're lying,
    You look at the ceiling.
    Don't call me a girl,
    A babe or a chick.
    I am a WOMAN,
    Get it, you prick?!

  6. #666
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    Like that last one Sis

  7. #667
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    The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic a while back.

    "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet
    table five times?"

    "Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them
    I'm filling up the plate for you!"

  8. #668
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    At a church one day, the nuns are lining up to go into confession. The
    first one goes up to the priest and says: "Bless me father, for I have
    seen a man's *****".

    The priest agrees that this is a sin, but tells her to splash her eyes
    with the holy water, and all will be forgiven.

    The next nun comes up and says: "I have sinned as well father... I've
    touched a man's *****"

    The priest says that this too can be forgiven, and that she should wash
    her hands with the holy water.

    The priest then looks over at the next two nuns in line, and sees them
    fighting to see who will go next.

    He gets up and asks them why they are fighting. The fourth nun replies.
    "Well, there's no way that I'm drinking that holy water after she sat in
    it".

  9. #669
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    A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot for "parking."

    He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He gets
    closer to the car and sees a young man behind the wheel, reading
    a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting.

    Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and
    knocks at the window.

    The young man lowers his window... "Yes, officer?"

    "What are you doing?"

    "Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine..."

    Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says: "And her, what is
    she doing?"

    The young man shrugs: "I believe she's knitting a pullover..."

    The cop is totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night
    and nothing is happening!

    "What's your age, young man?"

    "I'm 25, sir..."

    "And her, what's her age?"

    The young man looks at his watch, smiles and says:

    "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes..."

  10. #670
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    A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an
    overseas flight. After a few ****tails, the men began discussing
    their home lives.

    "Last night, I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman
    bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and
    she told me how much she adored me."

    "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian
    responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and
    told me she could never love another man."

    When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked,
    "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

    "Once," he replied.

    "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she
    say to you this morning?"

    "Don't stop."

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